Survive and Thrive

It's been a while since I last wrote a meaningful post (that last one was a rant), and for good reason.  I could not focus, and could barely function with all that had been going on in my world, and the last thing I wanted to do was write posts that were forced and lack passion. I refuse to lie to the 3 people out there who probably read this blog, and most of all, I refuse to lie to myself (I'd like to think my actions embody the words "keeping it real").

With that, I feel comfortable and awake enough to share that I have just started my second week of being officially unemployed, and while I'm sure I haven't gone through "IT" yet ("IT" meaning 'fit, shit, hit..."etc), it really has taken me this past week to process the changes that comes along with being one of the legions of unemployed people here in America.

First, I have to express to the universe how grateful I am to have been afforded the opportunity to work and pay my bills for the past few years, especially being a "permalance" worker (permanent-temp). I was able to keep my marketing and project management skills sharp, as well as work with a lot of really good people. On the flip side, despite my current circumstance, I would be lying if I didn't admit that I am happy to no longer be working with that small number of people who - per a book that my mother once gave me - are spiritual vampires. While there are many lessons with getting through such rough circumstances (I mean, really, what's up with grown people bullying other grown people? Why haven't these issues been worked out in one's 20's????), I know that my heart, my head, and my son are very happy that I am no longer subjected to the daily confines of a very toxic work environment.

So. I don't have a job. I have a child. He starts school in a little over a month. He's growing like a weed. I get child support occasionally (I won't go further on this because I enjoy maintaining a normal blood pressure level), I have bills. My son can EAT. I need to keep the internet service on (that door to door job search thing ain't working in the Bronx - or at least not for any legal job I can think of!). I have asthma so I need to keep the AC on. Mostly everyone else I know is working during the day. What's a (older) girl to do?

Get it together. And more pointedly, don't screw around with the time I've been given.

If I really 'Luv my Texture' - love the layers that make me who I am, then the last thing I need to do is spend a significant amount of time moping. This doesn't mean that I won't have my moments (oh, I sure did yesterday), but I know that I still HAVE TO get it and make it happen.

What is "it" might you ask (or not ask... I'm gonna tell you anyway)?

"It" is:
1. Recharge my physical and emotional self
2. Reassess my goals, making plans, and carrying them out
3. Establish and stick to a new budget
4. Adjust old and setting new healthy habits
5. Believe in myself, and this journey that I am on
6. Balance all that is on my plate
7. Enjoy life
8. Be GRATEFUL
9. Strengthen my spiritual commitments

I had goals outside of the office. But I was too physically and emotionally spent to give anything to those desires once I left the office. And now, that website that I've been meaning to build, that script that I've been meaning to tweak, those new skills I've been meaning to acquire... well, since I need my internet service to assist in my job search, I might as well add these things to the to do list as well (and actually finish them).

It's scary. Really scary. And it's not like I haven't been in this situation before, but there's something about being older, and the world knowing you're older, and whether they have the belief that you can and will bounce back from something like this. Luckily, I feel like I have no choice in bouncing back even stronger and higher, because I refuse to give up. I'm too stubborn for that.

And with that, here are a couple of activities I do to keep myself physically and emotionally aligned, in an effort to get through this new stage in my life as best as possible:

• Get enough sleep
• Eat healthy, 95% of the time (I had Cheetos this weekend, and I will not have them for another week!  Same thing with drinking - that's the treat for getting through a productive work week)
• Exercise, every morning
• Shower, dress, and fix my hair (simple, but needs to be said)
• Turn off distractions while I'm working (no g-chat, no checking the Facebook page, no chatting on the phone unless it has to do with 'my business'
• Schedule everything (I reference my old college class schedule as inspiration)
• Schedule breaks
• Limit daily job hunting time  and find at least 2 positions to apply to (if possible)
• Get outside for some fresh air
• Relax (as best as possible)
• Don't be petrified to spend money (I'm usually like this, but even more so now. I already know I can grip a penny, so I need to not be so hard on myself with it comes to something like 'buying groceries' or investing in a new business prospect - while being uber-budget conscious as well, of course)

Those are just a few things that I am practicing at this time.
I'm sure things won't be as easy as writing a list, but I intend to do my best to keep my head above water and make it happen! (And write more on my blog!)

A word of Thanks

No BS – I’m grateful.

Today, I unconsciously spaced out while driving – although I did not know it at the time.  I did not see a street light at all, and even though I have driven on this particular street many times over the years, I did not see it.  It wasn’t until I drove through the intersection that my son told me what had happened, and I was so stunned that I’d done that.  For some reason I thought it was one of the streets in the area with a stop sign (leaving me with the right of way), but I was wrong, and even though the light did change to green when I was in the middle of the intersection, the point is that I ran a red light – and I was devastated at such absent-mindedness.

 

I sit here this morning after a week of ups and downs, but through it all I had maintained a relatively even temper.  Our trip to St. Thomas was cancelled because of Hurricane Irene, and I had to think of something quick (it’s not often that I get a week off).  My son is starting a new school and has to maneuver public transportation – which is something that’s new for the both of us. I had a bad reaction to Acetametaphen which scared the life out of me.  On the flip side, my son and I had a lovely few days away from the loudness of New York.  We did a lot of driving and talking and paddle boat riding and walking and just breathing a bit easier while not being overwhelmed by our standard routine.  And as I tucked my son in to his bed this evening I said to him, “Everything is going to be all right.” And I think I believe that.  And so I sit here, watching a marathon of the TV One series “Unsung,” getting a sneak peak into the lives – the successes and failures – of some famous folks, and I feel especially grateful. 

I’m grateful that I lived another day. Grateful my son lived another day.  Grateful that my son has worn more smiles on his face than I have seen in a long time.  I did my frugal shopping at DEALS, gifted my boy with a new bike (the child’s knees were hitting his elbows on the other one). Grateful that I ran into my son’s old babysitter in the park and talked with her for almost 2 hours. Grateful that it’s my niece’s 12^th birthday.  Grateful that my son spent over an hour on Skype with his cousins.  Grateful that my thighs are still sore from a workout that I did 2 days ago! Grateful that I am still inspired to write (note that I totally ignore all grammar rules on this blog). Grateful that despite a little emotional flare up today, I feel calm (for now). I’m just so damn grateful that I made it safely to the other side of that intersection, and no one was hurt.  Yeah, I’m starting to feel my age and I have some new pounds that I’d never seen before, my hair is temperamental, I getting more grays and my back hurts more than before, but I am grateful.

Taking Flight

Life is pretty decent.  Hey, I'm actually alive, which is one of the bigger blessings of all, but I have to take a moment to kick myself for not living to my highest potential.  Interestingly, I got on my son's case for not doing that very thing, and within 2 weeks he has already upped his game, so imagine how painful my own little epiphany was when I realized that I, in fact, have not been doing the very thing that I preach as a parent.

I am stuck in a rut career-wise.  There is some truth to the fact that, in my attempt to change careers, it has been very difficult.  Some employers simply don't understand that I person really can want change and I personally got tired of trying to get them to understand that what I had been doing all of these years simply is not working for me.  And then I see people near and far from me who have gone out there are at least attempted at their dreams, and although I still dream in my mind, I don't think I have put much of anything into practice and have existed in the world of "getting by."  Well, "getting by" ain't cutting it anymore.  For the first time in my life I feel good about myself as a person - except for this one thing, so this is my lecture to myself to get up off my ass and do the damn thing because right about now I feel like I am all talk when it comes to the goals I set for myself so many years ago.

I know that there are challenges in my situation - a single parent, living check to check, no real physical support as well as this condition that I have to take care of everything (because I've been conditioned to ever since I was a kid).  Then there are the health problems - which I think I am finally managing quite well.  But this work situation is not cutting it for me at all.  I am not fulfilled in any way shape or form, and while it would be easy to point the finger at those who sign my time sheet every week, it is all my fault.  Actually, let me use a different word or words: this is all my doing (or lack of doing).  Somewhere along the line I must have started to believe subconsciously that I am only worth just "getting by" and that simply is not true.  I have so many talents that I do not exploit.  Granted, I think I do have talents that serve me well in my current situation, I feel as though I am past the point in my growth as a human being where those talents are impressive anymore, specifically to myself.  I have high expectations or myself, but this is not the case right now.  Right now I simply have expectations that I am not actively meeting.  I try, but I can try harder.  I can try smarter.  I can be more innovative, because for the most part, what's happening now is not working anymore.  This way of life for me has expired and it basically time to buy some new milk.

This plateau that I find myself on was supposed to be a layover in a bigger journey, and yet I find myself still hanging at the terminal, sleeping in an uncomfortable seat with my bags still packed in a bag on wheels on a path that is supposed to lead somewhere, but I'm simply not moving.  Well, it's time to move, so I'm oiling my joints and the creaky wheels of my bags because I'm ready to take flight.  Question is, which terminal shall I head to?  Stay tuned.