Saturday, December 4, 2010
Life is pretty decent. Hey, I'm actually alive, which is one of the bigger blessings of all, but I have to take a moment to kick myself for not living to my highest potential. Interestingly, I got on my son's case for not doing that very thing, and within 2 weeks he has already upped his game, so imagine how painful my own little epiphany was when I realized that I, in fact, have not been doing the very thing that I preach as a parent.
I am stuck in a rut career-wise. There is some truth to the fact that, in my attempt to change careers, it has been very difficult. Some employers simply don't understand that I person really can want change and I personally got tired of trying to get them to understand that what I had been doing all of these years simply is not working for me. And then I see people near and far from me who have gone out there are at least attempted at their dreams, and although I still dream in my mind, I don't think I have put much of anything into practice and have existed in the world of "getting by." Well, "getting by" ain't cutting it anymore. For the first time in my life I feel good about myself as a person - except for this one thing, so this is my lecture to myself to get up off my ass and do the damn thing because right about now I feel like I am all talk when it comes to the goals I set for myself so many years ago.
I know that there are challenges in my situation - a single parent, living check to check, no real physical support as well as this condition that I have to take care of everything (because I've been conditioned to ever since I was a kid). Then there are the health problems - which I think I am finally managing quite well. But this work situation is not cutting it for me at all. I am not fulfilled in any way shape or form, and while it would be easy to point the finger at those who sign my time sheet every week, it is all my fault. Actually, let me use a different word or words: this is all my doing (or lack of doing). Somewhere along the line I must have started to believe subconsciously that I am only worth just "getting by" and that simply is not true. I have so many talents that I do not exploit. Granted, I think I do have talents that serve me well in my current situation, I feel as though I am past the point in my growth as a human being where those talents are impressive anymore, specifically to myself. I have high expectations or myself, but this is not the case right now. Right now I simply have expectations that I am not actively meeting. I try, but I can try harder. I can try smarter. I can be more innovative, because for the most part, what's happening now is not working anymore. This way of life for me has expired and it basically time to buy some new milk.
This plateau that I find myself on was supposed to be a layover in a bigger journey, and yet I find myself still hanging at the terminal, sleeping in an uncomfortable seat with my bags still packed in a bag on wheels on a path that is supposed to lead somewhere, but I'm simply not moving. Well, it's time to move, so I'm oiling my joints and the creaky wheels of my bags because I'm ready to take flight. Question is, which terminal shall I head to? Stay tuned.