My Bad!

If I could have learned the lesson of believing someone when they first tell or show you who they are, I would be the happiest woman alive.

I had a conversation with a friend today and she asked me how I was doing. And specifically, if I was D-A-T-I-N-G (she spelled it out because I was on speaker phone as she was preparing her children for a hiking trip and didn't want them all up in my business, lol!).

I have come to realize that I hate that question because I don’t know when I ever really have truly dated someone. Hung out with? Check. Physically intimate with? Check? Stuck by him when he’s going through shit? Check. But those little nuggets do not a relationship make – even a ‘dating’ relationship. And that is no one’s fault but my own. I own it now, but before I became an adult who realized I had issues that I need to fix, I blamed my parents, and it is that very reason why I am always striving to get my shit together so that I don't end up presenting a screwed up way of dealing with people for my son to witness. Right now, I’d say I’m at a 55 out of 100 in today’s quiz.

Back to my conversation with my friend, I told her that I thought  I was over the last “situation” I'd tangled myself up in, but the last few weeks it’s been on the forefront of my mind (this is a situation that started 2 years ago - have to specify since some dudes think you never get over them). And I actually owned 75% of that a debacle of a hope of a relationship with someone who dropped hints.

I’m being very generous with myself when I say he ‘dropped hints.

When a man tells you on the first date that he usually goes for looks, but decided to try something different, and he’s sitting opposite you at a restaurant, run Forrest, run because that was not a compliment.

Also, when he only wants to be around you, actually call instead of text, hounds you all day because you didn't respond and send a smiley face to his generic GM text one day, he’s not worried about you possibly being dragged into a dark alley somewhere, he’s panicking because his daily ego boost isn't boosting his ego. (PS, did the song “Say My Name” not teach folks anything… that GM text went to more than one of us and he was just waiting to see who responded first).

When you are in a bad car accident and he never shows up… (I’m not even going to embarrass myself by finishing that sentence.)

And with all of this I've asked myself why, when I’d back after thinking he didn't want me, would he pursue me if he didn't really want me? Why would I need to disappear in order for him to begrudging grunt that he missed me, or to show an ounce of interest in my well-being? Shouldn't I have felt wanted and engaged regardless? And if the answer to that question is yes, then why did I waste my time, and be a co-conspirator with him in making myself believe that whatever minimal effort he put into momentarily placating me to get what he wanted was enough? 

And so I go back to the time before I became a somewhat responsible adult, where I blame my parents. When you grow up in chaos, I've found that as an adult I am always in ‘fix-it’ mode. I’m still trying to fix the crap that went on between my parents, the violent and hateful relationship between my father and me (I literally shook in my seat as I typed the words “my father”)… I am still living in the past where as a child I had no control over the Lifetime miniseries that was my childhood. And with each ‘relationship’ that I have been in, I have piled all of the things that needed to be fixed to my original to do list until I had to do a little Spring cleaning when the closet started to overflow. Now the closet is just full. And that is why I’m having flashbacks; I mean some serious dreams that seem real as hell, regarding my last situation. 

And for that, I say “My Bad.” However, I do need to amend something that I said earlier: I’m only owning 50% of that mess… I’m tired of taking 100% of the responsibility for something we both did.

It all starts with Mufasa

I had a little talk with my son today when he mentioned that my hair - which I'm now wearing in a blow out because the -ish tangles too damn much - looks like Mufasa's. Then we proceeded to talk about how in the animal kingdom, the lion with the beautiful mane and the bird with the prettiest colors are always the male. My son asked me why. I said 'because the male has to work hard and do whatever he can to attract the female' and if those words didn't hit me as they left my mouth, I don't know what did.

The man has to work to get the woman. He has to dance, and sing sweet songs, and do a sexy dance (not no damn grinding) to get the woman.

"Why" my son asked?
"To make up for the fact that we're the one's who go through child birth" was my response.
"But we're in the animal kingdom too" he said.
"You are correct" I responded.

By on the real, it hit me in the simplest way. The male species wants to be able to say that he beat out the other males to get the female. If there was no competition between males, I seriously think they would be happy sitting around and scratching their balls all day, but let another male, with his own set of balls come along, and what are they going to do?: Compare who can scratch their own balls the fastest?

I'm going off track here, but I've decided to look at this dating thing from the female bird, lion, deer, goat, and sloth (yes, I saw a show the other day where two male sloths fought for the attention and affection of one female sloth - I done seen it all): I'm going to just be me, a woman, and if there is a man who catches my attention, he'll get a signal to get to work!

Is it a Crime...

...to be single?

Forgive me if I come across as a little annoyed, but when was it a crime to be OK with being single?  When was the rule established that a woman needed to get herself into (and maintain) a relationship by any means necessary? 

I'm not old, but I'm not young either and it has taken the entire decade of my 20s and half of my 30s to be OK with being alone.  I'm not saying I don't get the occasional pang of loneliness, and I am not about to preach about not needing a man and all of that other pseudo-women's lib stuff that is shouted from the rooftops by women who are trying to overcompensate for not wanting to admit that they are a little lonely.  This is simply my opinion on my own experiences, so here are the facts:

• I think it would be nice to be in a "healthy" relationship
• If I never got married (or maintained some kind of long term healthy relationship) I would be disappointed (in myself) but shit, life goes on and needs to be lived, not mourned
• I have no freaking idea what it is like to be in a healthy relationship. I have not had much practice
• Relationships are a lot of work, so I am actually more comfortable not having to do all of that work (although I would like to be inspired enough to do it for the man for me)
• In my home I make the rules... I'm in charge.  It's exhausting, but easier for me. I don't have to check with anyone else when making decisions (see, easy)
• It may very well never happen for me, and it's not the fault of men, but me.
• I like me, but clearly not sure if a man will like me enough to stick with me through the 'trials' part of a relationship
• I don't know what I want, but I know what I don't want

That's not everything, but it's enough to share with the world, and for me, it's my truth.  So I wonder, why is it that others feel they can impose their own ideas of where I should be in my life with regard to my relationship/ marital status, or lackthereof?

Recently went to a wedding, and with the exception of a specified color scheme, the theme was 'you're cool if you're in a relationship.'  That made it very uncomfortable for the couples who I shared a table with because every little activity was for 'couples.'  One couple even felt so bad for me that the wife suggested that her husband dance with me so I wouldn't feel left out of the festivities, lol!  Never in my life have I ever felt paranoid about being dateless - until then.  And the experience made me realize that I really need to think about rsvp'ing to weddings should I be asked to join such important festivities.

Also recently, I ended a "friendship" with a man. Knowing from the beginning that the sparks necessary for a real romance were absent, I made it clear that we could only be friends.  Didn't work, and after being asked one too many times if I were seeing another man (even though I wasn't seeing this one), I decided that we couldn't even be friends (well, I could, but he couldn't) and I ended up having to cut off all communication as well as test my pepper spray just in case dude continued to express the "special" behavior I'd witness on the phone, via email and text, in person (as far as I'm concerned, there is absolutely no reason for him to be in my neighborhood, so if I see him around here, and I happen to be behind the wheel of my car, I'm running him over first and asking questions second).  And in all the meelee, what does ole boy tell me?  "You really need to stop pushing men away, we're not getting any younger and no one wants to be alone." That pissed me off because I wasn't pushing men away, I was pushing his crazy ass away, and if he'd checked out my list above, sure not many people want to be alone (myself included), but it's damn easy not having to answer to someone (like him).

I should be given a pat on the back for no longer putting myself in situations where I try to force something to work.  I'm not wasting the time of a man who I have no passion for, and most importantly I'm not wasting mine.  I'm not trying to change some man into what I want him to be, and I am way too set in my fundamental ways to change for someone else.  For the dude who is right for me, none of this would even be an issue, but I clearly have not met that dude.  So what does all of this mean?  It means, I know myself probably better than I ever have. And if I know something isn't going to work for me, or I'm not going to work for it, why in the hell would I even bother?  And what the hell is wrong with that?  If you ask me... not a damn thing!

If his dad were here, would he be acting right?

I'm going to do something that I would normally advise against, and that is blogging when one is very, very pissed off.

My son is not Damien from the Omen movies - just to get that out of the way- but he is a boy who does stupid shit sometimes.  He is a boy who doesn't listen sometimes.  And he is a boy who, despite who his mama is (and many who know his mama know that if they were her child they would not screw with her chi), knows that when he screws up royally that I will be up his ass like an alien probe.  Yet the boy continues to do what I have classified as "stupid shit."

My boy is in the top 10% of his school, although this most recent report card would not reflect that.  My boy is already intelligent beyond his years and will very well surpass anything that I have ever achieved - if he doesn't continue on this lazy path.  Off a tangent now: I am not one of these mothers who will get on camera talking about how good their boy is even though he's spent countless years in Juvie halls, and has a knack for robbing old ladies - not ME!  My ass would be on television talking about how he better be glad the authorities got to him before I did.  Back on topic: my boy knows better.  But apparently that don't mean a damn thing when you're living the life of being a non-rent paying, live off they momma, Nintendo DS, own TV and DVD player in the room having unemployed little person.  So check this - TV and DVD player is packed up along with those ridiculous fucking Pokemon cards, Transformer toys and other BULLSHIT that I only purchased if they were on sale.  Keep things out of my path literally or else I'm liable to kick the shit across the room.  I am on a WAR PATH.

My boy isn't robbing folks or hot wiring cars at this point in time and I would like to keep it that way, which is why my foot is always a centimeter near his ass just in case shit happens.  And I was real good today.  I didn't beat him down 1980s style...I took his shit away... actually my shit.  So now I have a DS and another TV and DVD player and a shit load of Pokemon cards that I can make bank off of it I hit the internet.

But the messed up thing out of all of this is for the first time in his 9 years and 9 months on this Earth I wondered, "if his dad were here, would he be acting right?"  And the fact that I would even go there makes me even angrier than the stupid shit he's been doing.

When I think of the relationship between a parent and child I always think of the scene between Sydney Poitier and the gentleman who portrayed his dad in Guess Who's Coming to Dinner and the argument they had in a private room.  The speech Poitier gave his pretend-dad was so freaking poignant - he said "you were supposed to do those things (this, when daddy wanted to lay a guilt trip on his son in an effort to sway his son's desire to marry a woman who happened to be white).  I am supposed to put a roof over my child's head. I'm supposed to feed him.  I'm supposed to clothe him.  I'm supposed to offer moral support.  AND.  I'm supposed to kick his ass when he ain't acting right.  But then again I wonder - if his dad were here, would he be acting right.

Sure, this year I gave him the PC explanation about how his dad's absence has nothing to do with him, and everything to do with me (long story short: it was OK for an Italian dude to screw his black momma, but it wasn't ok for her to get pregnant and have the baby).  By the way, I was cornered when asked by the little one "Was I a mistake?"  Shit, I get it.  My own dad was so horrible, we ended up calling him "Mister" - like from The Color Purple, so I freaking get it... but give me a freaking break.  SHIT! I'm not a crackhead.  I'm not an absentee mom.  I'm not a stupid mom.  I'm involved - hell I freaking assistant-coached Little League for 2 freaking years! I'm a fucking cool ass, hard ass, keep it real, rub your back when it hurts, prop you up no matter how tired I am MOM... and we gotta go thru ridiculous BS that affects the grades and behavior write ups over some BS??????  CHILD, PLEASE!

(P.S. - I DON'T THINK SO!  Not on my watch)

I would like to apologize for such a foul-language laced rant, uhh, excuse me: blog entry.

Late Bloomer

I had an epiphany (actually several) and I think I can officially say that I am on the dating scene.

Sure, I've had a couple of boyfriends in the past, and sure I've engaged in more than just "talking" since I am the mother of a 9 year old boy, but I don't think I ever really "dated."  It's amazing how experiences from one's past are so powerful that they can affect one's future.  And I think that at the age of 35 I finally got tired of relinquishing the power over who or what was going to shape my future. 

Before, when it came to dating, for me it was all about finding a mate, a partner, someone to grow old with.  And I'm not saying that idea isn't something that I would like to be a reality, but I had to pull back a bit and explore why I haven't been a  'dater' in the past.  Luckily there were a few things that helped me to revise my thought process and approach when it comes to tangling with the opposite sex.

1. Reality checks kick ass! (in a good way!).  Age, health, circumstances, personal and professional growth (or lack of) - all of these things made me stop and look at my situation as objectively as possible (luckily I'm pretty hard on myself so it's never difficult for me to realize and accept when I am doing something wrong, lol!).

2. Past experiences are today's lessons.  Every time something doesn't go our way it's so easy to SAY that 'I'm never gonna do that again,' but DOING it is a whole other issue.  I'd decided to question whether something that felt good at the moment would last, or was it just a temporary high?  Was I being honest with myself because maybe it isn't good at all?  Or, am I repeating past actions that did not lead me to a good place?  As a result of asking myself those questions, I have found it easier to step away from situations that I knew deep down inside, would only lead to heartache for myself and others.

3. I really like me.  I never hated myself, but I never thought I was extra special either.  But despite all of my personal flaws, I really like me.  I like my own company and think that anyone who is willing to enjoy life would enjoy my company as well.

4. Don't work on anyone but myself.  I never was the kind of woman who wanted to change a man into what I wanted him to be (especially since I don't necessarily have a type).  He either has to be someone who I want to be with, as is, or he just isn't the one (or the two, lol!).  I don't want anyone telling me what I need to change about myself, so why would I be interested in being a hypocrite?

5. Let a man be the man.  I am so used to taking care of everyone that I forgot that, at least in the types of relationships that I strive for, I have to allow myself to be taken care of as well.  That, my friends, was one of the hardest things I've had to face thus far.  My excuse has always been 'I'm used to no one doing anything for me' and I think that mindset has blinded me to situations where (maybe) there was someone who actually wanted to do something for me and I did not allow it.  Maybe that has or hasn't happen, but I'm real and clear enough with myself to know and admit that although I like taking care of others, I had no clue as to how to allow someone to take care of me.  But I'm learning.  On a recent date I actually allowed the man to hold the door open for me each and every time we came to a door.  That's big for me, because in my experience there were men who walked ahead of me, didn't even attempt to open a door for me, or if I held the door open for them - walk thru and not say a word of thanks, so for me, this truly is a big step (even though I had repeat in my head over and over again: "do not race him to the door!" lol!)

With those, and probably a few more, things in my arsenal, I am taking chances again on finding men who are interested in dating me (and vice versa of course).  And when I say dating, I literally mean sharing experiences (outside of the bedroom) when we can enjoy ourselves and get to know each other at the same time.  It's not about sex.  It's not about love.  And I am digging that big time.  Finally, when I think about the dating world, I'm not asking myself what's wrong with me.  I'm sure I'll have a "moment" or two (or more) down the line, but right now my eyes are on the prize.  I am ready to have fun.

The Single Friend

I'm at an age - in my mid 30s - where I find myself surrounded by friends, co-workers, family who are all either involved in long term relationships, including marriage, and I wonder when did life continue to be high school for me even as I got older.

I once attempted to take part in what I thought was a mature discussion on a blog about relationships and how bad girls and bad boys always have someone while the nice girl/guy was home alone.  One poster felt the need to state that I couldn't have been all that lonely since I have a child.  I ended the convo right there because unlike some people I know the difference between getting knocked up versus being loved... but that's a whole other discussion for another day.

Anyway, and I hate to do this or even admit that I am - but it just popped in my head. I wonder, when is my time going to come?  I'm not completely unattractive - physically and emotionally - so what's the deal.  There has to be something wrong with a woman who hasn't been in a semi-loving relationship in over a decade.  And why am I not in love with those who show even a little bit of interest in me (old, nasty men way beyond their prime don't count).   I keep telling myself several things like:

• it's not over for you 
• you are a cool person 
• you look nice
• you will find someone who moves you 

And then I end right back at "just get over it" and knit more. 

And don't get me wrong - I love that my son loves me, but I'm feeling a little greedy.  I don't know a lot of things, but one thing I think I know for sure is that you can miss what you never had. 

I hope one day this post will be words that I end up eating because I would like to be wrong about living a life while never being the object of a man's love.  Anyway... whatever... random post... I'll get over it.

Can you be half turned on... and is that enough?

'Expect the unexpected' is a statement that is true many times, especially when it comes to romance and sex and relationships (I believe these words are not synonymous by the way). A lot of times we may meet someone and have instant chemistry (even if that chemical reaction is one-sided), and other times we may meet someone and think they're cool, but not feel that spark that pushes you toward attraction, lust or love.  But what about the times when there is something about someone that turns you on, but it's not the whole package?  Is that enough? 

I've had the experience of trying to force a relationship to work because I started to believe that a) I was too picky; b)no man would be interested in a single mother; c) I still wasn't attractive enough to land a man (moreso of the "I'm not walking around with my tits and ass hanging out" in the hopes of scoring a dude; d)I just wasn't meant for "all that" (my nickname for love and 'healthy' relationships).  So when I met this one man, there was an interest (I think we both said all the things the other wanted to hear, but putting it into real practice seemed to be difficult for some of us  - uh, not me, but anyway...), and I tried to make it work, but I knew that it was going no where.  After that relationship ended, I detoxed from "all that" for about 4 years.  And now I find myself standing at the same crossroads that has me asking 1) Can one be half turned on? and 2) Is it enough?

I already know the answer to number 2 - hell no it's not enough.  I know that from experience.  But the 'half-turned on" thing - I think the answer may be yes.  I also know that trying to make a relationship out of being half turned out can only lead to massive heart ache either for myself or the gentleman.  It's amazing how one person can see something and another person see something completely different, and yet still connect on so many other levels.  Anyway, since I prefer to only watch repeats on television and not in real life, I'm going to have to walk away, but it's so unfair in general (to not be completely turned on by someone, to be on the receiving end of someone who isn't completely turned on by you, and for one of the parties to make the adult decision to cease and desist before drama ensues).  I've never been one to have a line of dudes trying to get my attention so being in this position is weird - to walk away from opportunity - but I think it's growth to actually know when to step away.  Life is indeed strange.

"When the lights go out...

...we're all the same color!"  I'm paraphrasing a line from an old episode of Martin where the guys were sitting around talking about interracial dating.  Yes, yes, I'm going to chime in on this whole "Black women should date white men because there aren't enough good, straight, non-incarcerated, tall, muscular, educated, home-owning, chivalrous, six-figure earning, funny, goal-oriented, summer home owning, six-pack abs having, strong black men out there."

So here it goes... ready?  Okay... Love who you fall in love with, and hopefully he will love you back in a way in which you could have never imagined.  (Notice the absence of adjectives that lean toward the superficial.  Also know that I'm not naive.  We all have physical preferences that we seek in a mate, but as I told a friend just yesterday, also allow yourself to be open to the possibilities) 

As a black woman who was involved with a white man, and had a child before this whole "movement"  I will say that yes, there were a whole lotta people who were not happy, (and don't even get me started on the shit I had to go through having every stranger question whether my white looking baby was actually my son), but when I met "he who shall not be named" I honestly didn't know what the hell he was, and you know what - I didn't care.  And that's what it's all about ladies.  If you meet your guy, be more concerned about what kind of "man" he is, and not what color he is.  You wouldn't want to hook up with a white man who all of a sudden proclaimed in every month's issue of GQ Magazine that "now I'm gonna date black women!"... right?

Love?

I don't know why I am doing this while waiting for some 4th of July barbecue, but I am going to attempt to discuss "love" (with the disclaimer that I a not very good at this).

(ticking....ticking....ticking...)
Ok.  So, this is what I think about romantic love.

It's being in the presence of your significant other and feeling easy breezy, even if things aren't necessarily so, because if there 's a problem between us two, even if we don't have the answer right away we will work together to figure it out.

It's wanting to take care of you 'honey' when they don't feel well. You want to take the day off, not answer the phone, not sleep a wink until you know that they are ok.  When your sweetheart isn't at their best you want to build them up.

It's 'wanting' to take care of their every need, even if they don't need you to.

It's being able to sit in the same room in a comfortable silence.  You can give your partner one look from across the room and the love is confirmed all over again.

It's about being able to express your feelings without feeling like you're giving your partner ammunition to throw back at you in a negative manner.

It's about when you are feeling your worst, and your partner being able to point out your best, just to remind you should you forget.

It's about giving to your partner (whether it's time, assistance, support, whatever) without keeping score.

It's about looking at your partner and thinking, 'my life is already great, and you make it better.'

It's about not feeling bad about giving so much of yourself because you are receiving just as much in return.

It's about being able to hug your partner and feel like you are HOME.

I am not an expert at this particular topic, and I haven't been in love in about 12 years (and that was unrequited), so maybe the things I listed is some outdated wish list of a girl and not the reality of a grown woman with a child.  The one thing I think I know is that these listed things touch on some fundamental basics when it comes to relationships. I guess my justification for this list is, even though I ain't never had it, don't mean I don't know what it is!  I don't know, but that's my story and I'm sticking to it (for now, lol)!  It's not poetic and I can definitely write more eloquently, but my contacts are bothering me and my food is ready, so I'm out, for now!