Inside Out, Outside In

I've not been very successful in my health pursuits, and not for lack of trying.

I get up at 6am and work out. I run on the weekends. I stay away from bad snacks. I even gave up wine for 2 weeks straight. Despite all of that, I've been tired, moody, and depressed (I'm fine right after I work out, but as the day wears on, my mood plummets).

I do some part time work, I was taking business classes, I've been planning a new art project, all of this in addition to being a single parent raising a son in New York. My son attends middle school. An all-boys school, and the experience has left a lot to be desired, but thankfully he is involved in various academic programs, he maintains an A- average, and even though he tests the mommy-waters sometimes, he's an overall good soon.

I walk around my once decent neighborhood and I don't know what happened. People have gotten meaner (or maybe I've gotten softer). Walking out my door to deal with the mean streets of the Bronx, I feel myself putting on my Iron Man armor with the hopes of just doing what I need to do without getting into it with anyone.

I like to walk down the street with my head held high. It actually does a lot for my self-esteem to do that, but I can't because people allow their dogs to shit on the sidewalks, everywhere. It's like playing hopscotch, except you're trying not to step on dog shit, so don't date look up or you will, as I did one day, find your foot in a soft steaming pile of it before it's too late.

I just want to walk down the street with my head held high. Is that too much to ask?
Is it too much to ask that if I need to purchase clothes in my neighborhood shops, that at least one store supplies clothes that are fit for business? How many stores do we need selling the same ole stretch pants, cut out shirts, unitards, glitter tank tops, and 6 inch hooker shoes?

I've come to the solid conclusion that I have outgrown my hometown.

When I was a kid, I used to go outside and play. There are no kids in the neighborhood for my son to play with because it's all about video games, getting girls, and fighting each other to prove their malehood (since none of these boys are no where near being men).

A kid - one of my son's classmates - yelled at me. (Pause: I checked that ass, no doubt, but the fact that he didn't even think twice about it started to break the last bit of spirit I was feeling about being in my hometown. This morning, a neighbor yelled at me because I asked why she removed my clothes from the washer when I was standing right there (apparently, I didn't move fast enough for her and I don't respect people's time. Huh????). I checked her too, not for her actions, but for her being rude when I asked her about it. An employee flipped out when I told him his boss now requires all employees to fill out time sheets. I handled that professionally as well. But I have to say, these incidents took a lot out of me emotionally. I sat here today wishing I was that stereotype of a black girl from the Bronx who curses out anyone that crosses the line. I'm not a pushover, but apparently people think that when you're not hurling f-bombs at them. I shouldn't have to do that. I don't need to do that.  And yet I hate the feeling that they may think they're gotten the best of me because I didn't show my ass right along with them.

The last time I did show my ass was to a former supervisor. I had an Iyanla/DMX moment where I proclaimed that she will not speak to me (the way she did) ever again. I followed that up with a complaint to the HR department, and a week later, my services were no longer needed. I was relieved, but then I thought, well, if I was going to lose my job, I should have at least dropped an f-bomb or two since pride doesn't pay the bills.

Another time, I had to tell a man who I had dated in the past, to stop texting me inappropriate photos of his anatomy. What did I get for reminding him that I had standards and wasn't going to bite the carrot that he was dangling in front of me when we both knew he didn't want me? LOLOL... I actually have to laugh before I write this... he cut me off, blocked me... because I told him my favorite part of his body was his face (hint, hint, stop sending me pics of your junk).

Yep, it's been that kind of a time people. And as a result of the stress that has been building and building... no amount of push ups, and HIT training, and boxing, and running, and not drinking soda or eating candy or beef, or cake....none of that is helping me to get in the kind of physical shape that I aspire to.

Stress is a BEAST. I hate the muthafucker.

Stress is my biggest enemy.

Stress in increasing my cortisol levels, which is why I don't have my washboard abs.

Stress has me tired all the time, but I gets no good sleep.

Stress has me thinking I look 10 years older than I actually am (interesting, others think I look great, but I feel like crap. It's like people who suffer from eating disorders - it's not so much about how they look, but how they feel).

I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I do ask that God wakes me up in the morning so that I can continue to sort through this mess because I'm not ready to give up yet.

I'm frustrated. Disappointed. Hurt. A little bit angry. A lot exasperated. Confused. Tired. Anxious. Achy. But I'm not ready to give up just yet. Not yet.

Survive and Thrive

It's been a while since I last wrote a meaningful post (that last one was a rant), and for good reason.  I could not focus, and could barely function with all that had been going on in my world, and the last thing I wanted to do was write posts that were forced and lack passion. I refuse to lie to the 3 people out there who probably read this blog, and most of all, I refuse to lie to myself (I'd like to think my actions embody the words "keeping it real").

With that, I feel comfortable and awake enough to share that I have just started my second week of being officially unemployed, and while I'm sure I haven't gone through "IT" yet ("IT" meaning 'fit, shit, hit..."etc), it really has taken me this past week to process the changes that comes along with being one of the legions of unemployed people here in America.

First, I have to express to the universe how grateful I am to have been afforded the opportunity to work and pay my bills for the past few years, especially being a "permalance" worker (permanent-temp). I was able to keep my marketing and project management skills sharp, as well as work with a lot of really good people. On the flip side, despite my current circumstance, I would be lying if I didn't admit that I am happy to no longer be working with that small number of people who - per a book that my mother once gave me - are spiritual vampires. While there are many lessons with getting through such rough circumstances (I mean, really, what's up with grown people bullying other grown people? Why haven't these issues been worked out in one's 20's????), I know that my heart, my head, and my son are very happy that I am no longer subjected to the daily confines of a very toxic work environment.

So. I don't have a job. I have a child. He starts school in a little over a month. He's growing like a weed. I get child support occasionally (I won't go further on this because I enjoy maintaining a normal blood pressure level), I have bills. My son can EAT. I need to keep the internet service on (that door to door job search thing ain't working in the Bronx - or at least not for any legal job I can think of!). I have asthma so I need to keep the AC on. Mostly everyone else I know is working during the day. What's a (older) girl to do?

Get it together. And more pointedly, don't screw around with the time I've been given.

If I really 'Luv my Texture' - love the layers that make me who I am, then the last thing I need to do is spend a significant amount of time moping. This doesn't mean that I won't have my moments (oh, I sure did yesterday), but I know that I still HAVE TO get it and make it happen.

What is "it" might you ask (or not ask... I'm gonna tell you anyway)?

"It" is:
1. Recharge my physical and emotional self
2. Reassess my goals, making plans, and carrying them out
3. Establish and stick to a new budget
4. Adjust old and setting new healthy habits
5. Believe in myself, and this journey that I am on
6. Balance all that is on my plate
7. Enjoy life
8. Be GRATEFUL
9. Strengthen my spiritual commitments

I had goals outside of the office. But I was too physically and emotionally spent to give anything to those desires once I left the office. And now, that website that I've been meaning to build, that script that I've been meaning to tweak, those new skills I've been meaning to acquire... well, since I need my internet service to assist in my job search, I might as well add these things to the to do list as well (and actually finish them).

It's scary. Really scary. And it's not like I haven't been in this situation before, but there's something about being older, and the world knowing you're older, and whether they have the belief that you can and will bounce back from something like this. Luckily, I feel like I have no choice in bouncing back even stronger and higher, because I refuse to give up. I'm too stubborn for that.

And with that, here are a couple of activities I do to keep myself physically and emotionally aligned, in an effort to get through this new stage in my life as best as possible:

• Get enough sleep
• Eat healthy, 95% of the time (I had Cheetos this weekend, and I will not have them for another week!  Same thing with drinking - that's the treat for getting through a productive work week)
• Exercise, every morning
• Shower, dress, and fix my hair (simple, but needs to be said)
• Turn off distractions while I'm working (no g-chat, no checking the Facebook page, no chatting on the phone unless it has to do with 'my business'
• Schedule everything (I reference my old college class schedule as inspiration)
• Schedule breaks
• Limit daily job hunting time  and find at least 2 positions to apply to (if possible)
• Get outside for some fresh air
• Relax (as best as possible)
• Don't be petrified to spend money (I'm usually like this, but even more so now. I already know I can grip a penny, so I need to not be so hard on myself with it comes to something like 'buying groceries' or investing in a new business prospect - while being uber-budget conscious as well, of course)

Those are just a few things that I am practicing at this time.
I'm sure things won't be as easy as writing a list, but I intend to do my best to keep my head above water and make it happen! (And write more on my blog!)

Get Mad and Even! The perfect workout for the pissed off!

I didn't get mad enough yesterday to go running (and honestly, it's so damn hard to do it when the air is thick with pollen and humidity, so I really have to rethink my workout strategy for the summer), but I did do some prep work.

I pulled my good ole trusty freestanding heavy bag from the corner of the living room.  Look at this baby!

I purchased this piece of gold almost 10 years ago, and even though I downgraded apartment size when I moved into this place last summer, I (almost did, but) couldn't give this baby up.  Back in the day, when I was a gym rat, I had a personal trainer by the name of Antonio. Antonio thought he could scare me when he said that he was going to put me through it, but all that did was egg me on. We did various types of workouts - weights, circuit training, that stupid bike (God love those spin-freaks!), but when he put some boxing gloves on me, it was on!  He thought mentioning (bragging) about his black belt would intimidate me, but I got a weird high off the idea of training with someone as accomplished as him (and I think that solidified in his mind that I was straight up CRAZY).  And after a few rounds of not getting knocked out, and actually surprising my trainer and almost taking out his nuts - just once (I am not going to brag because if he was pissed, I'm sure he would have taken me out, just not as quickly as he could someone else) - I was hooked.  And when I saw that I could actually buy a heavy bag that I didn't have to hang from the ceiling! Ya damn right I went on down to Modell's, plopped my $99 plus tax on the counter, and brought that sucka home in a taxi!

Now, I won't lie and say I box all the time, but it definitely has come in handy, especially during trying times. I'd throw on my boxing gloves (I had to buy kid's gloves because may hands are small, lol!), imagine someone's face, apply all of the training and keep my form and focus, and then punch or kick the crap outta my piece of gold.

I eventually switched from regular boxing gloves to heavy bag gloves, since I had no plans to spar, and really wanted to get the most out of working the bag (aka, I wanted to feel my punches more and the heavy bag gloves are thinner).

There's just something about that 'pop pop pop!' sound that I hear when I throw a jab.  And considering that this is something that I do indoors, and I can control the air in my apartment, this may be my go to workout during the hot and humid months coming up. It can also be my stress reliever (instead of crying or staring into space, I can just hit the bag).  I don't know what the future holds, especially the near future, but I know that the 30 minutes I spent doing different combinations on the bag helped me to feel a hell of a lot better than I have in a while. It's a financial and space investment that I have never regretted.