Saturday, November 12, 2011

When Products Attack

It is with a heavy heart, and completing the 6 stages of grief, that I report that one of my favorite products has turned on me!  It was so good while it lasted. It didn't cost a lot, but wasn't like a cheap one night stand (more like a summer romance), it made me believe in the good of humanity and that you could indeed find it where least expected.  It was so good on the inside as well as the outside. It was my ace-boon-coon, my partna who turned on me at the last minute like Gerry Butler did to Angelina Jolie in Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life.  I am speaking of it, whose name I don't even want to say , but must: Suave Naturals Tropical Coconut Conditioner!

So here's what had happened. I was loving my Suave Coconut conditioner like a half gallon of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream after a long. hard day. And I was sharing this relationship with everyone - including right here in this very blog. My sis tried it and her response was not favorable, to which I thought, "she must be crazy" or "she must not be using it right."  And then it happened! Lord, honey chile! I washed and conditioned my hair with my Suave Naturals Tropical Coconut Shampoo and Conditioner - and my hair felt like PAPER!  And not that expensive paper from Papyrus either.  As a matter of fact my hair didn't even feel like paper from the 99 Cent store - it felt like old-17th Century-hidden in a trunk- deep in the pits of an old slave plantation that had been flooded and burnt, to be pulled from its dark hole-and brought in to the light only to immediately wither and almost die -PAPER.  Broke my freaking heart!

BUT, I was in denial, for months.  I thought I'd moved on at first, thinking "oh, my hair just needs a break - like Ross and Rachel on Friends.  We'll get back together, after almost marrying other people, and live happily every after.  Well I thought my chance at a renewed partnership had come the other day.  I needed to do a quick co-wash to hold me over for just 2 days (I used a hair dryer with a comb attachment on my hair - something I haven't done for almost 3 months - and the damage was immediate, so I needed to fix it stat, and I THOUGHT my Suave Naturals Coconut Conditioner was Old Faithful just waiting to come out of the closet and pitch hit with bases loaded, 2 out, and in extra innings in the seventh game of the World Series.  And what did Old Faithful aka Mariano Rivera in the Spring of 2010, do?  Something I never would have expected?  IT BLEW THE SAVE!


So, I must give it a fond farewell via toilet (since my once faithful partner in crime actually doesn't work for anyone that I know).  Such a shame.  What a waste.  Is there nothing sacred people?  Can't a girl (ok, grown ass woman) have one thing that will always have my back? Dayuuuummmm. But it's ok.  In my brain stem I think I knew.  I didn't want to know, but I did. Dayum!

P.s.: (dis)Honorable mention to Queen Helene's Cholesterol Hair Conditioning Cream.  What in the hippity-hip-hop is going on?

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