Sunday, March 6, 2011

Working My Way Back

I'm the kind of person who, when I get into a funk, I hibernate.  I am not one of these "misery loves company" people, and when I am going thru 'it" I fall back and work on getting my shyt together as opposed to infecting everyone else's aura with my bad/lost/depressed moods.

Well, I feel like I'm working my way back to the me that I know and love.  I attribute exhaustion - physical and emotional - with my temporary breakdown.  All of a sudden, things that didn't bother me before drove me nuts.  Actually, to clarify: I allowed things that didn't bother me before to drive me crazy.  It was like my tolerance level for all things annoying was non-existent.  For a minute I went into the 'woe is me' 'why me' 'what did I do in a former life' detour that had me feeling like Charlie Brown constantly going to kick the ball and having it pulled from my path leaving me lying on my ass.  I couldn't leave the apartment on time in the morning, I was constantly looking for my keys, a day would pass and I would remember that I hadn't eaten, anxiety was keeping me up until 1, then 2, then 3, then 4 am - every day.  People weren't fulfilling their responsibilities which affected my home.  I believed the job was trying to kill me (or at least get me thrown in prison) - I actually still believe this but I refuse to give them the satisfaction (stubbornness can actually be a good thing!).  I basically allowed everything in life to spin me around in a circle until I was so dizzy I could not see straight. 

Well, the Mama Bear has woken from hibernation and is in the process of stretching out my kinks before getting back to work!  I won't go into too much detail right now - simply because the transformation process that I have experienced in the past month was so nuanced and massive that I don't want to do it an injustice by glossing over it, but I will get into it at a later date.  What I did want to talk about was a change encounter with a stranger.

I was standing outside of a huge Botanica that I had just exited.  When I went in I grabbed a basket and wanted to purchase all of these "things" and realized after 10 minutes that I didn't really need anything because I'd had supplies at home already.  So, I put the basket back and leave the store, but I stop when I see a window display that I had never noticed before.  It was a display of talismans and amulets.  I looked at them, proceeded to walk away, but came back, staring, reading the meanings behind all of the 35+ talismans on display in the window.  I eyeball one that I keep coming back to, but tell myself not to make snap judgments just because I recently emerged from the fog of crippling depression (I would say I've only simply stepped out of the door of the house of depression, and have yet to walk down the steps and down the street from it so this is still a very fragile time, BUT I feel like that 1 year old who just knows she's going to walk all on her own today!). 

Anyway, I stare at the display, and I notice a woman in my peripheral vision heading to and walking into the store.  She had a very striking and complimentary blond braided do, and she walked with something about her that made me say to myself that she is wounded right now, but knows stuff (don't ask me why).  She sees me staring hard at the display and says "I never noticed those before!"  and then our conversation began.  I responded, "Me either - they have so much here, I can't stop looking" and then I notice a tear slowly falling from her left eye and down her face, but she still looked determined and knowing.  In the conversation we through out hints of things that we were going through as we talked about the talisman's.  She tells me that she is tired of repeating the same mistakes over and over, I tell her that when she is ready in her core to change those behaviors, she will, it will come... she tells me that she has things, but it's not what she wants.... I tell her that I had an epiphany just yesterday, a voice said to me "stop trying to get what don't want to be got".... we hi-five each other.... she tells me that she's on a mission to do the work she needs... I tell her about a book that I just finished yesterday and recommend it to her.... she just heard about the book the day before on Oprah.... I tell her it is worth the purchase - I read it in a week.... she tells me that she thinks we were supposed to run into each other and have this conversation.... I agree.... we grab hands as we continue to talk, now finishing each other's sentences because we are in SYNC!  I wish the sister well, and she does me.  I leave the window display, needing to pick my kid up from his school interview, but knowing that I will be coming back to get the talisman that has grabbed my soul, and so elated to have encountered who I believe to be a guardian angel.

I get my son, come back to the store and stare at the display again.  My son says I want one too - I need something more.  I know what he means.  I made my decision on what I'm purchasing so we concentrate on what we're going to get for him.  It's an interesting exchange because he usually rolls his eyes at the thought of going into the Botanica, but there is something different about the both of us today.  I feel like there will be movement.  We choose his talisman, go inside, purchase them and leave.  As we walk down the street my son says "I feel so much better."  I ask "What do you mean?"  He responds, "There was something about going in there... I feel like I can breath now, I feel lighter, better."  I say in my mind, "That's exactly how I've been feeling this week baby... finally."

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