Sunday, October 14, 2012

The Hard Truth about Self Reflection

Mirror Mirror on the wall, WTF is my problem?

We all have those moments in life when we're forced to stop and look in the mirror. Really look in the mirror, and I have to say from experience, I'm not always liking what I see. AND maybe something that I saw 10 years ago, isn't as attractive now which is in the top 5 of ultimate mind fucks if you ask me.

One of the hardest things I've found in my latest journey, is looking at myself and being open enough with myself to say 'that ain't cute. Change that now please.' I've been doing that a lot lately, and while it can sometimes be so painful to endure - giving yourself an overdue ass whooping - I will say, I think, I hope, that all of this painful self reflection is for the better, I mean it has to be, right?

I won't go into my entire laundry list of things, but one of the things I know I have to work on (and I think I've made a lot of strides with even in just the past 2 weeks) is that I am way too hard, on myself and other people. I think there are a lot of instances where I lack the patience. With myself I'm used to "oh, you want me to do something... ok, I'll get right on it" and I do, get right on it. Why? Because I said I would. Why? Because I don't want to go back on my word. Even when I have 20 million other things on my 'to do' list? Yes. But why? Because I'm fucking nutcase!

And that's a pleasant self-dialogue.

With other people, it's pretty much the same thing but with a twist, and I've found that because other people aren't as insane as I am - you know, dropping what they're doing to do something else, because why would someone want to finish one thing before starting something else? I've found that I am more apt to not trust the word of another person because they are not as willing to drive themselves insane like I am. Like I was.

Man, I'm so chill about some things now you'd think I was high, and I have never smoked a blunt in my life (true story...would you believe I told someone that and they didn't believe me? It's funny), but trust, it is/ was not an easy destination to reach. I equate it to the childbirth journey...4 days of labor pains, 11 hours on the epidural...a room full of medical students...nurses who want to tell me to lay down when I want to sit up (and I do)...a pain in a nether region that is so great that there honestly are no words to describe (unless feeling link a dragon is trying to escape the bowels of hell through your entire middle region is sufficient)...pushing that little bugger out because he's taking too long... and then passing out... that's why this period of self-reflection has felt like. And that was the PG version.

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