Sunday, July 21, 2013

My Bad!

If I could have learned the lesson of believing someone when they first tell or show you who they are, I would be the happiest woman alive.

I had a conversation with a friend today and she asked me how I was doing. And specifically, if I was D-A-T-I-N-G (she spelled it out because I was on speaker phone as she was preparing her children for a hiking trip and didn't want them all up in my business, lol!).

I have come to realize that I hate that question because I don’t know when I ever really have truly dated someone. Hung out with? Check. Physically intimate with? Check? Stuck by him when he’s going through shit? Check. But those little nuggets do not a relationship make – even a ‘dating’ relationship. And that is no one’s fault but my own. I own it now, but before I became an adult who realized I had issues that I need to fix, I blamed my parents, and it is that very reason why I am always striving to get my shit together so that I don't end up presenting a screwed up way of dealing with people for my son to witness. Right now, I’d say I’m at a 55 out of 100 in today’s quiz.

Back to my conversation with my friend, I told her that I thought  I was over the last “situation” I'd tangled myself up in, but the last few weeks it’s been on the forefront of my mind (this is a situation that started 2 years ago - have to specify since some dudes think you never get over them). And I actually owned 75% of that a debacle of a hope of a relationship with someone who dropped hints.

I’m being very generous with myself when I say he ‘dropped hints.

When a man tells you on the first date that he usually goes for looks, but decided to try something different, and he’s sitting opposite you at a restaurant, run Forrest, run because that was not a compliment.

Also, when he only wants to be around you, actually call instead of text, hounds you all day because you didn't respond and send a smiley face to his generic GM text one day, he’s not worried about you possibly being dragged into a dark alley somewhere, he’s panicking because his daily ego boost isn't boosting his ego. (PS, did the song “Say My Name” not teach folks anything… that GM text went to more than one of us and he was just waiting to see who responded first).

When you are in a bad car accident and he never shows up… (I’m not even going to embarrass myself by finishing that sentence.)

And with all of this I've asked myself why, when I’d back after thinking he didn't want me, would he pursue me if he didn't really want me? Why would I need to disappear in order for him to begrudging grunt that he missed me, or to show an ounce of interest in my well-being? Shouldn't I have felt wanted and engaged regardless? And if the answer to that question is yes, then why did I waste my time, and be a co-conspirator with him in making myself believe that whatever minimal effort he put into momentarily placating me to get what he wanted was enough? 

And so I go back to the time before I became a somewhat responsible adult, where I blame my parents. When you grow up in chaos, I've found that as an adult I am always in ‘fix-it’ mode. I’m still trying to fix the crap that went on between my parents, the violent and hateful relationship between my father and me (I literally shook in my seat as I typed the words “my father”)… I am still living in the past where as a child I had no control over the Lifetime miniseries that was my childhood. And with each ‘relationship’ that I have been in, I have piled all of the things that needed to be fixed to my original to do list until I had to do a little Spring cleaning when the closet started to overflow. Now the closet is just full. And that is why I’m having flashbacks; I mean some serious dreams that seem real as hell, regarding my last situation. 

And for that, I say “My Bad.” However, I do need to amend something that I said earlier: I’m only owning 50% of that mess… I’m tired of taking 100% of the responsibility for something we both did.

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