Wednesday, October 17, 2012

2 Squirrels tried to jack me

Seriously, I wasn't even trying to be all Jim Jarmusch with the title of this post - 2 squirrels tried to jack me, in Crotona Park today while I tried to eat pizza while pondering the direction of my life.

There I was, minding my business, already accepting the fact that Monday's car collision totaled my car, feeling the aches in my body, hoping the -ish don't get worse, thinking about the fact that I have to start buying MetroCards again and learning bus and train schedules, calculating the additional time it would take for me to complete those joyful ten-minute drives and the possibility of paying for taxi service on occasion...and then smiling - like crazy people in a park sometimes do - because, even though I didn't want to, even after I just spent hundreds of dollars on the car for some "minor" repairs, even though I know I am going to have to lay Kyle Reece to rest (that was the name of my car... note to self: name your car after characters who live, bump bravery and saving Sarah Connor!)... even though all this shit is happening right now... I don't know... I mean, I'm alive. My son is alive. My credit score is going down for the firs time in 10 years, but I'm alive. And that made me even happier than I was before the accident.

So I decided to walk across the Bronx - not exaggerating - and try to figure out if I was crazy for being so happy... did I actually die like all those people in Lost, did I accidentally inhale something that messed with the chemicals in my brain, what? Because I was walking- no, "almost" strutting like John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever, taking deep breaths, looking around... dude, I was even walking slow and not at that normal New York Hustle pace. I think I finally let the man go in my heart, I'm thinking about vanilla candles, Grandma (that thought actually made me almost cry), the fact that my mom actually showed up... just feeling overwhelmed and relived at the same time. I don't know what that is.

And so I decided, since I was walking in the path of my son's school, that I would buy a pizza, surprise him, and we could sit in the part together and eat it and enjoy the nice Fall season weather. Well, what had happened was, I got to the park, which is across the street from the school, about 10 minutes early. I start on slice number one (these are small slices, and I haven't eaten since Monday). Then I get into slice 2, and I hear this weird like twitching noise, now I know "twitching" is an action and not a noise, but this bold, crazy, probably rabies-filled squirrel was twitching, and I heard him (and before I even saw him). It was like the Jaws music (you know Roy Schieder heard the music too). So I'm thinking to myself, 'don't make any sudden moves because you don't know where this thing that is making the noise is, but don't be a punk either and sit there in broad daylight, near a street full of traffic, and get got by no damn squirrel either!

I turn my head to the left. No squirrel. I turn it to the right. No squirrel. I look straight ahead, but the park bench is blocking, so I raise up a bit, and there he is. And as soon as he sees that I see him seeing me, unlike a roach who scatters when the lights come on, this joker hopped up onto the bench where I was sitting and was literally eyeballing my box of pizza!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, I said (yes, out loud), "Oh hell no. I know you not trying to get at my pizza." And what does the little bugger do? He comes at me. I couldn't believe it. So now, I gotta fight a squirrel, but I'm thinking no one in a passenger car or truck driving by is going to see me fighting a squirrel. They're going to see a women fighting a park bench. And I am too young to be that woman just yet. So I think fast. I think sharp tone, loud noise, hit the bench. He stops, but he doesn't run back, and that's when I do the Bruce Lee head tilt. I start stomping, and hitting the bench, and yelling, yes, at a damn squirrel.

Then I noticed people starting to walk by, so I decided to move to a different park bench that was further from the tree and closer to the street. I relax. I'm finishing up that second slice of pizza. Then I hear the twitching again, but I see my old nemisis still on the park bench, but this time the twitching is closer. Another damn squirrel is rushing me! For my pizza!

And at that point I didn't care who heard or saw me. I yelled at the squirrels. If I had something to throw at them I would have. I couldn't believe they would disrespect me by trying to take my pizza. And then I came back down to Earth and conceded use of the park bench to them. I didn't want to explain to cops that the squirrels were trying to get me. So I picked up my pizza box, and left. Quickly!

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