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Follow up: O-M-F-Weight!!!!

2012-01-14T14:31:00.000-05:00

So, it's been a little over a month since my online nervous breakdown, but I'm back from the land of hysteria.

I was not playing around when I said I would turn things around, and with that I got my butt in gear to make new and good things happen.

I continued with my weekend jogging, now up to a steady 3 miles per excursion (with the exception of last weekend when I was sick and only did 2 miles on Sunday). If I have a day off, I'm at the track. If it's raining, I'm on the track. Now, don't get it twisted, - I have not turned into one of those people obsessed with running per say, I've become obsessed with ME TIME. The running is great physically for me - I have shrunk overall in ways that I have NEVER done before (at least healthily - there was a stressed induced summer that had me losing 30 lbs over the summer - NOT a good look at all). But back to the ME TIME. I'm a single mother. Have been since the moment I knew I was going to become a mother. Over the years, I've never gotten into any relationships that offered any kind of relief or support to that of my parenting responsibilities. The support that I moved back near family for, well, whatever, and I had my baby when I was in my mid 20s, the time when my peers were still out partying, so it's been mostly me. So for me to be able to tell my almost-11 year old "I'm going to the track, I'll be back in an hour" and do that, all by myself, and not have to worry about his snack bag and making sure he has things to occupy himself with and making sure he'll have a good time so that I'll have a good time, and on and on - I just never realized how much freedom taking on a hobby, just for myself, would afford me. And I love my son like crazy, but in doing that, I always forget about me. And going to the track, to jog, is all about me!

Jogging has allowed me to quiet my mind in ways that I have not been able to do in years. Just after the first quarter mile lap, I'm in or approaching a zone. There have been a few times when I have been distracted, but I eventually have gotten there. In the beginning, I listened to the book The Secret, and I have to say, I think that was a MAJOR motivating factor in me really getting into the emotional relaxation part of what jogging has done for me. Listening to that book also helped me to adjust the ways in which I talk to myself, motivating myself to get through something or another. Instead of thinking I have to do 12 laps, I have to do 12 laps, every lap is lucky number (fill in the blank). Every lap is great. Every lap is an achievement. Every lap makes me proud to take on. The book and jogging also allowed me to THINK about the goings on in my life versus STRESS about them. I really don't know how else to explain the mental transformation that has taken place - and that doesn't mean I don't have rough moments, but I get through them better than before.

I've also made adjustments to my food intake. I'd already started counting calories with My Fitness Pal for a while now, but still, I wasn't seeing the kinds of results I thought I should by just counting all of my calories, so I made some small adjustments that have rendered big results. My snack during the day is a green smoothie that I make every morning at home. So instead of chomping on low calorie crackers, of peanut butter on pita bread, or whatever snacks I thought were pretty healthy, I sip on a green smoothie throughout the day. I also started making my own salads, incorporating poultry or fish and light oil-based dressing (only 2 tablespoons of it too!). My salads are very filling and never boring, and if I eat something else with the meal I make sure the salad is bigger than the "hot meal".

In addition, during the week, when I can't get to the track, I do a series of strength training moves, and have recently incorporated calesthetics like burpees into the mix to really "work it out."

And guess what! I have since loss 12 pounds, my belly has shrunken, my pants are baggy, and I sure don't look 5 months pregnant! In addition, my mind feels good. I am not exhausted all the damn time (though it was a rough week at the office and I will be lounging this weekend). Aside from those physical and mental achievements, most importantly, this whole process is showing me that I can induce change. I can turn things around, because for a long time I've been feeling like I'm not living life, it's just happening and I'm a passenger. Right now, I definitely feel like a driver, and even though there may be traffic and I may have to take a detour or two to get to my destination, I'm operating that wheel, and that feels damn good!

O-M-F-Weight!!!!

2011-12-10T21:30:00.000-05:00

My body has changed drastically in the past year and a half. I have gained 15 lbs. Oh-my-freaking-gosh!

Couple that with the my recent digestive problems and we have ourselves a metabolism meltdown that has left me with a (gasp) belly! Sorry, this is very difficult for me to comprehend - I truly believe that I am in some serious denial, or at least I was until recent shopping excursions left me purchasing clothes anywhere from 1 - 2 sizes larger than what I consider normal for me. But the belly thing - me looking like I did when I was 5 months pregnant, and I ain’t pregnant (note: I didn’t start showing until I was 5 months pregnant, so I wasn’t huge, it’s just that it was physically clear that if you looked at me, you could see that I was maybe pregnant). Anyway, I am not pregnant, and as a result, I do not want to look pregnant. Also, I see the weight gain in my face - oh my gosh!!!! Oh my freaking gosh! Shyt!

And the screwed up thing about this is that I started running, and I love it, and my legs do too, but my belly doesn’t, so what’s up with that? I’m not eating ice-cream everyday. I drink occasionally, but not even every week. I drink a shit load of water daily. I’m not snacking on chips everyday, so seriously WTF?

Ok, I kinda know what could possibly have contributed to this 15 pound weight gain in under 2 years.

I don’t eat enough. I (most of the time) track my food intake with MyFitnessPal, and the thing gave me a 1200 daily calorie goal, and, well, I don’t always meet it (and the 1200 calorie goal is my suggested minimum!)

I don’t work out every day. I used to. 20 minuted of some cardio / strength training workout after I dropped me kid off at school. Now I do it sporadically. I just got so frustrated with not seeing any major results physically that I did get turned off, but I would work my ass off every weekend. And doesn’t running around all day count? Apparently not!

I don’t take my meds / supplements every day. I need about 10 pills to supplement my weak blood and other chronic issues, and even though it takes 30 seconds to a minute to swallow all those damn pills, sometimes I just say F-it! Lately, I’m lucky if I take my daily prescribed meds (my apologies to my Grandma - RIP - for me criticizing her for not taking her meds on time and every day. I get it now).

I still don’t sleep enough. This started way back when, when I was a junior in high school. I went to boarding school and once you became a junior you didn’t have “lights out.” And then when I moved on to the senior dorms, which had the computer labs in them, and were open all night, well, since I was on scholarship and didn’t have my own computer in my room, well, you see where this is going. And then when I got to college, I attended full-time while working a full-time job, at the same time, at which point I was getting home at 12:45pm Monday thru Friday (well, I had my weekends off). So the bad habit that started off as a small snowball, just turned into a gigantic boulder, of ice! And I have maintained that sleep lifestyle (or lack of), for almost 20 years (I pray, and actually believe that I can in fact turn around the damage that I have done to my body). It’s only recently - as recent as a few months, that I get an average of 5-6 hours sleep daily. New goal: definitely a minimum of 6 hours sleep, but the goal is for 7 full hours sleep. (I’ve done good with the 6 hours, but I know it’s still not enough, though I feel better than I have in ages).

And did I mention that I’m going to be 37 in 6 months? So you see, I need to shit or get off the pot when it comes to getting my shit straight (literally) regarding my entire well being. And so it begins.

I believe that I have the capacity to be in better health and shape than I have my entire life. I plan to. Actually, I’m working on it right now. This weekend I’m cleansing - just taking it easy with the food intake. It was supposed to be a complete liquid weekend, but I caved and had a Caesar salad (with croutons!) and the shyt was awesome, no regrets, lol! But I’ve digressed. The point is sure, while I was driving to a friend’s place today, instead of putting on music in the car, I half-chanted/ sang “I’m hungry”, BUT I did some mind of matter Jedi mind trick on myself and said that I will stick to the plan of cleansing and getting my nutrients via green smoothies (which I have yet to make), fruits, vegetables, and other lite fan fare (like the incredible Banana Probiotic Yogurt that I had for breakfast). I haven’t perfected my plan yet, and have reached out to sources for support - including a friend who guides people on a homeopathic/ natural way of living (I figure, just getting her involved in my journey holds me even more accountable because even she will be expecting results). I’m looking into the kinds of changes that I know my body is going through, investigating what I perceive to be my overacting cortisol levels, and fine tuning my workout plan (I did 3 miles on the track today - running 1.5 miles straight and then alternating between speed walking and jogging an additional half mile - I have to jog instead of sprint as a result of my chronic asthma).

By the way, in the middle of typing this I made a green smoothie (spinach, banana, strawberry, carrots, banana yogurt & blueberries) and it looks like diarrhea in a cup, but I’m drinking it! (I does not have an attractive smell either, but oh well... bottoms up!

Protein Treatment for Winter Hair

2011-11-26T17:31:00.002-05:00

So people, I thought I would switch things up for a second and see if it would help if I added a mayonnaise based pre-shampoo protein treatment to my hair regimen. Here is my proposed recipe:

1 egg
2-3 tbsp mayonnaise
1-2 tbsp extra virgin olive oil

I will dampen my hair, apply the mixture and let it set for 30 minutes (a perfect excuse to relax in a nice steamy spa bath). Afterwards I will wash my hair with Shea Moisture's Hibiscus and Coconut Shampoo, and deep condition with Alter Ego for 30 minutes under a hooded bonnet dryer, rinse with clear water, use a homemade herbal rinse (rosemary and lavender), detangle, set on magnetic rollers, and sit under the bonnet dryer.

Side note: I've done the roller set for the past 2 weeks and while it dries and stretches my hair nicely, I've noticed a lot of fairy knot in the front of my hair especially - what's up with that? I'm hoping some extra conditioning will help... I don't know, well see.

While I like my other pre-shampoo treatments, I figure my hair could use all the moisture it can get. This recipe doesn't require a lot of ingredients - all of which I already have - and hopefully it won't hurt. Stay tuned...

... 1 hour later...
that protein treatment did not got as well as I would have hoped. As a matter of fact, once I shampoo'd and applied my deep conditioner treatment I had LOTS of shedding. Now I won't completely blame that on the protein treatment, but my hair was feeling quite papyrus-esque! Here's to hoping the rest of my routine salvages what's gone down already!

To Be Continued!...

Alrighty, so clearly, not all things are for all people and that's all right. I'm not one of these bloggers who wants to preach what everyone should be doing with their hair. Heck, if you want to put pigeon shit in your hair to make it grow, go for it! With that being said, I steered a bit from what I'd planned to do - in an effort to not be sitting under a bonnet dryer for two hours) and detangled, sealed with my oil mixture (castor oil, avocado oil, extra virgin olive oil, tea tree, rosemary, and peppermint), and then used a heat protector (IC's Hair Straightening Serum) before using a round bristle brush and my hair dryer on light heat. Now, I've had that pretty costly brush for years, and tried to use it in the past (to not so pretty results), but the stars were aligned for me tonight because it worked out. You see, in the past couple weeks I've been doing the aforementioned roller set, but I noticed the fairy knots appearing out of no where, which began to attribute to my roller set (it's the only major change I've made in the past month that I can sort of blame for the knots) so I figured I would try to bristle brush to help stretch the hair at my ends as well. So it took about an hour, I did it, and I still had my big hair!

Here's a quick look at my hair growth progress from last year and a new photo from today :)

When Products Attack

2011-11-12T22:34:00.000-05:00

It is with a heavy heart, and completing the 6 stages of grief, that I report that one of my favorite products has turned on me! It was so good while it lasted. It didn't cost a lot, but wasn't like a cheap one night stand (more like a May-December romance), it made me believe in the good of humanity and that you could indeed find it where least expected. It was so good on the inside as well as the outside. It was my ace-boon-coon, my partna who turned on me at the least minute like Gerry Butler did to Angelina Jolie in Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life. I am speaking of it, whose name I don't even want to say , but must: Suave Naturals Tropical Coconut Conditioner!

(Sigh)

So here's what had happened. I was loving my Suave Coconut conditioner like a half gallon of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream after a long. hard day. And I was sharing this relationship with everyone - including right here in this very blog. My sis tried it and her response was not favorable, to which I thought, "she must be crazy" or "she must not be using it right." And then it happened! Lord, honey chile! I washed and conditioned my hair with my Suave Naturals Tropical Coconut Shampoo and Conditioner - and my hair felt like PAPER! And not that expensive paper from Papyrus either. As a matter of fact my hair didn't even feel like paper from the 99 Cent store - it felt like old-17th Century-hidden in a trunk- deep in the pits of an old slave plantation that had been flooded and burnt, to be pulled from its dark hole-and brought in to the light only to immediately wither and almost die -PAPER. Broke my freaking heart!

BUT, I was in denial, for months. I thought I'd moved on at first, thinking "oh, my hair just needs a break - like Ross and Rachel on Friends. We'll get back together, after almost marrying other people, and live happily every after. Well I thought my chance and a renewed partnership had come the other day. I needed to do a quick co-wash to hold me over for just 2 days (I used a hair dryer with a comb attachment on my hair - something I haven't done for almost 3 months - and the damage was immediate, so I needed to fix it stat, and I THOUGHT my Suave Naturals Coconut Conditioner was Old Faithful just waiting to come out of the closet and pitch hit with bases loaded, 2 out, and in extra innings in the seventh game of the World Series. And what did Old Faithful aka Mariano Rivera in the Spring of 2010, do? Something I never would have expected? IT BLEW THE SAVE!

(Sigh)

So, I must give it a fond farewell via toilet (since my once faithful partner in crime actually doesn't work for anyone that I know). Such a shame. What a waste. Is there nothing sacred people? Can't a girl (ok, grown ass woman) have one thing that will always have my back? Dayuuuummmm. But it's ok. In my brain stem I think I knew. I didn't want to know, but I did. Dayum!

P.s.: (dis)Honorable mention to Queen Helene's Cholesterol Hair Conditioning Cream. What in the hippity-hip-hop is going on?

(Sigh) Dating...

2011-11-06T17:00:00.004-05:00

...or should I say "not" dating. Ugh. It's just such a chore for me because I know I'm "different" and I have my issues, as noted in my aforementioned blog entries, but damn! Really? No amount of hypnotism and self reflection will make me understand why it's so damn hard for me.

The nastiest people, funkiest ho's (hey, ho's need love too), nastiest, ungrateful, unsympathetic people out there have someone, or at least have options, and my corny ass tries to flip things by turning "no one will date me" into, "well, I'm taking a dating hiatus" just to make myself feel better, lol!

It's funny, but it's sad at the same time. While I have acquired more confidence than I had even 10 years ago, I'm still not there, and I hate to admit (but I will) that the opinions of others do, in some way, feed into my timid approach to this dating thing.

Thing is, I look at things too practically. I'm so concerned (overwhelmed) with how I'm going to pay for my 10 year old's college years that I've all but abandoned the idea of the possibility of having more children. It's not a stupid thing, but it is a fear that is damn near crippling because I know I wont be finish paying my student loans until I'm a Grandma, and I don't want that for my boy. Then there's also the fact that I am now in the late 30s category, and let's say I meet Mr. "he doesn't get on my nerves all the time" and allow myself to get impregnated (on purpose this time) - that's not something that I'm going to rush into! And if I do take my time, I'll be a woman in her 50s with a young child. WTF? The people in my family never look their age - despite how I feel, I know I don't look my age, and my sis who is 2 years behind me practically looks like a fetus, but regardless of how I look, if I make it to my 50s, I will have the body of someone in their damn 50s, and I don't want to go to no play dates at my current "parent-age" - what I look like, being the age of someone's Grandma, with my 5 year old, trying to relate to the young moms and their spa dates? lololol!

So, I have a couple of options:

Date an older man (with kids of his own who are probably older than my youngest sibling - my youngest sibling is 15 by the way)
Become a young cougar
Try harder with the online dating thing (this is some exhausting shit! No one likes me- except for the fake West African scammers all names David - and they haven't even heard my voice yet, lol!)
Wear more revealing clothes (back to the older man thing, because the men my age don't even see me)
Get a nose job and liposuction, a weave, bleach my skin, trade in my Honda Civic for a Lexus, and shop at Macys and above only (no more $10 store) and trick some dude into liking something that isn't even a representation of who or what I am -- too much freaking work

I have to laugh. I have to, because I'm too old for this kind of thing to be keeping me up at night, and we all know I'm getting older so I need my sleep!

I would just love for someone to tell me that being myself - my practical, frugal, crazy, funny, serious, tough, loving, hardworking self - is actually enough, because it's either that, or make it clap on the pole so that I can pay these student loans off, make sure my son doesn't acquire student loans himself, and have someone tell me he loves me - despite his drunken stupor.

And so that ends my being a smart ass today :)

In My Head

2011-10-30T21:17:00.003-04:00

After taking the week to recover from my first long distance (almost 3 miles is long for me) run in over 20 years, I ran again, and in interesting weather as well (weather that went from constant rain to a freaking snow storm in October!).

Anyway, I decided that Michael Jackson would accompany on the day's journey, and it was a perfect choice (let me tell you, there is something about listening to "Man in the Mirror" when you're jogging and in a zone).

I realized something around mile 2. Life is like a race, and while I do want to get to a destination, where I end up may not necessarily be what I thought I wanted or needed, and that the journey is equally important in evolving into hopefully a better and happier person. In my head, while favoring my right thigh muscle, in the beginning I kept saying over and over to myself that "I have to do 3 miles, I have to do 3 miles" and then finally that chant turned into "I have to keep good form, I have to keep good form" because let's face it, what's the point of getting to any destination if you don't do it in good form, or with regard to real life experiences - with no class.

I may not end up rich, I may not end up with a husband, or more children or a new job, or whatever, but it hit me that living my life with as much class as I can, and getting through my experiences - yes, with goals in mind, but being present in the moment as well - is just as important as crossing that finish line.

I'm a Runner?

2011-10-23T15:42:00.007-04:00

I did something today that I have not done since I was about 13 years old. I ran today!

Actually I did a combination of walking and jogging for about 2.75 miles (when adding the walk to the track it may even be closer to 3/3.5 miles - yes, I will be counting my distances) because of the differences in my body from that active 13 year old to this "mostly active' 36 year old. First, and basically most important is that I know have chronic asthma that so bad that a little cold for me can easily turn into pneumonia. Second, I hadn't working out consistently in over 2 months - it's been very sporadic - so while I knew I had some endurance and strength in the tank, who knew how that would translate to me running outside on a track as opposed to doing 20 minutes on my new mini-stepper or lifting hand weights.

I usually don't get nervous about a lot of things, but I admit I was. I knew there would be people there - especially considering the time of day (2:00) - who would be there, watching, judging, and possibly being straight up a-holes, so I didn't want to find myself in a situation where I'd have to directly deal with anyone's attitude. Unfortunately we live in a world so full of criticism where you'll have someone talking shit even though they aren't doing anything themselves, and with the change of climate in my neighborhood, I just wanted to avoid it all together. But you know what - I pay my taxes, so that track is just as much mine as anyone else's, so I put on my running pants, sports bra, t-shirt, y\Yankee hoodie (bought at Yankee Stadium for a ridiculous amount of money - hey it was freezing that day and I was desperate!), my sneakers (with insoles), set out to purchase a fanny pack, made sure the J. Cole album was synced to my iPod (I need my rap music when I'm working out hard - regardless of how ridiculous the music has gotten), and I got my ass moving.

And it was great!

I was so scared about the possibility of an asthma attack, but I didn't want to not do this because of that, so I did a combination of running and walking - I don't know all the running lingo, but it was like interval training. I was in constant motion for about 40-45 minutes (even when folks decided that the track was a perfect place to play touch football or soccer), I monitored my breathing - never forgetting what works for me (in through the nose, out through the mouth), engaged the core (but I wasn't anal about it), maintained my form, and when I accelerated, I jogged (I could have very easily got into my head and tried to compete with myself, therefore ending up doing something stupid like running at full speed, but I paced myself). I am so proud of myself. And I feel good - feel like I got a good workout (who knows how I'll feel later, or tomorrow morning, but I do like the burn so to speak).

Here are some of the benefits of jogging:

Strengthens the heart*
Increases the capacity of blood circulation and respiratory function*
Speeds up digestive system*
Increases metabolism*
Strengthens muscle and bone density*
Reduced blood pressure**
Increased HDL cholesterol (the good cholesterol which helps control cholesterol levels)**
Improved endurance**
Stronger immune system (as is the case for exercise in general)**
Improved sleep**

*MotleyHealth.com
**FreeFitnessTips.co.uk

Old Settler

2011-10-10T12:07:00.000-04:00

I just read an article on MadameNoire that made me want to chime in on the topic of women settling, or more to the point: for women to stop settling.

I'll try not to be a pessimist about this, because I still have hope for many things - but sometimes, not settling is hard to do for some things. I do agree, however, that settling is not a good look at all.

For instance, in my experience with "relationships" it has been proven that whenever I settled, I have suffered many an emotional and physical ramifications. And I always knew immediately "this shit happened because my ass settled." If anything, I am more than honest with myself, especially when I screw up.

It's a great article, especially when one needs a bit of a pep talk to rise out of the dumps of despair. Maybe I'll even get it through my thick head one day, lol!

Mean Old People

2011-10-04T23:11:00.000-04:00

One does not earn respect just for living longer than the rest of us.

My neighbor who lives in the apartment above me, and who is either 93 or 97 (it's keep changing every time I talk to her, but I guess after 90, it really doesn't matter), and who has lived in this building for 34 or 37 years (that also changes every time I speak with her), is a freaking noise pest.

She is going deaf. I am not, but apparently I am on the losing team and am forced to listen to news television until about 4am. Oh, let me not forget how she keeps moving what I believe to be a wooden chair back and forth, several times throughout the night - and when I say "night" I mean from 11pm up until 4am most times.

You see, the first time I confronted her about the noise, she gave me the "I'm an old lady, I don't mean any harm" BS. She even gave me a hug and said she wanted to be friends. I told her "Ma'am, I understand that you have some hearing issues, but you have to understand that I have a child who goes to school, and I go to work, and we both have to wake up really early in the morning, so we need sleep.

And do you think that worked? Hell no!

I was on the phone one night, around 11pm, and the person I was talking to could hear the sound of the 7th floor lady dragging this chair back and forth. The other night, after being kept up late but the dancing chair, and then woken up early by the blasting TV, I slipped a not under her door. The first line went like this: I am TIRED. She got the note almost immediately, and turned that shit down. Then, about an hour later, buzzed my ringer, not to apologize, but to tell me again about how long she's lived in this building, how old she may be, and how she has hearing problems in one of her ears (which means the other fucking ear is working fine, right?) When I brought up the furniture dragging, she swore "that's not me." "So now I'm imagining things?" I asked. She didn't reply directly to that, just said "she doesn't have a chair". Yeah-freaking-right! I am not deaf, and I know a freaking dragging chair when I hear one. She also claims "I go to be by 10:00, 10:30 the latest." Actually, it seems like she wakes up around that time. And now I sit here, after 11pm, listening as my walls vibrate from the sound blasting from her TV, so this is what I'ma do. File a 311 noise complaint online. Leave her a note in the morning - shit, my night is ending shitty, why not start hers letting her know (and if anyone wonders, hell no I don't feel bad - I've been going through over a year of this shit, complaining to management and the super, so I'm doing good on my, not "threats" but promises).

I share all of this to say "look lady, bravo on being 94 or 97 years old - whichever it is that day - and if you need someone to put in on some headphones just ask, but I cannot respect someone trying to play the "old person' card when they're being an ass. And I peeped her game when I reminded her that we'd had this conversation before. Wanna know what happened? That soft, naive, "I'm an old person, let me do what I want' look on her face dropped, the bass went up in her voice, and one of her eyebrows went up (and I know allllll about the eyebrow honey. When my eyebrow goes up it means I'm about to cut someone), so it is officially war! Chaaarrrrge!

Daddy for hire?

2011-10-02T23:46:00.001-04:00

I am 36 years old, and a single parent to a 10 year old boy (pardon me, 10 and a half), and for the first time in my life, I'm sit here about to type the words that I have never even considered, to share with whoever is out there with insomnia who ended up on this page after initially looking for a cake recipe of youtube: I wish I had a father.

I hate to admit that the relationship of who should be the first man in your life affects your relationships with other people, and with men in particular, but it unfortunately does. I thought it was good that I was this tough girl, representing the boogie down Bronx in my suit, raising a lovely boy and maneuvering a daily routine that, if I saw it written down on paper, would not understand how it's done. I thought that mean-mugging through the tough neighborhood where my son's school is housed just so no one would even think about messing with me, teaching my boy how to box, hell, raising my boy without his dad or a father figure - I thought "it's ok, it's ok". It really isn't, and that's not to say that it can't be done, but I wonder when will the cycle end?

I love men, but men have not ever really loved me, including my own father. One thing I need to explain about my father is that I did not meet him until I was about 2 years old because according to a letter that I found, he wasn't leaving college to "see some kid." And then when he finally did "come home," it was fucking torture. I don't know if many women have withstood lectures with a father who had notes - that he gave to me afterward - titled "3 Things that are Wrong with You" (on yellow post-it notes, sectioned via Roman numerals). And then there was the time when he "disowned" me - apparently I was hopeless because I was "so much like my mother" but then a year later he tries to beat me like a dude because he thought I didn't say "hi" to him when I passed him in a stairwell...

Look, I don't write all of this to do a poor me routine, it is what it is. The thing that upsets me is that even though I know that's how he was and that not all men are like him, I somehow have managed to live a life that has attracted men who are either unavailable or abusive emotionally (not physically! One ex pushed me ONE TIME, and after I pushed his ass back I ended that, stat!). So I guess I should really be mad at myself for not seeking better, not doing better. And now here I am, 36, never married (which isn't an issue), never been loved, and now wants to curl up into the arms of a Daddy who will lie to me and say everything is going to be all right because I feel like a failure and I imagine that the hug of a Daddy would make it all feel even a little bit better.

Clearly, this is my issue, as many other women without their own Daddies have gone on to have love and very fulfilling lives, so I have to wonder, what is wrong with me? Did he - my own Daddy - see the thing that is wrong with me decades before I was able to? Does he have any advice (as I recall back when I was 13, apparently my problems were 1-Lack of love for family, 2-Lack of love for culture, and 3-Lack of compassion, and while I have to sincerely disagree, it must be something, right?).

Interestingly, I'm not one of these hateful hens out there who wants everyone to be miserable with her. I love seeing the people I care about in love. I am just so freaking happy for them because the idea of not feeling loved in a romantic, or even parental way, is so painful, I honestly do not wish that on anyone. I love seeing people happy, just 'cause.

Well, hopefully in a year, a month, a week, a day - I can look back at this late night case of verbal diarrhea and laugh at my melodramatic self, but right now, I really am in search of an answer. And I really would like a Daddy, even at my old age!

Me Time: For Moms

2011-10-01T17:03:00.000-04:00

There seems to be a bit of a revolution happening around here. All of a sudden, it appears that some moms and going to the local store by themselves. Taking walks in the parks by themselves. Even - gasp! - going to a restaurant or the movies, you guessed it... by themselves! And to that I say, It's about freaking time!"

Maybe I should have prefaced this entry by stating that this message is not for negligent moms - you know, the ones who tell their kids good night on Friday and then don't come back until Sunday morning (trust, I saw this kind of behavior with my own eyes when I was a child - not my mom, but an "aunt" - sorry, I wasn't having anyone think my mom was the one gone all weekend - nope, not her... anyway...).

So, like I was saying, it seems some of us moms out there are starting to realize that we aren't confined to elderly homes just yet, and that we should be able to take just a little time to enjoy doing things for ourselves that don't include making sure someone has their snack, or a change of clothes just in case a little one can't hold it, or going to see boring ass cartoon movies (or what I like to call "paying to take a nap in an uncomfortable chair and cold theater"). Or how about just being able to space out as you walk down the street, with the hope that you don't space out so much that you get hit by a vehicle, or by someone walking and texting! The point is, some of us moms are reclaiming "Me Time!"

Now, there are different types of "me time." There's the kind where you lock yourself in the bathroom and cry like Cochise (Cooley High reference) died all over again because your kid asked you for the 10th time why can't he sleep in your bed anymore (and that broke the camel's back). Then there's that me time that includes locking the kids in their room and doing what we all did before we gave birth to them - vacuum in the nude blasting U2's Greatest Hits while sipping on a glass of something alcoholic. Or, just taking a walk somewhere, with no timetable, no real reason, except to just breath and be.

I decided, now that my son is in middle school and is forced to travel damn near 3 miles home everyday on public transportation, that maybe this was the real beginning of the cutting of the strings just a bit (I stress that because at the end of the day my child is still a child, he just isn't in diapers and doesn't ride his bike with training wheels anymore). So at first I found myself doing things like going to the supermarket around the corner alone. Then it was 'going to the hair supply store just 10 blocks north' alone. Then it was 'I have to run to Riverdale to pick something up' (a 5 minute drive) alone, and just 2 weeks ago it was the "I'm going to see an adult (NOT porn) movie alone!'. F.Y.I., I say Drive, starring Ryan Gosling, Albert Brooks, Carey Mulligan, Bryan Cranston, and Ron Perlman, and IT WAS AWESOME! Both the movie, and the overall experience, despite the fact that my son calls me 20 minutes before the film ends to ask me when I'm coming home.

My sister happens to be doing the same thing now too with her kids. Heck, the movie theater in her town is even closer to her than mine is. And a friend of mine recently went to Ireland, leaving her kids with their father/ her husband, for a week and a half (forget the fact that they seemed a bit traumatized by the experience - they'll get over it - she looked great and refreshed!)

The point is, having children or a mate or both does not mean that we give up everything that made us who we were before these new factors came into our lives, because whether it's going to the movies, eating out once a month, taking an art class, window shopping for the hell of it, going to a street fair, going out dancing - all of those things made us who we were (and when we hopefully liked ourselves a lot. If you didn't like yourself then, well, this isn't for you, no harm, no foul). And the people who love us should support mommy "me time" because isn't what informed us of who we were in the early stages of our relationships - didn't that inform our personalities and what attracted them to us in the first place. So moms everywhere, I beg you. When your children are of an appropriate age, and when you are in a situation like me and many others who do not have physical support, when you can, give yourself the gift of "me time." You'll love it. And after your kids and/or man stop being mad at you, they'll love it too!

Who Knew?

2011-09-24T20:05:00.002-04:00

I think I am allergic to bobby pins! W-T-Freak?

A few weeks ago I decided that this fall was all about the updo for 2 reasons: 1- I wanna be chic and do me and so something that isn't necessarily standard, and do me (I know I repeated myself). 2- With this new commute and extra time it takes to get my son to his school across town, I'm tired, and I don't want that tiredness to become laziness, and my hair break off and I end up looking like I'm a crackhead on the corner looking for my next hit.

There is also a #3- hair length retention. While I did go back to a lot of my old routines that worked well before I started trying things by a lot of these "natural hair nazis" on the internet, my routine did need adjustment, and I did just that.

So, I do the lovely tuck and pin do, and I love it. And other people do to. A colleague of mine - a white male from long island - who I'm sure could give a flying 'you-know-what' about the "natural hair movement" stopped me in the hall and said "I really like this hairstyle on you, and I can tell that you do too!" And then a woman stopped me in a bookstore and said "I love your hair. I just had to stop you and tell you - how did you do it." She also told me that it was a very attractive do on me after I expressed how nervous I was to do an updo with my big cheeks. So, I was feeling myself and the 'do a bit. And then my scalp started itching like the aforementioned crackhead on the corner looking for the next hit.

Now, considering I drink like a gallon of water a day, I was confused. And sure, I didn't oil my scalp everyday (I mean, really? Every freaking day????), but I'm not trying to have a haystack ontop my head, so I THOUGHT I maintained well enough. Well "wrong answer!" because like I said, my scalp was itching like a crackhead in a bad '80's movie.

Then I felt sores on my scalp - WTF! Again, WTF! The tuck and pin is not a 'do that is tight, pulling on the edges or anything else. So Why TF am I getting sores on my scalp. And then after a bout a week it hit me that I may actually be having an allergic reaction to my freaking bobby pins. Now I have not seen a dermatologist about this, but let me tell you (or whoever is reading) why I think this: because I notices that these bobby pins be shedding their painted layer at the drop of a hat, and when I was little and my own momma and grandmomma used bobby pins, I don't remember ever seeing them shed that painted layer like they do now - and I'm not just talking about the ones from the 99 cent store either!

So I Googled the "situation" and found that there are, in fact, other people out there with the same symptoms. So now I gotta find something in place of the metal bobby pins. When I do find an efficient enough substitute, I'll write a review, but for now, just damn!

Come on, mane!

2011-09-05T16:44:00.000-04:00

Today is one of those DAYS! One of those days when I want to shave it all OFF! And usually I would chop it off and then let my sister know so she can yell "you cut it again!", but I am determined to grow this sh.../ stuff out so I can start sporting my old lady plats - that's all I want. Plat it up and wrap it around my head - yes, I am ready for my old lady look, now. But instead, I a here, trying to enjoy not laboring on this labor day, and I actually would like to scream.

So here's the deal, went on a mini vacation last week and did not have on my travel hair, aka braids (I took them out after it was confirmed that Hurricane Irene had destroyed my trip to the Caribbean - I was mad). But I got my head together and we did a road trip that included time at a water park. I figured, I'll just keep it pinned up, slap on some extra conditioner, blah blah blah. Well the hair looked pretty good throughout, but it seems that I am now paying for it. Got home, washed deep conditioned - twice (I won't even go into how the Suave coconut conditioner decided not to work for my hair any longer. Now I have to find a new conditioner - dayuuummm!) - light blow out (of course with heat protection and all other kinds of hair protection), flat twisted for 2 days. Whew. Took the twists out this morning and my hair felt dry. As the day has progressed, the dryness is driving me nuts because I feel like the next stop is "Breakage City" and considering all the new growth I acquired from my travel hairdo (for the travel that never was IRENE!), I am trying to keep on track and grow this sucka out.

Interestingly, my scalp feels fine, so I'm thinking my hair got fried in that sun in south Jersey, to which my response is "hell no." So, what I am doing now is boiling together a mixture of green tea, rosemary and sage herbs. I have used a green tea rinse in the past and it was great for stopping breakage, and according to my trusty resource, Tulani Kinard's book "No Lye", sage herb is good for strengthening the hair, and rosemary stimulates circulation. I've already oiled my scalp with a simple mixture of extra virgin olive oil, castor oil, jojoba oil and tea tree oil.

Honestly, I planned to be wearing an updo in the coming month anyway, but when I touch my hair, I need it to feel a certain way. It's like when I'm boxing and hitting the heavy bag, I know when I have hit the bag successfully from the sound of the hit on the bag. My son came into the bathroom to me yelling at my hair and said "Wow mommy, you got a lot of hair. I think it looks good." And hysterical me yelled "no it's not, feel it! It's hard!" He felt it. And then he left the room, lol. I share all of that to say that there is a possibility that this is all in my head, BUT I know how all this hair feels, and it ain't pretty. Definitely not a 'Luv My Texture' day.

A word of Thanks

2011-09-05T00:12:00.000-04:00

No BS – I’m grateful.

Today, I unconsciously spaced out while driving – although I did not know it at the time. I did not see a street light at all, and even though I have driven on this particular street many times over the years, I did not see it. It wasn’t until I drove through the intersection that my son told me what had happened, and I was so stunned that I’d done that. For some reason I thought it was one of the streets in the area with a stop sign (leaving me with the right of way), but I was wrong, and even though the light did change to green when I was in the middle of the intersection, the point is that I ran a red light – and I was devastated at such absent-mindedness.

I sit here this morning after a week of ups and downs, but through it all I had maintained a relatively even temper. Our trip to St. Thomas was cancelled because of Hurricane Irene, and I had to think of something quick (it’s not often that I get a week off). My son is starting a new school and has to maneuver public transportation – which is something that’s new for the both of us. I had a bad reaction to Acetametaphen which scared the life out of me. On the flip side, my son and I had a lovely few days away from the loudness of New York. We did a lot of driving and talking and paddle boat riding and walking and just breathing a bit easier while not being overwhelmed by our standard routine. And as I tucked my son in to his bed this evening I said to him, “Everything is going to be all right.” And I think I believe that. And so I sit here, watching a marathon of the TV One series “Unsung,” getting a sneak peak into the lives – the successes and failures – of some famous folks, and I feel especially grateful.

I’m grateful that I lived another day. Grateful my son lived another day. Grateful that my son has worn more smiles on his face than I have seen in a long time. I did my frugal shopping at DEALS, gifted my boy with a new bike (the child’s knees were hitting his elbows on the other one). Grateful that I ran into my son’s old babysitter in the park and talked with her for almost 2 hours. Grateful that it’s my niece’s 12^th birthday. Grateful that my son spent over an hour on Skype with his cousins. Grateful that my thighs are still sore from a workout that I did 2 days ago! Grateful that I am still inspired to write (note that I totally ignore all grammar rules on this blog). Grateful that despite a little emotional flare up today, I feel calm (for now). I’m just so damn grateful that I made it safely to the other side of that intersection, and no one was hurt. Yeah, I’m starting to feel my age and I have some new pounds that I’d never seen before, my hair is temperamental, I getting more grays and my back hurts more than before, but I am grateful.

"Me" first, or "We" first?

2011-08-15T23:52:00.000-04:00

There are those of us out there who have this kind of bad habit of putting others first too many times (maybe even all the time). And that's a good thing, right? To be a good friend always there and listening even when you're dead tired and wrestling with a pain that can be just as deep as the person you're being a steady rock for, right? And then we hear it from our friends, family, maybe even co-workers sometimes when they cross that little imaginary line and decide to chime on on the supposed goings ons of our personal lives. The "you need to take it easy" speech.

And yet, interestingly, the moment you actually put yourself first, it is those same people who take offense, or sometimes even become outwardly angry at you when a blue moon strikes and you assert yourself - against them.

Things that make you go "Hmm?"

Although I don't particularly enjoy upsetting anyone, if someone if upset with me because I didn't ask "how high" when they said "jump!", here's what I'm gonna do...

I'm gonna take a nap, hopefully get some good spirit and beauty rest, and I'll check you on the flip flop.

And if you're still mad, have fun with that - I'm 36 years old, and I got a life to live (hopefully a long one!)ha

Product Review: Bliss Lemon + Sage Body Scrub

2011-08-07T13:55:00.000-04:00

There are a couple of things I must mention before I get into my brief review of this product.

First, being a reformed product junky, this item was not on my shopping list when I entered the Sephora counter at my local JC Penny. I went in there to get another acne skin care kit by Philosophy, and I thought IF there is something in there that I really need, then MAYBE I'll get it, but for the most part if I need something I will hit up my local Duane Reade, Family Dollar, Dollar Tree, or wherever I can get a discount. And considering the fact that his particular item is produced by Bliss, well imagine the $'s that flashed in my mind when even thinking about considering purchasing one of their products (which I know are very good, just not for my pockets at this point in time).

The second thing I must mention is that after opening the jar, I was immediately transported to a good time in my childhood. I couldn't pinpoint the exact moment in time, but all of a sudden I was reminded of my beloved Grandmother and how she used to always give my sister and I little bath and beauty products. I just remember sitting on the floor in her apartment in the Bronx and being surrounded by these smells that were both aesthetically pleasing as well as comforting... but I have digressed severely so let me get to it.

I am usually suspicious of body scrubs since I usually end up feeling like they don't do what I want them to do, which is to make me feel like I've been sandblasted, BUT I like this one, a lot. From the smell, to the scrubbing effect, to the price (I got it on clearance - the last one - for 7 bucks! The original price is $36, so I guess I'm going to have to save this scrub for special occasions until it goes on super sale again!)

The directions instruct the used to scrub the product on the body for a minimum of 5 minutes BEFORE getting into the shower. They suggest that frequent "scrubbing sessions" will soften skin and invigorate circulation.

When I used the product I felt that the scrubbing feeling was significant without feeling like I was trying to remove 10 layers of skin. With lemon being a natural remedy for skin with acne, and with it's lightening properties, this is perfect for me as I work on evening out the skin tone on my shoulders and upper back especially. Meanwhile, sage is said to work as an astringent, and antiseptic and an antibacterial treatment that acts as the perfect tonic for the skin, encouraging cell regeneration. All the things I look for in a product for my finicky skin. So at the end of the day would I recommend this product, at the regular price? After just one use, with my skin still feeling quite exfoliated - which I like a lot - yes. If you can get a hold of a small sample of the product, I suggest you try it out.

Is it that serious?

2011-07-21T20:50:00.000-04:00

I love that there is so much information available on the internet for various things. I have been stopped with the perms for over a decade, and had been doing exceptionally well with my do's. I love that there are so many websites and so much more information available to me as well as some who are starting out in this natural hair journey, but I have to ask sometimes - is it that serious?

One time I made a comment on a blog about how I blew out my hair once or twice a week with a hair dryer (GASP! Are you gagging?) and the verbal ass whupping I got on that site was, at first, laughable. Later, when the audacity of tone of several comments by folks named "anonymous", really hit me, I wished I'd had the presence of mind to quip back in the sarcastic nature that I do so very well in person. And for the ladies who prefaced their comments with "I'm not judging..." uhhh, yeah, you are, and uhhh, it's about how I treat MY hair, so o-k lady.

Anyway, I just find it amazing how, in loving our hair, some folks come across as so judgmental, and downright mean and rude in some cases. I even realized that this kind of behavior even seeped into my subconscious when I find myself reassuring women with chemically treated hair that "I'm not that kind of 'natural'. And please note: I used the word "natural" for the example I just gave - I don't walk around calling myself a "natural" - it just comes across as so divisive (like the vegetarian who comments on the slaughter of cows when a person is about to bite into their burger. To me, that's some mean shyt!).

I've recently had to remind myself that I have to do what works best for me, and I have not been doing that - for a while. I have a relatively healthy head of thick hair and now I want to obtain some more length. In trying to achieve this goal I found myself following routine that, although healthy, was not necessarily the best for me, and as a result, I wasn't seeing any results :(

Well, I done did my hair - the way I've always liked - did my nails, handling my skin care regimen (I'll address that in another entry) and now I gotta figure out what to do with my eye brows. I write all of this to say that I have not - in a very long time - felt the way that I'm feeling about the effort that I am putting into myself in a very long time. Sure, I'm always short on time - when have I not been? And sure, this is all so superficial, but it's my time, and I sure feel like I'm worth it, and of course I will have some low days (like yesterday!), but as I say many times, as long as I don't give up, I'ma be all right!

This "Hair" is taking control of meeee!!!

2011-07-21T18:27:00.000-04:00

(nerd alert: my take of Maroon 5's This Love, lol1)
Anyway, I was only able to wear my kinky curly 2-strand twists for a little over a week because my hair got DRY! And I moisturized my scalp, my hair, heck I was spraying water, water with veg. glycerin - I was trying everything I could to lock in the moisture and it was just not happening, so....

...let's try something different, shall we?

Tonight I am going to co-wash my hair with Suave Essentials Coconut Conditioner, apply a hair mask using a recipe that includes bentonite clay, honey, extra virgin olive oil, and apple cider vinegar, and finish with Organix's Moroccan argan oil renewing treatment. I don't know if I'm going to style it wet or dry yet. It all depends on the results of the clarifying treatment.

Later that day...

The hair mask was incredible - felt like may hair and scalp were detoxed without stripping it of all its moisture. I am also LOVING Organix's Morracan Argan Oil Renewing treatment. I'd tried one of those argan oil treatment packets by Creme of Nature a couple of weeks ago and loved the results on my hair and felt comfortable enough to invest the $8.99 for the Organix treatment, and it was worth it. My hair felt pampered and I think the detox treatment had a lot to do with how well my hair took to the renewing treatment. It felt extra soft and manageable, and coupled with the Suave Naturals Coconut Conditioner (as part of my hair washing procedure as I used this before the renewal treatment), I got the best results from new products in a long time. Let's see how this holds up in this nasty heat-wave weather, but for now, I am content :)

I Luv My Texture, but....

2011-07-01T17:21:00.000-04:00

... I need a break. Seriously. I'm about 2 seconds from cutting ALL THIS OFF.

It has been a pretty frustrating month whether it's my hair or my life, and with this heat of the summer about to reign its terror upon me, I cannot deal.

With the locks, for some reason the hair looks like it ain't growing, but I know that it is which means my ends are breaking off (I've noticed this the past 2+ weeks). And, styling it just hasn't been fun for me. Also the shrinkage in this heat is killing me. For a moment I thought about using all of these products to go the straight hair route for a minute, but in July? In New York? Not happening.

With the life, seems like life is a vampire and I'm the juiciest human around because it is sucking the life outta me.

So, what am I gonna do?

I'm gonna put some kinky twists up in my hair (I do them myself, so that says me buckets of money and my hairline - ya'll know what I mean!), and nourish my scalp back to health.

I'm gonna put the job hunt in full action mode.

I'm gonna stop eating these damn chocolate chip cookies on my table.

I'm gonna work out hard each day of this 3-day holiday weekend.

I'm gonna meditate like a mutha!

And I'm going to relax.
There's always going to be something to complain about or not be completely happy about, but at the end of the day I'm here. That's gotta count for something. I think it does.

New season, New Style

2011-06-16T18:37:00.000-04:00

Ok, I will admit straight up - whenever there is a new season, a new year, a new whatever... I declare that I'm going to reboot my life with terms like 'get my sexy back' 'get my grown-woman on' - stuff like that. Well, I have barely tried, and totally failed, each and every time. A lot of reason behind my failures is because, no matter what, I just don't see myself as a sexy woman. I see myself as this chick, on the grind, tired, working 100% but getting 35%, used to being unfulfilled, but still on the grind because it's what I do.

If there is a choice between doing my nails, or doing some laundry - laundry getting done. Styling hair, cooking a good dinner - I'm gonna cook a good dinner for my son. Between getting pampered by professionals or saving (or using) the money for something else that might come up - I'm saving the money for what might come up. I am stuck in a circle of 'everybody else but me,' but trust, I am trying my to change my ways.

There have been little successes. I have invested more time toward my health. I take a boat load of medications and supplements - many which I already had on hand - every day. I think I feel a difference. I also met with several doctors on different problems I'd been dealing and am in the process of trying to make things better. And just recently I have entered the world of 'calorie counting' (shout out to MyFitnessPal), in with the hopes of controlling the results of my changing metabolism. So, I'm working on it. But I do know that at the end of the day, if I'm not happy in my heart, all of these changes made will be for nothing. I figure, the fact that I haven't given up means I've already won.

My Favorite Recipes: Oatmeal Mask for Acne

2011-06-16T18:22:00.001-04:00

I tried this recipe when I was experiencing breakouts, and immediately saw a difference in my skin. Enjoy!

Boil 1/4 cup oatmeal. Add 2 tbsp of lemon juice, 2 tbsp of aloe vera (I use it from the leaf). You can stop here or add a little umph to the mixture, add 10 drops each of tea tree essential oil and geranium essential oil.

For extra dry skin, add banana and/or yogurt.

The Benefits of Lemon Water

2011-06-16T18:18:00.000-04:00

I've always been a fan of lemons and even though I usually drink water with my meals, my alternative drink of choice is lemonade. Check out this article on the benefits of lemon water.

The Benefits of Lemon Water

All right now, Dr. Ian...

2011-06-10T15:14:00.000-04:00

... I saw that your fitness expertise led to your team winning the Essence Magazine fitness weight loss challenge, and I bought your 4-Day Detox book months ago, so you got me. I'm going to make a go at it. And even though I may regret making such a declaration on Friday, after a rough week, and after just using half the funds in my checking account to pay bills, I'm gonna start it, this weekend. So let's see what happens, my imaginary friend. (and Lord help me!)

Curly Pudding Recipe

2011-05-25T20:20:00.000-04:00

After much research and prayers that I wouldn't screw this up, I have compiled and tested ingredients for my own homemade curly pudding, and I have to say this is the first product that I have used that has not left my air-dried natural hair, well, dry (as in dried out like hay).

Ingredients:

18-20 oz curl activator gel
10 oz Eco Styler Gel (Extra Virgin Olive Oil)
2 oz Cocoa Butter
4 oz Shea Butter
2 oz hair oil mixture (I used equal parts coconut, castor, grapeseed, jojoba & extra virgin olive oils, and vegetable glycerin)
2 oz beeswax
drops of tea tree essential oil

Directions
Melt the cocoa butter, shea butter and beeswax. I did this by melting in a container resting in boiled water.
Add both gels in a mixing bowl.
With an electronic hand mixer ready going, add the melted butters to the gel mixture.
Add the hair oil to the mixture and tea tree oil, with the hand mixer still going.

Once the ingredients and combined, place in a container.

I used this curly pudding on freshly washed and conditioner hair, and sealed my hair with a mixture of aloe, castor oil and my hair oil mixture. I think sealing the hair was a major contribution to the great results I had with the curly pudding.

Spa at Home: Pedicure

2011-04-16T15:57:00.000-04:00

Hey World,

I love the spa just as much as the next lady, but my wallet does not, which is why I am a big fan of DIY methods. Today I'm going to share what I do to give myself a pedicure at home.

Tools:

Foot bath massager * castille liquid soap with essential oil

pumice stone or foot scrub * moisturizing lotion

nail clippers * emery board

cuticle remover * nail polish remover

nail polish

Remove nail polish from toe nails and soak feet. I like to soak my feet in the my Conair Foot Bath massager, adding a couple of drops of castille liquid soap (with either tea tree or peppermint essential oil). After a good 15 minutes I either use a pumice stone of foot scrub to exfoliate, clip and shape nails, and then I like to soak again for a few more minutes. Pat dry feet and then moisturize, massaging feet and pushing back cuticles. Once feet are fully dry and moisturized, apply nail color. I like to apply base coat, color and then a top coat. Allow nails to dry, and then enjoy!

Diet Status

2011-04-04T13:40:00.003-04:00

... I just had to write a little something in the middle of the day to express what I'm feeling right about now. I am STARVING!

This is the second day of my 2-week (or more) Breakfast shake, lunch, dinner shake routine, and I swear if Wilbur from Charlotte's web walked in my path right now I would grab some barbecue sauce and make it happen!

I had my shake this morning, and snacked on carrots and a banana (I'm kind mad at bananas right now, lol). Had some lemon tea, and water, and the stomach pains had been hitting like labor pains for over an hour! But alas, I have in front of me my chicken gyro (chicken on pita with lettuce and cucumber sauce) and I am going to relish this MF like it's the last supper! I also got some chips (I know, I already admitted it as my weakness, but at least they're tomato and basil) and some popcorn (just in case shyt happens), so I'm thinking I can make it without snapping a pencil or someone's head!. BUT I am determined to try this out and see what happens. Pray for me. And them pray some more!

Edited to say: I ate my chicken gyro... and I feel like I'm dying! The gut is making noises like a dog that was starving and still mad even though I finally fed it. I need to lay down on the dirty office floor now! I need Day 3 to be better. For the love of all that is holy! How is the universe gonna punish a sister for going full throttle on the road to better heath? Damn!

P.S. I don't even want the chips or the damn popcorn anymore! Ouch!

Same goal, different approach

2011-04-02T18:59:00.000-04:00

Although I am not one of those women who dreads aging, I will admit to disliking a lot of the physical changes that I have noticed this past year. The metabolism seems to be slowing down a bit, the energy level is damn near non-existent at times, there are these 10 pounds that don't seem to want to leave and I haven't seen an ab muscle in a while. And I have been so resistant to go the starvation route because I love food dammit (grew up in a household with parents from the Caribbean and the South - what do you think! Can anyone say barbecue chicken with mashed potatoes and plantains with a side of cornbread?), but I almost went there. I almost decided to deprive myself in an attempt to see if I had any control over my body and whether I could change it (aside from the new tattoo on my back, lol! I'll share that experience another day!). I really want to lose 15 pounds before that 'middle-age woman weight' starts knocking at my door, so my goal has been to get rid of whatever fat I got on a seemingly trim body (according to the opinions of others, but according to the person who sees me naked everyday - I beg to differ). And let me tell this to the world - the shit is hard. Damn hard! I mean, when I start thinking about just drinking water all day, there's a problem! Last summer I drank my shakes for breakfast, laid off the heavy food, worked out damn near every morning before work, and not a damn thing happened except I didn't get winded running up the stairs of the subway station (not saying that isn't a great thing, but no ab muscles? Not even one?).

Anyway, I visited my local GNC, stocked up on my Total Lean Shake (meal replacement) mix, and perused the diet pill section when a store rep asks if she could help me. And the floodgates otherwise known as my mouth opened and poured freely. Things like "I tried everything" and "that shit don't work" to "I'm just going to eat vitamins" to "is asking to lose even 10 pounds too damn much" came out. Somewhere in between, we had an actual conversation and established a plan. And here it is.

Food intake:
Breakfast - Lean shake
Early snack - Lean shake (different recipe from my breakfast shake)
Lunch - this would be the heaviest meal of the day
Afternoon/ Early Evening snack - something lite like popcorn or granola
Dinner - Lean shake

The goal is to follow this, along with a more intense cross training workout over the next 2 weeks and see if I tone more and maybe lose a pound or two.

Now I am not going to sit here and act like I might not swipe a slice of chocolate cake or apple pie or ice cream, BUT my biggest weakness is actually chips (and don't throw in vegetable dip or I'm a straight up goner!). I'm the kind of person who makes a cake and gives away 75% of it because I will have a slice and then let it sit there until it molds. Ice cream gets old in my freezer. Candy can go untouched for months - even a year, until I clean in out before my son preps for a trick or treating excursion. I'm also not a soda drinker, although I did buy some a couple of weeks ago because I felt like it. I'm more apt to drink flavored seltzer water, or just straight up water. I don't even drink iced tea when I make it, but I will drink up some lemonade. Same thing with heavy meats like ribs - which I make maybe 2 - 3 times a year (one being Thanksgiving). I get my craving, appease it, and then I'm good for like 6 months. People think I am the most boring eater when I go out to restaurants, but that God for chicken or else I probably would be 10 pounds lighter, but I have long since digressed. The point was, chips has the potential to get me, but new rule for the apt - no chips during the work week!

I share that soliloquy of background info to say that I'm not up at 1 in the morning binging and snacking on anything I can get my hands on, and yet there has been no movement - at least in the direction that I would like - as far as my weight is concerned. And I hate that I am not thinking about weight, but it is what it is. I'm getting older. The body is changing. My health is not ideal (per conditions and deficiencies that I simply inherited). I have to try even harder to avoid diabetes especially (and if I have to go full vegan to avoid that, damn right I will. Somehow I'll make barbecue sauce on a celery stick work!).

Another thing that I did at my local GNC is purchase a weekly pill case for all of the medications and vitamins & supplements that I need to sustain good health. In addition to my prescribed meds, I am also taking ferrous sulfate (iron), a hair, skin & nails supplement, multivitamin, CoQ10, colace (to balance all of the iron that I take now), and last but not least, my Omega 369 pill - all of this for a total of 9 pills daily (I should be taking a few more things, but those are just gonna have to wait. 9 pills. 9!).

This is day 2. How do I feel? Not so bad. I'll feel even better after I shower and wash my afro after the workout I just had (btw, love my balance ball - talk about multi-tasking with the workout!), but the one thing that I will do is "just do it" (I know that reads weird, but flow with me on this). I'm going to follow the plan, and not take any measurements or weight until 2 weeks from today. I am hoping for the best. I am hoping that I stop being my own energy and do the damn thing. I'm hoping to see change (I know I'll see it, but I'm feeling a little vain and I want to see the damn change). I hope this works and puts me on the right track to an effective and doable lifestyle change, because I need it, bad.

Andiamo!

The Aftermath

2011-03-26T12:56:00.000-04:00

Sounds like a Dr. Dre album, right? lol! Well, it is dammit!

I cut off the emotional fat I mentioned in a previous post. I had no choice. It was either go mad, or save myself, and when I did it, after I'd done it I felt a weight the size of a ton lifted off my back.

It's never fun to break the heart of someone you love, but what are you supposed to do when they keep stabbing you in yours? Stand there and take it? For decades? What I have decided to do is wish everyone well and work on me, with the hope that in the future, when everyone is ready to acknowledge and address outstanding issues, there can be one big happy family. If that day comes, great. If not, I have have to live and preferably be happy in the process, so great either way.

Interestingly, for the first time in I think my entire life, I feel free to implement the kind of changes I know I've needed in my life for a long time, the only difference being that I don't feel the obligation to bring a whole gang along with me. I am a solo act when it comes to working on my sanity, happiness, quest for knowledge, peace, excitement and wholeness. I'm getting older. I want to get old. I want to be around to see my son's many achievements... be a grandmother to his children... be a pillar in his time of need as an adult... to still say funny and raunchy things at times that will earn me the label "bawdy old broad!" Whether I have financial success or success in my chosen artistic field - at the end of the day, before it all fades to black, I need to know that I made this a good run. And so it begins (or "began" about two months ago), and I, therefore, offer a belated "On your mark...set...go!"

Photo courtesy of the Digital Photography School

Self Preservation

2011-03-26T12:31:00.000-04:00

I wrote the first draft of this post 2 months ago, and now finally have the guts, and the am free enough now, to share it:

January, 2011
I have been contemplating something very heavy for the past couple of days, at least consciously (sub-consciously, I think this was something that I had wanted to do for a very long time but I didn't fully comprehend exactly what "this" was).

I learned a lot growing up, especially from my mother, and all of those things have shaped who I am today for better or for worse. Growing up the oldest of seven... just remembering all that I did to "help out" exhausts me to this day. I look at my son, who is about to turn 10 years old next month, and compare the responsibilities that he has versus what I had at that age and I am amazed that I am not in a mental institution or hate the world or something like that. I cooked, I cleaned, I took care of kids, I disciplined, I slept with one eye open whenever my mom worked the overnight shift, I made Sunday breakfast even though people would complain that my pancakes weren't as thin as mommy's. I knew about the bills- which were being paid and which weren't. I knew about the frustration my mom was dealing with as an adult and a parent. I knew about the drugs my father took and the other women. I knew that my father had a big job and a big position as director of a few group homes for teens, but he didn't share any of his money or pay any bills, which is why my mom would get on the cheese line often instead of being able to raise us in an actual house.

Did I also mention that for a majority of my childhood I actually lived in a two-parent household?

Did I mention that my father finally kicked my mom, me and my 5 siblings (at the time) out of the apartment we'd lived in for 11 years and kept the dog?

Honestly, just listing those few things alone exhaust me, but I have to ask, "is it a wonder that I am 35 years old and never married? Single parent? Still swimming in issues of self worth?"

See, I was the good girl. The one who took care of everything. The one you didn't have to worry about. The one who - despite objections - would fix everything. I'm surprised my nickname isn't The Fixer. And even though I left home at 15 (got a scholarship to a prestigious boarding school), took care of myself financially since then, but was still be there to write a check for whatever anyone wanted,and be 'bad cop' to my mom's 'good cop' in the parenting area- what about what I needed? Apparently that has never been important, well, with me being 'the oldest of now 7, who fixed things.'

To this day I have to remind people that I have 1 child. To this day I was still holding out hope, ready and willing to help any of my immediate family members who were ready for my support should they decide to finally do something opposite from the 'nothing' that they'd been doing. To this day I still keep getting screwed over by those same people who are supposed to be there for me the way I'd been there for them most of my life.

In the Summer of 2009, I was in a car accident (I was not at fault -- I was hit). My child was in the car. Car (which is names Kyle Reese) was almost totaled. And we were driving through Virginia, en route to New York after coming from my grandfather's funeral in North Carolina. My father - who had disowned me when I was fifteen - drove right pass the accident (for a minute I thought I was dead because it was just too coincidental to see him on the same road at that time). Sometimes I wonder if God jokes around on folks, but I swallowed that because my father and I hadn't spoken with each other since I was 15 and he decided to fight me like a dude because he "thought" I didn't say hello to him one day - TRUE STORY, June 28, 1995. And when I finally got home, back in NY, after taking my son to the emergency room just in case he was injured, after a now 12 hour drive... my mom didn't call me. She called and spoke to my brother (who was in the car that hit me), but she didn't call me. Why? Well, I found out when I finally called and asked her - that it was because she "heard I was all right." About a week later I had an emotional breakdown finally, because it'd really hit me: right after the accident all I cared about was if my child and the other passenger in the car was ok, and how I was responsible for getting them back to NY safely. Forget the fact that I drove through VA, MD, NJ and NY with a hood that looked like an accordion. Forget that my car was the only car in the 3 car accident that looked like it got the snot beat out of it. Forget that I had just come from a very emotional event. I had to make sure everyone was all right - and there is nothing wrong with that. What is wrong is when other people - my own family, my own momma - don't care if I'm all right.

It's been about a year and a half since the accident, and a lot of drama has happened over recent weeks. Apparently, I wasn't supposed to ask my sister's and my mom why my brother's mistress was hanging out at their apartment. And now interestingly, I have been silently shunned. I say silently because no one has said anything to me directly - and I'm all about the direct approach - but when your little sister un-friends you on Facebook... "Houston, we have a problem!" When your brother yells that you and your sister (the sibling after me) are "bougie" and we need to fuck off (forget the fact that I'd not had a conversation with this dude in years), AND your mom witnesses this, and says NOTHING... (this bears repeating: "dot-dot-dot").

Look, I'm gonna stop with the bullshit that I hate and just accept the fact that I have to make the phone call (if they actually answer the phone when I call) and tell everyone to lose my number. I recently told a friend that it makes no sense for someone with such a huge family to be so alone. There really isn't. This type of thing has been going on for so much of my life, and now I've finally had an epiphany. I realized that I have to stop the madness. I have to cut the bad part off. I have to say to everyone - I'm done. Because I am not ready to give away my happiness any longer. It makes me really sad to have come to this conclusion, but there is a sense of relief as well. I'm really interested to see how I play this out.

Working My Way Back

2011-03-06T00:47:00.000-05:00

I'm the kind of person who, when I get into a funk, I hibernate. I am not one of these "misery loves company" people, and when I am going thru 'it" I fall back and work on getting my shyt together as opposed to infecting everyone else's aura with my bad/lost/depressed moods.

Well, I feel like I'm working my way back to the me that I know and love. I attribute exhaustion - physical and emotional - with my temporary breakdown. All of a sudden, things that didn't bother me before drove me nuts. Actually, to clarify: I allowed things that didn't bother me before to drive me crazy. It was like my tolerance level for all things annoying was non-existent. For a minute I went into the 'woe is me' 'why me' 'what did I do in a former life' detour that had me feeling like Charlie Brown constantly going to kick the ball and having it pulled from my path leaving me lying on my ass. I couldn't leave the apartment on time in the morning, I was constantly looking for my keys, a day would pass and I would remember that I hadn't eaten, anxiety was keeping me up until 1, then 2, then 3, then 4 am - every day. People weren't fulfilling their responsibilities which affected my home. I believed the job was trying to kill me (or at least get me thrown in prison) - I actually still believe this but I refuse to give them the satisfaction (stubbornness can actually be a good thing!). I basically allowed everything in life to spin me around in a circle until I was so dizzy I could not see straight.

Well, the Mama Bear has woken from hibernation and is in the process of stretching out my kinks before getting back to work! I won't go into too much detail right now - simply because the transformation process that I have experienced in the past month was so nuanced and massive that I don't want to do it an injustice by glossing over it, but I will get into it at a later date. What I did want to talk about was a change encounter with a stranger.

I was standing outside of a huge Botanica that I had just exited. When I went in I grabbed a basket and wanted to purchase all of these "things" and realized after 10 minutes that I didn't really need anything because I'd had supplies at home already. So, I put the basket back and leave the store, but I stop when I see a window display that I had never noticed before. It was a display of talismans and amulets. I looked at them, proceeded to walk away, but came back, staring, reading the meanings behind all of the 35+ talismans on display in the window. I eyeball one that I keep coming back to, but tell myself not to make snap judgments just because I recently emerged from the fog of crippling depression (I would say I've only simply stepped out of the door of the house of depression, and have yet to walk down the steps and down the street from it so this is still a very fragile time, BUT I feel like that 1 year old who just knows she's going to walk all on her own today!).

Anyway, I stare at the display, and I notice a woman in my peripheral vision heading to and walking into the store. She had a very striking and complimentary blond braided do, and she walked with something about her that made me say to myself that she is wounded right now, but knows stuff (don't ask me why). She sees me staring hard at the display and says "I never noticed those before!" and then our conversation began. I responded, "Me either - they have so much here, I can't stop looking" and then I notice a tear slowly falling from her left eye and down her face, but she still looked determined and knowing. In the conversation we through out hints of things that we were going through as we talked about the talisman's. She tells me that she is tired of repeating the same mistakes over and over, I tell her that when she is ready in her core to change those behaviors, she will, it will come... she tells me that she has things, but it's not what she wants.... I tell her that I had an epiphany just yesterday, a voice said to me "stop trying to get what don't want to be got".... we hi-five each other.... she tells me that she's on a mission to do the work she needs... I tell her about a book that I just finished yesterday and recommend it to her.... she just heard about the book the day before on Oprah.... I tell her it is worth the purchase - I read it in a week.... she tells me that she thinks we were supposed to run into each other and have this conversation.... I agree.... we grab hands as we continue to talk, now finishing each other's sentences because we are in SYNC! I wish the sister well, and she does me. I leave the window display, needing to pick my kid up from his school interview, but knowing that I will be coming back to get the talisman that has grabbed my soul, and so elated to have encountered who I believe to be a guardian angel.

I get my son, come back to the store and stare at the display again. My son says I want one too - I need something more. I know what he means. I made my decision on what I'm purchasing so we concentrate on what we're going to get for him. It's an interesting exchange because he usually rolls his eyes at the thought of going into the Botanica, but there is something different about the both of us today. I feel like there will be movement. We choose his talisman, go inside, purchase them and leave. As we walk down the street my son says "I feel so much better." I ask "What do you mean?" He responds, "There was something about going in there... I feel like I can breath now, I feel lighter, better." I say in my mind, "That's exactly how I've been feeling this week baby... finally."

Hair Growth: Update

2011-03-01T23:18:00.000-05:00

Here's a look at where I was a little over a month ago (silly me deleted an update photo from February - I'll take another one this month)

I will start posting the various styles I do as well!

My favorite recipes: Body Buttercream

2011-01-08T21:50:00.000-05:00

This winter air has been foe to my skin and hair, so like the hair butter that I make to moisturize mine and my son's hair, I did something similar for our skin.

My son has eczema, so this winter air definitely has the potential to instigate more dry patches. Up until this time, he'd been using an Aloe and Shea based body butter that I had made specifically for his condition because I felt that the cream that his doctor prescribed was not effective. My son hadn't had an eczema breakout since he started using what we called "Aloe Butter", that is until the winter air really hit home, so I purchased some products that were good for the skin and decided to adjust the recipe of the Aloe Butter as well as incorporate some oils that I'd used in the Oil Cleansing Method, to make a stronger and more effective product. Here is my recipe.

2 cups raw shea butter
1 tbsp castor oil
2 tbsp aloe vera jelly
1tbsp sweet almond oil
10 drops lavender essential oil
10 drops geranium essential oil
70 drops tea tree essential oil

Mix all of these ingredients together using an electric hand mixer, and you have yourself a strong moisturizer that you can use on your body right after you get out of the shower and pat yourself dry (the standard method for locking in moisture to the skin) as well as a face moisturizer that can also help with acne, hyper-pigmentation and dryness.

Acknowledging Failure

2011-01-01T21:31:00.000-05:00

Even though the new year has just hit and I was all celebratory, drinking my lemon juice spritzer (I'm 'cleansing' this weekend so no alcohol for me) and singing along with Frank Sinatra's New York, New York, my son and I watching Dick Clark and Ryan Seacrest emcee the moment - reality hit me hard less than 10 hours later. Interestingly, once the ball drop my son immediately became a sour puss and it made me angry because that's how I used to be but I had worked so hard over the years to learn to see the glass as half full as opposed to half empty. And seeing the look on his face was like being smacked in the face with the ghost of Christmas past. When he wouldn't snap out of it I sent him to bed - I didn't want him killing my buzz, even if it was simply inspired by homemade lemonade and seltzer water. A half hour later I went to bed, and did not want to crawl out of the bed when the sun rays blasting through my blinds wouldn't leave me the heck alone.

I have spent most of the day - which I had very early on deemed my 'lazy day' - reading short romance novellas, scanning the internet for everything from Master Cleanse recipes to skin moisturizers to 2-strand twist hairstyles, and letting my son watch anything he wanted - including the unrated version of Old School. I finally rolled out of bed a few hours ago, brushed my teeth, slathered some shea butter on my dry skin (damn this Winter air) and trimmed some of my hair (I'll finish up tomorrow), and have come to conclusion that I am in a funk because I keep trying to pretend that my failures in life don't exist.

Know how I do that? Here is my go to line.... "hey, at least I'm alive!" It's a great line, and also a very true line, but I think I have been using that line as a band aid over the pain and disappointment that I feel toward myself when faced with acknowledging and NOT dealing with my failures. I make excuses where I try to inject a positive spin to. It's a cop out method that I have damn near perfected, but right now (I don't know about tomorrow, but right now), I want to be able to acknowledge my failures no matter how enormous or minor, for what they are, without making myself feel like the scum of the Earth. Is that even possible? Who knows, but I know that turning the other cheek to the things that I haven't done so well, or not done at all, isn't doing me any good, and I suspect, will not help me grow as a person. And it is this 'stuck on E at the worst truck stop in the universe' feeling that I have to move from.

New Year's Cleanse

2010-12-30T00:44:00.000-05:00

In my previous post I kind of went ballistic about gaining 10 lbs in less than 2 weeks, but as I was "expressing" how I was feeling, I recognized a couple of the reasons why this 10-pound abundance happened. First, I have to say that I have always been a slim woman with curves, so I have no problem admitting that I freaked out when I stepped on the scale a couple of hours ago because I have never been this weight when I was not pregnant (and I've only been pregnant once!). So, here's a list of things that I need to undo:

Not working out - I didn't work out for 2 weeks (although I did do a 20 minute Zumba workout 2 times in that time, but I was not consistent, so I consider it the equivalent of not doing anything during that time
Flu - for the past few weeks I'd been fighting something. I'd been sluggish, sleepy, thirsty, but not really hungry... just feeling all types of ickiness, but it did not hit me until the day before Christmas (and when I say it hit me, I mean, I had no voice and when it did come back I sounded like a dude)
Bread - damn you white flour! One would think the gallons of peppermint tea I ingested over the past week would have helped! Whenever I would eat, I ate cheesy biscuits. Was I hungry? No. But why did I eat them? Because I didn't want to go days without eating. What will I do next time? Not eat and lose weight like I usually do when I get sick! (hey, I'm not an expert so I hope no one was expecting me to be Dr. Oz here!)

Interestingly, I didn't drink any wine (but that has more to do with the fact that I was so freaking miserable, being unable to breath properly because of the flu and my asthma, the fever, and just sheer exhaustion).

So, what's the initial game plan you may or may not ask? Well, the night before day 1, prep night, starts with a cleansing (laxative) tea, so I can sort of start anew. Day 1 - 2: I will concentrate on getting the machine working properly by cleansing with the lemon juice drink that includes cayenne pepper and maple syrup. I used to drink this every morning as a diuretic, but I fell off, I admit it. My meals will consist of soups, health shakes (Lean Shake from GNC mixed with water, fiber, and including strawberries and/or bananas), and more of the lemon cleanse drink. And last but not least, ice water. According to Dr. Oz, ice water makes the body burn more calories because it has to warm the water, so I'll see if that's true. The main objective in these beginning stages, is for me not to feel so sluggish, especially since I'm over the worst part of the flu. After seeing how I feel after these next two days, I will report back and determine, bu then, how I would like to proceed.

I need to throw away my scale (after I lose 20lbs!)

2010-12-29T23:18:00.001-05:00

I've never been one who was a scale watcher. I've stayed in my lane, only flip flopping at + or - 5lbs for over 20 years. During my pregnancy 10 years ago, I gained 30lbs and immediately dropped 20 of them right after I popped that bad boy out, while the last 10lb took about 9 months to drop. I had to preface this post with that brief intro because I just stepped on the scale, after not doing that for at least a month, and if there was a point that read HELL NO, that's what the pointer would be directed. I normally don't shy away from just putting it all out there, but I won't even share what the scale read.

The past week I have noticed that the boobs have gotten a little bit fuller I know my frame has started to look a bit fuller as well - especially in the core vicinity - but I thought it was a part of the monthly routine of bloating for one week. Well, that week came and went and dammit if I'm not looking around wondering what the hell (I really want to say 'fuck') is going on.

Interestingly, before I got on the scale and got slapped in the face with the results, I'd decided that it was time for me to do a cleanse because I hadn't since the summer. I'm just getting over being ridiculously sick (lightbulb moment: I ate a lot of bread during those 5 days I've been sick - dammit! Biscuits and tea, for days. SHIT!!!!) That, not working out for 2 weeks, and the Chinese food the past 2 days has not helped. OK. So I know what I have to do. Will device a plan and post.

(BIG SIGH) Great! (insert sarcasm)

Hair Growth Progress: Update

2010-12-22T00:20:00.001-05:00

It's been a while since I've posted photos of my hair growth progress so here are a few that I have taken over the past four months. With the help of my homemade buttercream, protective styling (aka, my Aunt Jemima hair net and head band hair style aka laziness), this is where I'm at!

One thing that I had to do in this process is stop following all of the suggestions of so-called experts out there with regard to the care of my hair in it natural state. I've been natural since way before it was cool and in the process of ingesting so much more information from various sources, I started to become overwhelmed and paranoid about what I should and shouldn't be doing. With the exception of the few months right after my son was born, I have always had a whole lotta hair! And I had no problem growing it either. Since my high school years I was always cutting it to chin length for some reason, but I always knew it would grow fast because I was always cutting it. Now I want to go a different route, grow it out and just be. If the earlier photos of my journey this year is review, from back in May when I chopped it OFF, one can see that I have definitely come a long way in the past seven months!

Pics from the earlier part of my hair journey this year (May/ June comparison):

Next up, I have to start adding pics of styles I create.

Is it a Crime...

2010-12-21T23:03:00.000-05:00

...to be single?

Forgive me if I come across as a little annoyed, but when was it a crime to be OK with being single? When was the rule established that a woman needed to get herself into (and maintain) a relationship by any means necessary?

I'm not old, but I'm not young either and it has taken the entire decade of my 20s and half of my 30s to be OK with being alone. I'm not saying I don't get the occasional pang of loneliness, and I am not about to preach about not needing a man and all of that other pseudo-women's lib stuff that is shouted from the rooftops by women who are trying to overcompensate for not wanting to admit that they are a little lonely. This is simply my opinion on my own experiences, so here are the facts:

I think it would be nice to be in a "healthy" relationship
If I never got married (or maintained some kind of long term healthy relationship) I would be disappointed (in myself) but shit, life goes on and needs to be lived, not mourned
I have no freaking idea what it is like to be in a healthy relationship. I have not had much practice
Relationships are a lot of work, so I am actually more comfortable not having to do all of that work (although I would like to be inspired enough to do it for the man for me)
In my home I make the rules... I'm in charge. It's exhausting, but easier for me. I don't have to check with anyone else when making decisions (see, easy)
It may very well never happen for me, and it's not the fault of men, but me.
I like me, but clearly not sure if a man will like me enough to stick with me through the 'trials' part of a relationship
I don't know what I want, but I know what I don't want

That's not everything, but it's enough to share with the world, and for me, it's my truth. So I wonder, why is it that others feel they can impose their own ideas of where I should be in my life with regard to my relationship/ marital status, or lackthereof?

Recently went to a wedding, and with the exception of a specified color scheme, the theme was 'you're cool if you're in a relationship.' That made it very uncomfortable for the couples who I shared a table with because every little activity was for 'couples.' One couple even felt so bad for me that the wife suggested that her husband dance with me so I wouldn't feel left out of the festivities, lol! Never in my life have I ever felt paranoid about being dateless - until then. And the experience made me realize that I really need to think about rsvp'ing to weddings should I be asked to join such important festivities.

Also recently, I ended a "friendship" with a man. Knowing from the beginning that the sparks necessary for a real romance were absent, I made it clear that we could only be friends. Didn't work, and after being asked one too many times if I were seeing another man (even though I wasn't seeing this one), I decided that we couldn't even be friends (well, I could, but he couldn't) and I ended up having to cut off all communication as well as test my pepper spray just in case dude continued to express the "special" behavior I'd witness on the phone, via email and text, in person (as far as I'm concerned, there is absolutely no reason for him to be in my neighborhood, so if I see him around here, and I happen to be behind the wheel of my car, I'm running him over first and asking questions second). And in all the meelee, what does ole boy tell me? "You really need to stop pushing men away, we're not getting any younger and no one wants to be alone." That pissed me off because I wasn't pushing men away, I was pushing his crazy ass away, and if he'd checked out my list above, sure not many people want to be alone (myself included), but it's damn easy not having to answer to someone (like him).

I should be given a pat on the back for no longer putting myself in situations where I try to force something to work. I'm not wasting the time of a man who I have no passion for, and most importantly I'm not wasting mine. I'm not trying to change some man into what I want him to be, and I am way too set in my fundamental ways to change for someone else. For the dude who is right for me, none of this would even be an issue, but I clearly have not met that dude. So what does all of this mean? It means, I know myself probably better than I ever have. And if I know something isn't going to work for me, or I'm not going to work for it, why in the hell would I even bother? And what the hell is wrong with that? If you ask me... not a damn thing!

My Favorite Recipes: Buttercream Souffle

2010-12-21T22:26:00.000-05:00

I have been mixing concoctions for hair and beauty products for a very long time, and with this new 'natural hair movement' it's nice to be able to share with others some of the things that have worked for me over the years. Whenever someone would mention some sort of ailment or something or another, I was good for saying "you need to go to the health food store, or a fruit stand and buy A, B and C, mix in, boil it, stew it, whatever, and rub it on your elbow and in 2 days it'll be better" lol. So, here we go (as I recall more things, I will add them)

This recipe is my version of hair buttercream. I used to purchase Miss Jessie's products, but it was just too expensive to maintain, so I researched ingredients and over the years finally came up with a recipe that has worked wonders for my son's hair as well as my own. My son has a lot of hair but a couple of years ago it looked like his fro would not grow past 3 inches. I found this weird considering my hair was always thick and had some length. With my son's biracial heritage, I also had a hell of a time figuring out which products would work best for his curly dome (I was so grateful that his hair is closer to my texture that his father's because I wouldn't have known what the hell to do with fine wavy hair, lol!). So after years and many dollars spent searching for the right products, and a lot of trial and error, I made the perfect moisturizing and hair growth cream for him and eventually myself, so I present to you, Elijah's Hair Buttercream:

1 1/4 - 2 cups raw Shea butter (depending on the type of consistency you prefer)
3 tbsp Aloe Vera juice or gel
4 tbsp extra virgin olive oil
5 tbsp Castor oil (some folks prefer vegetable glycerin, but that stuff dries out my hair!)
1/6 cup or 3 tbsp sweet almond oil
1/6 cup or 3 tbsp jojoba oil
1/6 cup or 3 tbsp coconut oil
2 tbsp melted cocoa butter
20 drops tea tree essential oil
20 drops rosemary essential oil
2 tbsp honey

Mix ingredients with an electronic hand mixer and there you go. This recipe makes about 20 oz. of buttercream which I usually split and store in old hair conditioner containers. The recipe was originally used simply as a hair moisturizer, but I soon began applying it lightly to my son's scalp when he decided he wanted to grow his hair out, and within a month he had an additional 2 inches of hair growth. I also used this buttercream on my scalp after I big chopped in the beginning of May and have since regrown the 5 inches of hair that I cut off 6 months ago.

With the winter here, and the super dry air, I am trying to think of ways to improve on the recipe. When I do I'll keep the cyber world out there posted.

Taking Flight

2010-12-04T19:02:00.000-05:00

Life is pretty decent. Hey, I'm actually alive, which is one of the bigger blessings of all, but I have to take a moment to kick myself for not living to my highest potential. Interestingly, I got on my son's case for not doing that very thing, and within 2 weeks he has already upped his game, so imagine how painful my own little epiphany was when I realized that I, in fact, have not been doing the very thing that I preach as a parent.

I am stuck in a rut career-wise. There is some truth to the fact that, in my attempt to change careers, it has been very difficult. Some employers simply don't understand that I person really can want change and I personally got tired of trying to get them to understand that what I had been doing all of these years simply is not working for me. And then I see people near and far from me who have gone out there are at least attempted at their dreams, and although I still dream in my mind, I don't think I have put much of anything into practice and have existed in the world of "getting by." Well, "getting by" ain't cutting it anymore. For the first time in my life I feel good about myself as a person - except for this one thing, so this is my lecture to myself to get up off my ass and do the damn thing because right about now I feel like I am all talk when it comes to the goals I set for myself so many years ago.

I know that there are challenges in my situation - a single parent, living check to check, no real physical support as well as this condition that I have to take care of everything (because I've been conditioned to ever since I was a kid). Then there are the health problems - which I think I am finally managing quite well. But this work situation is not cutting it for me at all. I am not fulfilled in any way shape or form, and while it would be easy to point the finger at those who sign my time sheet every week, it is all my fault. Actually, let me use a different word or words: this is all my doing (or lack of doing). Somewhere along the line I must have started to believe subconsciously that I am only worth just "getting by" and that simply is not true. I have so many talents that I do not exploit. Granted, I think I do have talents that serve me well in my current situation, I feel as though I am past the point in my growth as a human being where those talents are impressive anymore, specifically to myself. I have high expectations or myself, but this is not the case right now. Right now I simply have expectations that I am not actively meeting. I try, but I can try harder. I can try smarter. I can be more innovative, because for the most part, what's happening now is not working anymore. This way of life for me has expired and it basically time to buy some new milk.

This plateau that I find myself on was supposed to be a layover in a bigger journey, and yet I find myself still hanging at the terminal, sleeping in an uncomfortable seat with my bags still packed in a bag on wheels on a path that is supposed to lead somewhere, but I'm simply not moving. Well, it's time to move, so I'm oiling my joints and the creaky wheels of my bags because I'm ready to take flight. Question is, which terminal shall I head to? Stay tuned.

Advertures in Fitness-Land: 1

2010-11-28T17:56:00.004-05:00

I purchased 5 pound ankle/wrist weights today - yay!

I've always like physical fitness. My fitness history include my running days as a child, my dancer days in high school, followed by dabbling in a slew of fitness options: weight training, belly dancing, kick boxing, circuit training, yoga, pilates, strength training with exercise bands, balance ball, stepper, swimming, cycling, basically 'you name it.' Let me put it this way - I have a stand alone heavy bag in my living room and both boxing and heavy bag gloves... I don't play!

I never really worked out to lose weight until an attempt last year. I'm 5'4", 154lbs (I was 150 in high school) and fluctuated between wearing a size 8 - 11 over the years. Thing is people actually think I'm skinny, lol! Well, I'm not, but I'm not obese either. I fall in the Beyonce, Ashanti body-type range (and Ashanti, if you ever want to give away most if not all of your clothes, I'm right here sister, right here!). I have a body. The boobs aren't spilling out over my turtle necks or anything like that, but I look like a woman, and I love that. But I am getting older, and my metabolism will start to slow down, especially as my son gets older and starts doing even more for himself, so I figure I need to get my body on a path that will indicate how I live the rest of my life, however long that will be.

Last year I purchased the Wii and the Wii Fit software, including the balance board. I worked out 45 minutes to 1 1/2 hours daily from November to April, and I lost 2 friggin pounds. That, my friends, pissed me off. Even though I did feel stronger, I didn't lose any weight. As I mentioned earlier, I never really tried to lose weight, with the exception of the time period after I gave birth (and even then, the first 20 pounds disappeared in 2 days, and those last 10 pounds seem to take forever to melt away). Now I want to try something different, especially since the weight on me is acting differently. Now I have a little something going on in the ab area that doesn't include the idea of hand washing clothes there. And there is a little bit of a jiggle thing going on at various points on my body. So even though I still wear my clothes well, I know what is behind the curtain and, ummm, hell no!

So, I purchased some 5 lb ankle weights to add some more resistance when I workout on my mini stepper. My apartment isn't large, especially large enough to have a separate work out room, but it's like I need workout gear around me. Here's a list of the workout equipment I own (that I remember):

hand weights (2lb, 5lbs and 10lbs)
mini-stepper
exercise bands (various resistances - I LOVE these things)
balance ball
ankle weights
heavy bag with the appropriate boxing and heavy bad gloves
Pilates stretching band thingy (I don't remember the exact name)
Yoga mat, blocks and band
Jump rope (another great workout)
about 20 workout DVDs including a boxing workout with weighted gloves
Will Fit plus w/Balance board, as well as Gold's Cardio Gym workout
Upcoming: the Zumba workout for Wii (that should be coming in the mail this week)

And the interesting thing about this ridiculous list is I use it all! I love it, but I'm not manic - I don't look like some thick-neck-vein covered, steroid using health nut. Plus I'm a Gemini, I get bored easily so I need variety, but now I'm going to take things a step further. I'm going to attempt (this is my safe word, just in case I end up not doing this), to count calories burned - I am not disciplined enough to count the calories I ingest. Actually, it's not that I can't do that, I just don't want to! It takes the fun out of eating! Eating is supposed to be fun, not homework, so I choose to count calories burned, especially since I already exclude so many things from my diet anyway.

So, right now I am creating a profile on the SparkPeople website (check it out here)
I am just completing my profile, and at this time there are groups being recommended to me as a result of the goals I checked off in the process. I have chosen to enter the following groups:

30-somethings with 10-24 pounds to lose (my goal is 20 - I don't know about this, but we shall see)
New York Team
Parents of school-ages children (6-11 years old)
Women of Color Unite

I can also start my own team, but I am in no way an expert so I will hold off on that. Only if I see some long lasting results will I go that route because I am a big 'work in progress.' Right now, I'm off to do 30 minutes of cardio/strength (mini-stepper w/10lb ankle weights and intermittent bicep curls with exercise band). Anchor's away!

EDITED LATER: I did about 45 minutes on the stepper with the 10lb ankle weights, and I feel good but I need a freaking shiatsu massage! I'm not breathing like I'm a second away from an asthma attack, which is good, but I am sweating like a runaway slave (I never sweat in high school after 3 hours of daily dance practice, so this sweat thing on me is a bit unnerving). The competitive part of me wants to continue with a boxing workout (I feel like hitting something), but I'm going to stretch a bit and then stop because I never know if I'll end up having to roll out of bed tomorrow morning as opposed to just sitting up like a normal human being. I feel some ache in the lower back, but overall I feel good.

On the road to Ab-ville

2010-11-28T02:01:00.000-05:00

I'm gonna do it. I'm going to attempt to achieve an ab or two.

Really, the goal is to tone overall, but since it's known that any extra fat around the waist increases one's chances of having heart disease (and since I'm 10 years away from the heart attack that a doctor predicted for me because of my low red and white blood counts) I think it's past due to get a move one. Granted, I am in relative good shape (I do 10-15 minute strength and cardio before work, and I've started spending some time on my mini stepper - that reminds me, I have to create a workout playlist on my iPod), I also need to add a spiritual/ meditative aspect to this new goal of mine. And the end result that I hope to achieve is the absence of jiggle. Granted (there's that word again... I know), I have a pretty nice shape a.k.a. I look like a freaking woman and not a prepubescent boy, I want to build my strength and tone these curves. Hopefully incorporating meditation into the mix will not only enhance my physical strength, but my emotional stability as well, lol!

Anyway, once I figure out a true strategy I'll share it. Or maybe I'll just try different things and give my review of said workouts and relaxation methods. Either way, it's on, so bring it! (p.s. I'm a little scared, lol!)

Family is all Relative

2010-11-27T22:58:00.000-05:00

My son and I just spent the Thanksgiving holiday with the family of a friend of mine who I know from work, and the past few days just confirms what I've always believed, which is family is all relative.

To be welcomed into a family of people whom you've never met, and even better for me, to see my son embraced so lovingly (especially since he was a bit nervous beforehand) is something that any person would want and cherish should they be blessed to have such an experience. I have not necessarily given up on one day having the big family dinner with my own blood relatives, but I live in the hear and now and I am not going to waste my time holding my breath, or tricking myself into believing that I can break bread with a 10 ton pound gorilla in the room. And since I also have no desire to wallow in any type of self pity with regard to our 'family' situation, I will continue to go toward a place where love is being offered and where I can return it as well. Family is not supposed to keep score. Family is not supposed to vilify. Family is not supposed to take sides. Family is not supposed to ostracize as if we were in a high school cafeteria trying to figure out which table to sit at. Family does not always have to agree, but family is supposed to be about respect - in both directions. Non of this do as I say not as I do - grown ups should be held just as accountable for their actions as we do the children. Family is the one place where one should be within a hair's reach of "fair."'m still supposed to be one of the kids. Sure, with a bit more life experience, and maybe I should be setting some life examples for the others to be inspired by and maybe even follow to some degree, but I am still one of the kids. I get tired of having to remind people of this Anyway, going off on a tangent, sitting under the hair dryer will 500 rollers in my hair, the heat is burning my neck a little and this blog entry has no real structure, but at the end of the day, it's all in the title. You can't choose your family, but actually you can :)

Getting SexyBack!

2010-11-25T00:19:00.001-05:00

Ok, I never really had 'sexy' in the first place, but I think ya'll know what I mean.

My sister has inspired me, as she is going through some major transition in her life, to find and acquire her 'sexy.' Let me explain. My sister and I were raised during a time in my mom's life when we were taught to take care of things. It was like going to independent college during my entire childhood - this while other girls' moms were priming them for things like 'marriage' and the notion of being taken care of. Me being the oldest of 7 to parents who had me at ages 18 and 19 respectively, I think we all see where this is going. I did a lot of taking care of people. It is literally in my blood to take care of something or someone...except myself, lol! My sister was no slouch in the 'taking care of business' business as well, and so we kinda just automatically handle things. On a totally superficial level, my sis doesn't really have to put as much effort into achieving her sexy as I do - real talk - but as we are both moms, I totally understand how working women in our positions just go into autopilot when it comes to ourselves. So, for a couple of months she's been on her 'getting my sexy on' kick, and I hear that. And it just hit me - where is my sexy? Did I ever have it? Can I achieve it? What are the steps? Is there a book out there? A website? A guru? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller?

So, since I am the perpetually single, younger, thinner Aunt Jemima self, I propose the possibility of setting out on a journey to get my SexyBack (I'm gonna pretend that at some point in my life I actually had sexy and just lost it on the side of the road somewhere!). And I'm gonna compose my own syllabus to achieve this goal (please note, this syllabus is a work in progress).

Steps for me to get my SexyBack:

Work out more. I actually work out pretty moderately, but I have no qualms about going a week or two without lifting a finger. Even if it's so much as walking on my stepper contraption while watching TV, I have to keep going. It's good for my muscles, good for my heart, and good for my asthma, especially with the weather change that we're experiencing right now. Plus, ain't nothing sexy about a chick who's out of breath and she didn't just finish doing to do - ya know!
The old island woman hair has to go during the work week. This is a difficult one for me because I have learned that there actually is a positive to being a little lazy, lol! Being lazy has allowed for my hair to just grow wild. The lack of manipulation has been great - especially since I had a Britney moment back in May and chopped off my hair (I have since regained the length that I shed all those months ago). Thing is, this headband and hairnet thing - although cute and less time consuming, is not sexy. But I offer myself a compromise - I will use more hair accessories, because I am really not feeling the whole being late for work because my hair won't cooperate (and I damn sure ain't waking up earlier just to do some hair! This ain't Easter Sunday, shyyyyytttt!).
Clothing. Ugh, clothing. Here's the deal. I definitely downsized since the move a few months ago (and that was totally necessary), but now I have to start replacing pieces. Regarding the physique, do I think I could be more toned - of course. But for the most part, I am definitely digging the body on this 35 year old! Now how do I jazz it up without looking like the old lady trying to look like a 20 year old? I'm thinking more tailored clothing, especially tops. I wear the hell out of a skirt so I just have to get more skirts. More pants suits - I have the ability to rock those too. And smaller t-shirts (still trying to figure out why I have a bunch of -shirts that are so big I can fit 2 of me in them).
Teeth. I have nice teeth, even though I have a small gap in the middle, but I have had serious teeth-envy ever since I saw Bruno Mars' teeth. They are un-freaking-real!

State of mind. TBD. I seriously don't even know how to 'think' sexy. If it has anything to do with just being comfortable with oneself, then I think I'm on the right track, but I see chicks who exude it, they do some weird shit with their eyes and lips and cheeks and whatever else - they throw the kitchen sink at MFs. I don't know how to do that (and still not sure that I want to - refer back to the fear of being an old lady trying to be a 20 year old).

I know there's a lot more to add to my list, but I'm gonna let these first items marinate for a moment. Damn, I have a lot of work to do.

If his dad were here, would he be acting right?

2010-11-17T19:18:00.001-05:00

I'm going to do something that I would normally advise against, and that is blogging when one is very, very pissed off.

My son is not Damien from the Omen movies - just to get that out of the way- but he is a boy who does stupid shit sometimes. He is a boy who doesn't listen sometimes. And he is a boy who, despite who his mama is (and many who know his mama know that if they were her child they would not screw with her chi), knows that when he screws up royally that I will be up his ass like an alien probe. Yet the boy continues to do what I have classified as "stupid shit."

My boy is in the top 10% of his school, although this most recent report card would not reflect that. My boy is already intelligent beyond his years and will very well surpass anything that I have ever achieved - if he doesn't continue on this lazy path. Off a tangent now: I am not one of these mothers who will get on camera talking about how good their boy is even though he's spent countless years in Juvie halls, and has a knack for robbing old ladies - not ME! My ass would be on television talking about how he better be glad the authorities got to him before I did. Back on topic: my boy knows better. But apparently that don't mean a damn thing when you're living the life of being a non-rent paying, live off they momma, Nintendo DS, own TV and DVD player in the room having unemployed little person. So check this - TV and DVD player is packed up along with those ridiculous fucking Pokemon cards, Transformer toys and other BULLSHIT that I only purchased if they were on sale. Keep things out of my path literally or else I'm liable to kick the shit across the room. I am on a WAR PATH.

My boy isn't robbing folks or hot wiring cars at this point in time and I would like to keep it that way, which is why my foot is always a centimeter near his ass just in case shit happens. And I was real good today. I didn't beat him down 1980s style...I took his shit away... actually my shit. So now I have a DS and another TV and DVD player and a shit load of Pokemon cards that I can make bank off of it I hit the internet.

But the messed up thing out of all of this is for the first time in his 9 years and 9 months on this Earth I wondered, "if his dad were here, would he be acting right?" And the fact that I would even go there makes me even angrier than the stupid shit he's been doing.

When I think of the relationship between a parent and child I always think of the scene between Sydney Poitier and the gentleman who portrayed his dad in Guess Who's Coming to Dinner and the argument they had in a private room. The speech Poitier gave his pretend-dad was so freaking poignant - he said "you were supposed to do those things (this, when daddy wanted to lay a guilt trip on his son in an effort to sway his son's desire to marry a woman who happened to be white). I am supposed to put a roof over my child's head. I'm supposed to feed him. I'm supposed to clothe him. I'm supposed to offer moral support. AND. I'm supposed to kick his ass when he ain't acting right. But then again I wonder - if his dad were here, would he be acting right.

Sure, this year I gave him the PC explanation about how his dad's absence has nothing to do with him, and everything to do with me (long story short: it was OK for an Italian dude to screw his black momma, but it wasn't ok for her to get pregnant and have the baby). By the way, I was cornered when asked by the little one "Was I a mistake?" Shit, I get it. My own dad was so horrible, we ended up calling him "Mister" - like from The Color Purple, so I freaking get it... but give me a freaking break. SHIT! I'm not a crackhead. I'm not an absentee mom. I'm not a stupid mom. I'm involved - hell I freaking assistant-coached Little League for 2 freaking years! I'm a fucking cool ass, hard ass, keep it real, rub your back when it hurts, prop you up no matter how tired I am MOM... and we gotta go thru ridiculous BS that affects the grades and behavior write ups over some BS?????? CHILD, PLEASE!

(P.S. - I DON'T THINK SO! Not on my watch)

I would like to apologize for such a foul-language laced rant, uhh, excuse me: blog entry.

Taking Myself to the Pawn Shop

2010-11-14T21:43:00.000-05:00

I'm watching part 2 of Oprah's show that has an audience of 200 men who are victims of sexual abuse, and I've been going through what I will call an emotional boat ride (just a little bit of up and down on the waves) because I have been trying to find the words to explain how I feel about where I am at this point in my life. I too am a victim of sexual abuse, and had the misfortune of finding out that something similar has happened to my own child, so it could have been easier all of these years to continue coping with what has happened, as opposed to healing and hopefully growing and learning. But, to get back on topic, I recently found myself trying to offer a good explanation whenever I've been asked "how are you?", and it finally hit me as I was watching part 2 of these special Oprah episodes...

I am past the point of trying to prove to anyone that I am worth something BECAUSE I already know that I am - FINALLY (dammit!). And it's not to say that I don't and won't have my bad days, but there is something in me that knows that when I go through those moods, it is only a slight detour off the road of where I'm really headed.

That's it.

The Cyclical Discussion of Blaming Single Mothers for being Single Mothers

2010-11-09T16:21:00.001-05:00

I know the title is a mouthful, but it is what it is. I was on Essence.com, and read an article about the 72 percent unwed black mothers statistic and thought, geez, another article on why I'm a fuck up. Granted, this particular article wasn't as inflammatory as some others that I have read in the past, it just irritated me be being force-fed a fate for myself and my child that has not happened yet.

Apparently my son is more likely to end up in prison, perform poorly in school, use drugs, be poor as an adult and have his own children out of wedlock. Great. Thanks. As if I didn't have anything else to worry about on top of finding a sitter to watch my kid after 6pm versus letting a 9 year old come home and stay in the apartment for the few hours before I return home from work. I suppose having a husband would alleviate those problems huh? (I should note that I am not against marriage. A majority of my friends are in loving marriages as I type, however I must also note that I am in my mid-30s and never been on the receiving end of the love that I have bestowed to some of the men in my past. My problem, my issue of course, understood. But end of the world? Really?)

Basically I'm trying to look at this from a practical standpoint. Remember those friends of mine who are in loving marriages... well the shit is hard too (even more so when I think about the fact that any decision has to be compromised with another adult). The scheduling, the getting everything done in a timely manner, the career (since it's damn near mandatory to live in a 2-paycheck home in this economy), the loans (mortgage and college), establishing savings (for retirement, your child's education, your own if you want to continue your education), etc.

Basically (there's that word again), the grass isn't greener on either side, with brown patches sprinkled every couple of feet, so instead of articles constantly being written about how much I done screwed up for getting knocked up, how about some encouragement? How about people - who decide to give their unsolicited opinion regarding my boy's deadbeat daddy with that 'how could you' look in their eyes step off? What about the fact that my son's dad isn't even black (that stumps a lotta people when they find this out) - oh, you thought that us unwed, single black women only got knocked up by rolling stone black man? I experience verbal diarrhea on purpose to show that this "issue" is neither black or white. Because my boy, he's a good student for the most part. My boy is respectful, and if I even sense that he isn't behaving appropriately he gets a raised eyebrow and he corrects his behavior immediately. My boy is still in that 'girls are yucky' state so I can't comment on whether he will be sprinkling his seed (I hate the use of that word - seed - by the way) and be a repeat of the absentee Y chromosome that helped create him. My boy doesn't like to spend his money (mine, well he's cool with that, until I give him the aforementioned 'eyebrow' again), because I gave him a nice little lesson when he wanted to purchase every toy in Target - I asked him how much of his saved money was he willing to spend in order to get those toys. He cried, thought about it, cried some more, and left Target- toy-less. My boy is my boy and even though I know I cannot teach him how to be a man, I can teach him how to be a good person. Is he being short changed? In some ways, yes. But what am I supposed to do then, sit back and let him raise himself? (I would think that those are the kids who are likely to end up in prison and use drugs)

I also share all of this to say that my son is not the exception. I believe he is one of many- many of whom I know. And I figure if there are statistics out there ready of willing to show me how much I'm a fuck up for having an unplanned child out of wedlock, there have got to be some statistics out there that show that despite the absence of a two-parent childhood, one can rise about that and go beyond even one's own expectations... right President Obama?

Inspiration in the most unlikely of places...

2010-11-08T00:58:00.001-05:00

... yep, I can't believe I'm about to admit this myself, but I was inspired by something that I saw on (clearing my throat): B-E-(friggin)-T.

Now I will admit that I did not see this live, but I received a link to a performance to my Twitter handle for a performance of Four Women, the powerful song by Nina Simone. I have been acquainted with this song for I don't even know how long, and my love for the spirit and passion and voice of Nina Simone is borderline obsessive so I really wasn't expecting anyone in the current generation of music to give a damn about her music much less perform it the way it's supposed to be performed. But then I was surprised, not so much by these performers, who I have been a fan of for many years (I'm talking Kelly Price, Marsha Ambrosius, Jill Scott and Ledisi - this woman's voice gives me chills all the time!), but by BET who, if they had their own button on my remote control, well the button would have dust on it because... well, that's a whole other post. Anyway, I share this with the 3 people out there who read my ramblings, lol, and I hope you enjoy. I was feeling real low today, and this somehow lifted my spirits.

BET Videos

I hate romance novels

2010-11-05T23:42:00.000-04:00

I will admit, I had a lot of them, which means I've read a lot of them, but my affinity for them was always cyclical - I would read 2 books in a week for months, and then go months without reading any of them. Why? Because I would always get to the point where I would feel like stir fried shit before I even finished the epilogue.

Don't get me wrong - I love that people have love, fall in love, etc, etc. Heck, I'm even going to a wedding tomorrow, and I love those (I love seeing my friends share their bliss with the rest of us out there). But sometimes I get into a funk. It's not jealously, because I'm gonna be real frank - I wouldn't know what to do with it if I had it, and even proclaimed to a friend of mine recently that I'm not equipped to be any man's wife (to which she immediately accused me of copping out, and to which I didn't deny), although I welcome being pleasantly surprised.

I guess I write all of this now, so late in the day (after having these thoughts marinate in my head all day) because I'm hoping that admitting that I am a mess when it comes to 'love' will somehow help me release that very deficiency into the universe and thus allow me to feel open and free enough to welcome said affliction. Either that, or I'm nervous about attending another wedding dateless and knowing that all of the people who I already know are attending are attending with their significant others and I'm not looking forward to the "now we have to get you married" comments... or maybe it's just the sangria talking.

Who knows. But what I do know is that romance novels are hazardous to my health. Arriba, arriba!

Mean Girls... whatever

2010-11-05T13:13:00.001-04:00

I just had to post/ rant about this.

I am 35 years old. I'm a mom. I'm well educated. I work. I pay my bills. I do my thing just like millions of other folks out there maneuvering in a country full of economic and political upheaval, i.e. Important shit. So why did a supposedly 'grown woman' feel the need to make fun of my hair yesterday? (lol and smh)

I was at a middle school orientation with my son. We were broken down into groups for a tour and there was an interracial couple (the woman is Latina and the man Afr. American, which is not a big deal to me at all having been in the same situation and now raising a biracial child, anyway...) in our group, with their son. All is well, and when the tour is over we all get into the elevator to leave, the couple is positioned right next to me. I gave a nod and a smile (we'd chatted a little bit during the tour) and set my sights on stopping off at Mickey D's before heading home. So then I hear the woman say to her man "Psst, look at her hair" and then she laughs. And my immediate response was 1-eyebrow raise, and then 2- "Really?"

First of all, these folks were about in my age range, if not older. Second, perdername chica, pero el pelo de tu esposo y tu hijo es mismo de mio (in my broken Spanish I wrote 'Excuse me, but the hair of your husband and your child is the same as mine), and third, uhh, how old are you? And fourth, 'screw you bia-tch because my hair is big and fabulous.

I found it really interesting that a grown woman would resort to that type of behavior as we were both at a school open house for our kids. And I also got irritated because there are still people who have an issue with big, curly, non-processed hair. I've said it before and I'll say it again - if my hair isn't grabbing small children, and as long as it's clean and there are no bugs hopping from my scalp to yours, step off (I actually wanted to write something a bit more vulgar, but I'm trying to live by example by taking the high road). What is it with woman being so critical of other women? I, personally, am so past all of that, but she instigated a flashback to those times when very few people (because a lot of kids were scared of me) bumped their heads on the kitchen sinks and came to school thinking that that day was a good day to f**k with me. (Note: despite the previous line, I really am a nice person - but I'm also from the Bronx! lol!)

Product Big Up!

2010-11-01T21:45:00.000-04:00

My name is Shak... and I am a recovering product junkie.

I didn't start out this way, but my hair is special in that it has split personality. Sometimes, it wants shea butter. Sometimes, it wants aloe. Sometimes, it wants to be blown straight. Sometimes it says "ahh fugg it, we just gonna curly up and chill!" As a result of such Sybil-like behavior I have had to sample various hair care and styling products over the years.

Now, I am not a big fan of straight hair. Even when I was younger and had my hair permed, I would always style it so that it was big to the point where it would defeat the purpose of getting my hair chemically straightened. So although I am a big: Cree Summer/ Freddie Different World Tracee Ellis Ross hair, there are times, when I feel like taming the beast.

Back in the day, I used to press with a curling iron, hot comb, flat iron, whatever. Now, I will use a hair dryer and maybe even roller set under a hood dryer. So one day I went into a hair supply store and ask for a little advice on how to blow out my hair to an almost press-like state without perming it, and La Senorita pointed me to this:

Pantene Extra Straight Comb-in-Cream (keeps hair straighter for up to 18 hours). Ok, so I used this thing a few times back when I was trying everything to change up my style. It was also at a point when my multiple personality hair was PMSing. Since I'd chopped off half my hair 6 months ago (and regained almost all of the length I cut back), my mop has been healthier than ever. I've adopted a less is more attitude about products and have even gotten rid of a bunch of stuff. I pressed my hair once in the past 6 months (and then immediately washed it out because I couldn't get with the flat hair look). I even stopped using a blow dryer over the summer months, and the times when I have used a dryer recently, it's been once a week and on a medium heat setting. So I got a lot of virgin hair on my head that been in protective styles - for the most part - for over 6 months. Well, this weekend I did a quick wet and set and wanted to stretch my curls out a bit without applying any heat, and I saw the bottle of Pantene. So I tried it. And. I LIKED IT! Now I'm in the second day of doing a braid set. Today was a little scary because I haven't worn my hair out in months and wasn't sure if it would cooperate or not, but with the absence of humidity, my curly set mop stayed in place for the most part, and has gotten me a bit excited about doing something different from my usual protective styling, so thank you Pantene Extra Straight comb-in-cream for hooking a sista up. Big ups!

The Movie "Diary of A Tired Black Man" (sigh)

2010-10-01T18:19:00.000-04:00

Oh. My. Gosh.
I am looking at this movie titled Diary of a Tired Black Man and Oh My Gosh! Pardon me, but I'm going to have to take a couple of deep breaths in between each paragraph I write - heck, maybe even every sentence.

OK, here I go. I happen to be flipping through the channels and fall on the channel with this film that I'd heard about many years ago. Usually I am a strong supporter of films by people of color, especially independent films, but I'd seen a few clips and figured I'd see if eventually and wasn't in a rush to purchase it.
If there were ever a place to find a whole lotta stereotypes, ding-ding-ding... here it is.

Personally, I hate getting into there 'men ain't shyt, 'women ain't shyt' arguments that's on every Steve Harvey Morning Show or monthly cover of Essense magazine, but I felt more than compelled to speak on this documentary/drama. The narrator/ director - Lord Have Mercy - apparently he is married with kids now but at the time he made this movie, well, I suspect he may have needed to talk to someone as well.

Well, here are some quotes or paraphrased statements by some of the participants

women need to seek help and they refuse to do it
"all men want is respect and peace"
"all black women have an anger problem"
An African dude says that most of the problems are with African American women ("they fight!"), and blames black women on why there is less marriage amongst us and why so many of the kids have problems.
"they mad just 'cause they can't get they way" (it's not grammatically correct, but that's what he said!
"women will wear your ass out!"
"women want a power struggle"
they test you just to see how you react (a dude did this to me, and I ignored his a$$)
"they trying to break you down."
"enough is never enough, no matter what you do"

And then some of the things the women said:

One chick says "there are no good black men out there" followed by "well, I haven't met any."
"a man is gonna do something to make a woman mad"

There were about 3 voices of reason (how generous of the filmmaker). One particular brother said that we cant hold all black women accountable for the bullshit that one black woman brings into their lives (interestingly, the filmmaker/ narrator tries to throw several scenarios to get this dude to change his tune and he doesn't, and for that I say THANK YOU BROTHER). I need to send him some flowers, because the majority of the people featured in this movie are miserable, are not to blame for anything that happens in their own lives, and according to them, black women are the devil. And the female "character" who "represents" all black women in this film... wow, umm, yeah, ok....(honestly, I wanted to slap the heifer myself, not because she was an angry black woman, but because she was a pain in the a$$).

So now I'm going to get subjective. I did not have the love of my father. I have never been in a healthy relationship, and I have tried. I even went so far - once, no, actually twice - as to compromise my needs in an effort to make it work, but that didn't last very long.

When I get to know a man I don't put on my interview voice, I'm just me. And while being me I have found that I'm the chick who doesn't show up at your job and act a 'fool for love' (I'm actually the chick who the other woman comes to her job to let me know that she has my man while he waits outside across the street, lol - which means I never really had him in the first place). The same dude used the excuse of me working so much (40 hrs a week) as the excuse to cheat (instead of just saying 'this ain't working out no more'). I was told by another ex, "we don't argue" (that was a complaint). Another walked out on me when I refused to get intimate minus him wearing a condom (literally walked out, like got dressed and left and didn't talk to me for 6 weeks). Another "friend" who was initially cool with our 'friends with benefits situation" got mad at me for not calling him everyday, and at one point proceeded to call my cell, my land line, text, and email me constantly until I answered.

Now, it would be so easy to allow these instances to taint my view of men, but I think I've taken the mature approach by looking at past experiences and accepting the real reasons why those situations didn't work out. It is what it is, and who knows where I would have ended up (or who I would have smothered with a pillow in his sleep) had I stuck those situations out. In the grand scheme of things, and at the end of the day my first goal was to like myself - flaws and all. And second, it is to get to the point where I am inspired enough to get pursue and work hard to stay in a healthy relationship. That hasn't happened yet - for various reasons - but my life isn't over yet. If it happens, great. If not, well, I'll just knit, lol! (And not watch this damn headache inducing movie again).

Tea Tree Oil

2010-09-28T12:53:00.000-04:00

Tea Tree oil is an antibacterial antiseptic that is a popular natural agent for curing all three types of infectious organisms: fungus, bacteria, and virus. Here are just a few things that Tea Tree oil treats:
acne, abscess, oily skin, blisters, sun burns, athlete's foot, warts, herpes, insect bites, rashes, dandruff and other minor wounds and irritations

Couple tea tree oil with pure Aloe Vera gel/ juice and you have a seriously powerful combination.

In my skin care regimen, I use a benzoyl peroxide based cleanser but I always follow up with pure tea tree oil (or a little recipe of 1/4 cup aloe vera, and 5 drops each of geranium and lavender oil each and 15 drops of tea tree oil). Whether hormonal or stress related, I go through periods when I have break outs and at first I panic, thinking I need to purchase the next best big thing off the pharmacy store shelves, but then I remember to keep it simple and go with what works - tea tree oil (and its compadre aloe). I have not gotten into the habit of using my concoctions daily instead as a preventative measure. It usually takes about a week or so for the infected skin to turn over (a very stressful week which requires a lot of patience because I want the effects to be immediately complete, lol!), but once my skin gets the nourishment that it needs, it looks and feels great. I just have to not fall off the wagon of this cleansing and treatment routine. Once I get back on the wagon I may be able cut the benzoyl peroxide cleanser from the regimen. I'm in no rush, but I'm on a 'less is more' kick.

Tea tree oil is also included in my hair oil and shea butter cream recipes. I big chopped in early May, and cut about an inch again a couple of weeks ago. When I first cut off all those inches back in May it was about getting my hair healthy again because of all the heat and styling damage. I didn't care about length then, but that is the focus of this next phase, as I work to really treat my scalp/ skin in the hopes of getting back the hair length that I sported growing up.

Is all of this vain? Maybe, but as someone who grew up battling acne and the scars it constantly left behind, having clear smooth skin is something that I never thought I could achieve without having to take very expensive medication. Let's call it one of my biggest wishes for myself. And as for my hair - I've always had a lot of hair, lol (my poor momma), and once I hit high school was always cutting it. Now I want to go back to that length, and just continue forward on that 'less is more' kick that I mentioned previously. Overall, my goal is to achieve a simpler way of life in as many aspects as possible, and incorporating tea tree oil into my beauty regimen has been tremendous!

Late Bloomer

2010-08-28T15:41:00.001-04:00

I had an epiphany (actually several) and I think I can officially say that I am on the dating scene.

Sure, I've had a couple of boyfriends in the past, and sure I've engaged in more than just "talking" since I am the mother of a 9 year old boy, but I don't think I ever really "dated." It's amazing how experiences from one's past are so powerful that they can affect one's future. And I think that at the age of 35 I finally got tired of relinquishing the power over who or what was going to shape my future.

Before, when it came to dating, for me it was all about finding a mate, a partner, someone to grow old with. And I'm not saying that idea isn't something that I would like to be a reality, but I had to pull back a bit and explore why I haven't been a 'dater' in the past. Luckily there were a few things that helped me to revise my thought process and approach when it comes to tangling with the opposite sex.

1. Reality checks kick ass! (in a good way!). Age, health, circumstances, personal and professional growth (or lack of) - all of these things made me stop and look at my situation as objectively as possible (luckily I'm pretty hard on myself so it's never difficult for me to realize and accept when I am doing something wrong, lol!).

2. Past experiences are today's lessons. Every time something doesn't go our way it's so easy to SAY that 'I'm never gonna do that again,' but DOING it is a whole other issue. I'd decided to question whether something that felt good at the moment would last, or was it just a temporary high? Was I being honest with myself because maybe it isn't good at all? Or, am I repeating past actions that did not lead me to a good place? As a result of asking myself those questions, I have found it easier to step away from situations that I knew deep down inside, would only lead to heartache for myself and others.

3. I really like me. I never hated myself, but I never thought I was extra special either. But despite all of my personal flaws, I really like me. I like my own company and think that anyone who is willing to enjoy life would enjoy my company as well.

4. Don't work on anyone but myself. I never was the kind of woman who wanted to change a man into what I wanted him to be (especially since I don't necessarily have a type). He either has to be someone who I want to be with, as is, or he just isn't the one (or the two, lol!). I don't want anyone telling me what I need to change about myself, so why would I be interested in being a hypocrite?

5. Let a man be the man. I am so used to taking care of everyone that I forgot that, at least in the types of relationships that I strive for, I have to allow myself to be taken care of as well. That, my friends, was one of the hardest things I've had to face thus far. My excuse has always been 'I'm used to no one doing anything for me' and I think that mindset has blinded me to situations where (maybe) there was someone who actually wanted to do something for me and I did not allow it. Maybe that has or hasn't happen, but I'm real and clear enough with myself to know and admit that although I like taking care of others, I had no clue as to how to allow someone to take care of me. But I'm learning. On a recent date I actually allowed the man to hold the door open for me each and every time we came to a door. That's big for me, because in my experience there were men who walked ahead of me, didn't even attempt to open a door for me, or if I held the door open for them - walk thru and not say a word of thanks, so for me, this truly is a big step (even though I had repeat in my head over and over again: "do not race him to the door!" lol!)

With those, and probably a few more, things in my arsenal, I am taking chances again on finding men who are interested in dating me (and vice versa of course). And when I say dating, I literally mean sharing experiences (outside of the bedroom) when we can enjoy ourselves and get to know each other at the same time. It's not about sex. It's not about love. And I am digging that big time. Finally, when I think about the dating world, I'm not asking myself what's wrong with me. I'm sure I'll have a "moment" or two (or more) down the line, but right now my eyes are on the prize. I am ready to have fun.

The Single Friend

2010-08-11T15:14:00.000-04:00

I'm at an age - in my mid 30s - where I find myself surrounded by friends, co-workers, family who are all either involved in long term relationships, including marriage, and I wonder when did life continue to be high school for me even as I got older.

I once attempted to take part in what I thought was a mature discussion on a blog about relationships and how bad girls and bad boys always have someone while the nice girl/guy was home alone. One poster felt the need to state that I couldn't have been all that lonely since I have a child. I ended the convo right there because unlike some people I know the difference between getting knocked up versus being loved... but that's a whole other discussion for another day.

Anyway, and I hate to do this or even admit that I am - but it just popped in my head. I wonder, when is my time going to come? I'm not completely unattractive - physically and emotionally - so what's the deal. There has to be something wrong with a woman who hasn't been in a semi-loving relationship in over a decade. And why am I not in love with those who show even a little bit of interest in me (old, nasty men way beyond their prime don't count). I keep telling myself several things like:

it's not over for you
you are a cool person
you look nice
you will find someone who moves you

And then I end right back at "just get over it" and knit more.

And don't get me wrong - I love that my son loves me, but I'm feeling a little greedy. I don't know a lot of things, but one thing I think I know for sure is that you can miss what you never had.

I hope one day this post will be words that I end up eating because I would like to be wrong about living a life while never being the object of a man's love. Anyway... whatever... random post... I'll get over it.

Can you be half turned on... and is that enough?

2010-08-05T20:41:00.000-04:00

'Expect the unexpected' is a statement that is true many times, especially when it comes to romance and sex and relationships (I believe these words are not synonymous by the way). A lot of times we may meet someone and have instant chemistry (even if that chemical reaction is one-sided), and other times we may meet someone and think they're cool, but not feel that spark that pushes you toward attraction, lust or love. But what about the times when there is something about someone that turns you on, but it's not the whole package? Is that enough?

I've had the experience of trying to force a relationship to work because I started to believe that a) I was too picky; b)no man would be interested in a single mother; c) I still wasn't attractive enough to land a man (moreso of the "I'm not walking around with my tits and ass hanging out" in the hopes of scoring a dude; d)I just wasn't meant for "all that" (my nickname for love and 'healthy' relationships). So when I met this one man, there was an interest (I think we both said all the things the other wanted to hear, but putting it into real practice seemed to be difficult for some of us - uh, not me, but anyway...), and I tried to make it work, but I knew that it was going no where. After that relationship ended, I detoxed from "all that" for about 4 years. And now I find myself standing at the same crossroads that has me asking 1) Can one be half turned on? and 2) Is it enough?

I already know the answer to number 2 - hell no it's not enough. I know that from experience. But the 'half-turned on" thing - I think the answer may be yes. I also know that trying to make a relationship out of being half turned out can only lead to massive heart ache either for myself or the gentleman. It's amazing how one person can see something and another person see something completely different, and yet still connect on so many other levels. Anyway, since I prefer to only watch repeats on television and not in real life, I'm going to have to walk away, but it's so unfair in general (to not be completely turned on by someone, to be on the receiving end of someone who isn't completely turned on by you, and for one of the parties to make the adult decision to cease and desist before drama ensues). I've never been one to have a line of dudes trying to get my attention so being in this position is weird - to walk away from opportunity - but I think it's growth to actually know when to step away. Life is indeed strange.

What I Luv...

2010-07-20T22:10:00.001-04:00

... I noticed that there hasn't been much "Luv" on Luv My Texture, and I thought I would take a moment to remind myself of the great things in life. I'll try to be brief, even though Yoda said "Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try".

I luv my remote control (though I have no problem getting up and actually changing the channel - as long as the TV works)
I luv peanut butter - alone, in ice cream, with jelly, as cookies
I luv cheesy romantic films.
I luv the Yankees.
I luv sleeping (if only I could get paid for it, "sleeping", not that other stuff that some people call "sleeping" - just to clarify!).

I luv my family, despite everything, I want them to be happy too.
I luv the work I do - even though I won't be paying off student loans for this particular career, I'm good at what I do because I enjoy it (it's the other bs that people like to bring into it.... ' I'm digressing' lol!)
I luv bags. I don't know why.
I luv hats too. I also don't know why.

I luv food. I luv to cook it, serve it, learn about it (I could never be anorexic because food is so darn good!)
I luv my toolbox (Home Depot, to me, is like Toys R Us to my son).

I luv men. Same as the bags and hats - I don't know why (that was a joke. I know why and it's private, lol!)
I luv music. I hear it when I write, when I walk, when I relax, when I'm upset. When I hear a piece of music, I choreograph to it in my head... which leads me to...

I luv dance. Don't know why I believed that a 5'4" dancer wouldn't make it professionally. I still luv it.
I luv to write. Haven't written as much as I used to, as much as I should... I know, I know...

I luv my son. I luv my son. I luv my son. Not that kind of luv where I want to suffocate him and stifle who he is, but the kind of luv where I want to do whatever I can to help him soar above any and everything. I luv his spirit. I luv his humor. I luv his compassion. I luv his inquisitiveness (most of the time). I luv that I can be silly with him and still be deemed cool. I luv that to him I'm a cool mom. I luv that he understands that I am tough and he luvs me anyway. I luv that we talk all the time. I luv that he makes me talk to him. I luv the way he sleeps (in his own bed!). I luv that the only thing I know for sure is that his presence in my life has made me a better person - even just a little bit.

Single. Mom. Me.

2010-07-19T20:00:00.000-04:00

I find myself thinking back to the mindset I was in when I learned I was pregnant 10 years ago. I was a couple of years into my career, finally living the kind of freedom that I didn't have growing up being the oldest of 7 and then working full time and going to school full time (at the same time) and a baby was not on the agenda, but we were irresponsible by not using contraception, and I eventually ended up giving birth to a son. (I know the option of abortion was available, but I always said to myself that once I decided to become sexually active, I would take responsibility for whatever happens, and at that point, I just couldn't see myself getting an abortion. That was 10 years ago - who knows what I would do if the same thing happened to the older me).

When I told the 'father' about the pregnancy, all of that "we'll always be friends" thing went out the window. It was like I flipped a switch and this maniacal person appeared. Funny thing is, all I asked was "do you want to be involved in the child's life?" There was no "I-think-we-should-get-back-together-and-be-a-real-family" plea from me because we weren't in love (at one point I was in love and he never was, so there you go), and I couldn't even fathom being in a loveless marriage IF that was something that he would even agree to. But that never would have happened since it was then that I learned he already knew he was having a baby - with someone else (different story for a different day). And so it was then that will mark the beginning of the past 10 years where I still get the words "selfish," "bitch", or even "low-class" thrown at me -- but nothing will ever erase the words "I told you to get up on the table and have it yanked out of you" (an actual quote).

Going through a pregnancy alone is not something that I would wish on anyone, and I have a strong suspicion that I'm still not completely over it because I wasn't supposed to let something like that happen to me (naivete at its finest). BUT, today my son is a little straight-A brainiac like I was at that age, loves dinosaurs, is funny, and an all around great kid - if I were a kid, I would hang with him, so now I just pretend to be a kid so I can hang with him, lol! It was difficult - but despite all of this, I don't regret the outcome. I'm a good Mom - not perfect - and I love my son (and on a completely selfish note, he loves me!).

I put all of my energy into my son and not into myself - I've been told that's not a necessarily good thing, but I am still trying to figure out if I have learned anything all of these years that will help me to be a better person.
Everyday I ask 'why can't I just get everything to click into place?' And I never have an answer - at least not yet. All I do know is that I don't want to be asking myself the same questions 10 years from now, so I'm going to roll the dice again and continue to make a go at it until I get some answers.

There are so many other people out there in pain or just feeling a void that they want to fill, but I figure that - for all of us - the tide must change and progress must be had - it must, I insist. I don't know if that's courage or strength or arrogance, but it is hope.

Can Guys F*ck Hair?

2010-07-15T22:24:00.001-04:00

I have been wondering the answer to that particular question for at least a decade and a half. And I don't mean to be funny about it, but I legitimately want to know if guys can f*ck hair because over the years I have heard and seen some things!

I have heard of women with boyfriends who threaten to end the relationships if the woman either a) cut her hair to chin length, and/ or b)went natural. And then I think of the numerous pro-black, dashiki-wearing, Africa medallion slanging, loc-having guys I knew back in high school who would call a black girl in boarding school a sell out in a heart beat, but only dated girls with super silky straight, fine hair (no offense to my silky straight sisters out there - we all need love). And then there are the compliments I would get when I was younger, ONLY when my hair was pressed (and a side-eye when I wore my Freddie hair [an "A Different World"* reference for those of us over 35!]). Or the ex-boyfriend who would always tell me how he missed long ponytails like that of his Puerto Rican ex-girlfriend (don't worry, the first time he said those words I was already planning my escape!). Those are just a couple of a bucket full of 'situations' that I have witnessed, but I surely won't list them all.

I know there are foot and shoe fetishes, lingerie fetishes, heck, there's probably even armpit fetishes (there's just something about curling up under a guy in that armpit area that.... sorry, haven't had a date in years... anyway, lol!). There are also submissive fetishes with dudes wearing pampers and being spanked and sucking on pacifiers (hey, don't act like you never watched any of those HBO "Documentaries at 3 in the morning!)... all kinds of obsessions, but hair! Some dudes actually threaten to leave their women because of hair! Dudes, who I am sure have photos somewhere in a vault where they rocked the 'Gumby' hairstyle! Dudes who at one time or another, recreated - on a daily basis - the scene in Coming to America* when Darryl's parents and Grandmomma got up from the couch and left those three jherri curl juice stains on the couch!

Look, I know we all have physical preferences, and we have a right to have those preferences, but when you criticize and threaten the women that you supposedly love (?) about their hair - and she hasn't shaved everything but an Alfalfa (Little Rascals)* curl, stuck a piece of metal through her nose and started chanting in Dutch - I think we can call that behavior a little bit of an overreaction. So tell me guys, can you f*ck hair... and is it good for ya (just curious!),

*Sorry for including references to A Different World, Coming to America, and The Little Rascals, but there was nothing to draw from in today's current media!

Horrible Truths

2010-07-13T21:52:00.001-04:00

The term "horrible truth" can almost be looked at as an oxymoron. One word - horrible - has a completely negative connotation. When one thinks of "horrible" I would guess things like hurricanes and layoffs and losses and even death come to mind. But when one thinks of the word 'truth', one can easily assume that it is supposed to be a positive word because the 'truth' is supposed to set us free, right? And freedom is supposed to be the ultimate status, right? I think it's is a positive word, but that doesn't mean that 'the truth' always feels good. For instance, if someone is a bitch, and it's a truthful assessment of one's behavior, then that's a good thing, right (the assessment, not the bitchiness)? (As opposed to walking around BS'ing and saying that Sally is the nicest person in the world when really she's a heifer PMS'ing to the tenth power, 24-7.).

I think we are so protective of our feelings that more often than not, we want to force the truth to be positive just to make ourselves feel better. I used to be that way. It was my 'the glass is half full' force field. But why can't the glass be half full with the truth, even if it tells us something that we dont necessarily want to hear? Well, the new me just tries to take 'the truth' on the chin like a good (supposedly tough) Bronx girl. Doesn't mean it don't hurt (it hurts like hell - that kind of pain always surprises me), but I'd rather skip going through months (sometimes years) of denial - a failing effort all to avoid 'being real with oneself.' All the term 'horrible truth' means is 'this is the truth that you don't want to hear' and I got the message. It is what it is.

On another note, my son didn't like the after taste of the tzatziki sauce I made from scratch. Well, what does he expect - I'm not Greek, but if he wants some rice & beans, or a southern or Caribbean dish, I can hook him up. I'm good, but I'm not perfect, a fact proven every day!

Security

2010-07-11T19:00:00.001-04:00

A thought occurred to me today as I prepare to make some changes in my life. All anyone wants in life is a little security.

A kid wants the security of knowing that no matter what he or she does, his or her parents love them and has their back.

A tenant wants to get their darn security money back when they move out (and a landlord wants to hold onto that security "in case shit happens" -- quoting Chris Rock from one of his comedy specials).

An employer wants the security of knowing that even though they are in charge, they have a team working beneath them to make them look good (and then there are those who want reliable employees so they can go off for hours at a time knowing that the machine is still running very well without their presence!). Meanwhile, an employee wants to keep their job, benefits (if they have them), and (at a distant third) receive appreciation for giving 150% each day.

I'm guessing that men want the security of knowing that despite all that society, women, their children, etc, expect of them, that they are doing their best, and to not give up on them if something isn't done exactly the way someone else wants it (I'm guessing, because there are also those who want the security of knowing that they can go out and do whatever they want, damn the consequences, and still have a home and a hot meal to come back to - I'm guessing, lol!).

And then there are women who want the security of knowing that they are loved or appreciated for who they are without the various masks she wears in order to conquer a given situation. And that the love, respect, and support that she gives others will be returned in some way, shape, or form. It's a hope, not an expectation (but maybe it should be... who knows). For those women who are hoochies and users - I don't know what they want, and don't want to.

I write in circles to say that at the end of the day, everyone simply wants the security of knowing that some one or some thing in the universe has their back. Ya dig?

"When the lights go out...

2010-07-06T23:16:00.000-04:00

...we're all the same color!" I'm paraphrasing a line from an old episode of Martin where the guys were sitting around talking about interracial dating. Yes, yes, I'm going to chime in on this whole "Black women should date white men because there aren't enough good, straight, non-incarcerated, tall, muscular, educated, home-owning, chivalrous, six-figure earning, funny, goal-oriented, summer home owning, six-pack abs having, strong black men out there."

So here it goes... ready? Okay... Love who you fall in love with, and hopefully he will love you back in a way in which you could have never imagined. (Notice the absence of adjectives that lean toward the superficial. Also know that I'm not naive. We all have physical preferences that we seek in a mate, but as I told a friend just yesterday, also allow yourself to be open to the possibilities)

As a black woman who was involved with a white man, and had a child before this whole "movement" I will say that yes, there were a whole lotta people who were not happy, (and don't even get me started on the shit I had to go through having every stranger question whether my white looking baby was actually my son), but when I met "he who shall not be named" I honestly didn't know what the hell he was, and you know what - I didn't care. And that's what it's all about ladies. If you meet your guy, be more concerned about what kind of "man" he is, and not what color he is. You wouldn't want to hook up with a white man who all of a sudden proclaimed in every month's issue of GQ Magazine that "now I'm gonna date black women!"... right?

Love?

2010-07-04T18:45:00.003-04:00

I don't know why I am doing this while waiting for some 4th of July barbecue, but I am going to attempt to discuss "love" (with the disclaimer that I a not very good at this).

(ticking....ticking....ticking...)
Ok. So, this is what I think about romantic love.

It's being in the presence of your significant other and feeling easy breezy, even if things aren't necessarily so, because if there 's a problem between us two, even if we don't have the answer right away we will work together to figure it out.

It's wanting to take care of you 'honey' when they don't feel well. You want to take the day off, not answer the phone, not sleep a wink until you know that they are ok. When your sweetheart isn't at their best you want to build them up.

It's 'wanting' to take care of their every need, even if they don't need you to.

It's being able to sit in the same room in a comfortable silence. You can give your partner one look from across the room and the love is confirmed all over again.

It's about being able to express your feelings without feeling like you're giving your partner ammunition to throw back at you in a negative manner.

It's about when you are feeling your worst, and your partner being able to point out your best, just to remind you should you forget.

It's about giving to your partner (whether it's time, assistance, support, whatever) without keeping score.

It's about looking at your partner and thinking, 'my life is already great, and you make it better.'

It's about not feeling bad about giving so much of yourself because you are receiving just as much in return.

It's about being able to hug your partner and feel like you are HOME.

I am not an expert at this particular topic, and I haven't been in love in about 12 years (and that was unrequited), so maybe the things I listed is some outdated wish list of a girl and not the reality of a grown woman with a child. The one thing I think I know is that these listed things touch on some fundamental basics when it comes to relationships. I guess my justification for this list is, even though I ain't never had it, don't mean I don't know what it is! I don't know, but that's my story and I'm sticking to it (for now, lol)! It's not poetic and I can definitely write more eloquently, but my contacts are bothering me and my food is ready, so I'm out, for now!

Oh what a day... what a day, what a day!

2010-06-30T16:15:00.001-04:00

I had to quote Erykah Badu's "On and On" in my title because what a day it has been. Actually, what a "2 weeks." I lost my wallet, it delayed me submitting an application for an apartment that I really wanted, and of which I lost out on, the lock on my door broke and I ended up fixing it after 4 hours, I can't find a new apartment, and then this morning some butthead knocked my passenger side mirror OFF MY CAR. I repeat OFF MY CAR! I guess I should say it was nice of the culprit to put the mirror up on my car so no one would run over it, but the didn't even leave a note to say "my bad" or "I'll pay for it (or at least half of it)". Basically, I'm feeling like Charlie Brown, on the ground wondering why everyone keeps kicking me.

There is the 'glass is half full' part of me that believes that all of these little bad things will lead to one big good thing. We'll see. I believe it, but at one point I also believed in the existence of an actual boogey-man, so, we'll see.

Anyway, thinking of future posts and I will attempt to broach a topic that I am in no way, shape or form an expert in: love, romantic love specifically. Hey, Naomi Campbell can write a novel, I can write a blog post on about love.

Homemade Acne treatment with Essential Oils

2010-06-29T21:09:00.001-04:00

I have chronicled some of the plights I was having with my skin since I broke out a little over a month ago. The acne came back as well as the blemishes, and I was at a loss and trying not to get extra upset.

Well, I did some research and also realized that I needed to replace my fresh aloe more often. Another things that I am doing is incorporating more essential oils into my skin care routine. Sure, of course I've been doing the oil cleansing method, but I looked into other oils and found a recipe that I have only tried once, but I am liking already.

This recipe calls for 1/4 cup aloe gel (I used fresh aloe from the leaf), 10 drops each of geranium, tea tree and lavender oil.

I cleansed my face and used a mild exfoliate before steaming my pores with a hot wash cloth and applying the mixture to my face. Moments later my skin felt significantly cleansed and refreshed. My pores looked nourished and the texture of my skin looked and felt stronger. Since aloe had done such a great job with my skin in previous months, I will continue with this method in place of the oil cleansing method (which includes castor and extra virgin olive oil) and see what happens. With that method, the results were to be witnessed the next morning, but with this aloe/essential oil mixture, I saw and felt results right away. We'll see if this helps with the blemishes that have begun to reappear. Stay tuned!

Here's a quick overview of these essential oils, from a sampler guide that I got from Whole Foods.

Geranium, Rose (Pelargonium graveolens)

excellent for all skin types, especially oily and acne prone
anti-fungaland antiviral
blends well with rose, lavender, neroli, patchouli

Lavender, Spike (Lavandula latifolia)

anti-infectious properties
specific for acne, oily skin, and burns

Tea Tree (Melaleuca alternifolia)

antibacterial with excellent anti-fungal and antiviral properties
use directly on burns, abrasions, abscesses, acne, or wherever there is a sing of infection

The Big Chop - 1 Month Later

2010-06-24T21:47:00.001-04:00

Last month I was so disgusted with my ends that I started to give myself a trim - key word "started" - but ended up giving myself a cut. I cut 3 inches - at least - off my hair and when I was done and looked in the mirror I was startled, and not in a good way. But then I thought 'patience is key' when it comes to hair and since my wild, thick hair has a history of growing fast I calmed myself down and when I looked in the mirror, tried (hard) not to concentrate on the length.

I have always had super thick hair, and I always loved that. There is something about big thick wild hair that I love. It fits my face, my personality, everything. When my mom made me get a perm when I was 11, it was because she just couldn't handle it anymore, I 'm guessing with the addition of having to do another girl's hair (my sister) and handle my 2 brothers. Luckily I didn't grow up thinking my hair was bad. I never wanted super straight hair, I just wanted to have a head full of curly, bushy hair (crazy, huh), and when I decided to go perm-free more than 12 years ago, it was one of the best decisions. My sister also sports natural hair, as well as my niece, and their hair is so much stronger than if it were chemically treated (note that I am not hating on people with perms at all, and I have seen many women who rock it like those who rock their natural texture and I think it's all good).

So, here is a photo that shows the difference in my hair from May 17, 2010 - when I chopped off 3 inches (at least - I just couldn't stop) to June 24.

Right now I use Mane & Tail shampoo and conditioner - I actually co-wash every couple of days and I don't remember the last time I used the shampoo because I want to go back to an all natural shampoo (I used to mix baking soda and water and use that as a shampoo, but I may start experimenting of including some essential oils. I have also tried used the natural shampoo that my cousin makes from his Jewel of the Isles natural product line which includes essential oils like rosemary and neem).

I also use Alter Ego's deep conditioner and this is one of my favorite products. It has peptides and all this other stuff (like garlic and minerals) and it really shows a different in the hair after first usage.

I've been using raw shea butter and Pantene's moisturzing cream like I did a couple of years ago (even though I have some homemade butter cream, some Miss Jessie's Curly Pudding, Garnier Fructise's Soft Curl Cream, and Kinky-Curly's Knot Today). There items always served me well for braid and twist outs, so if it ain't broke, don't fix it. I'm also going for the 'less is more' approach, especially considering the Summer heat and humidity.

On my scalp I use a mixture of essential oils (including rosemary, tea tree, sweet almond, coconut, jojoba and vegetable glycerin) and I also have a separate mixture that I store in the fridge that include Aloe juice. I'm trying to remember to oil my scalp at least every other day, and I am putting raw shea butter on my end (just a little bit) every night before I go off into dreamland!

I personally wanted to transform a bit this year and it's been a while since I wore my hair long, so that is my goal - to wear it long, big and wild - and I think I am well on my way!

Aloe: A plant every household should have

2010-06-15T22:28:00.000-04:00

It's funny how some of us who are descendants of those from the Caribbean or even the South, forget the little things our Grandma's used to do to 'make it better.'

My Grandmother was from St. Thomas and I grew up watching her brew things and grow things and cook things (many of which we didn't want to eat especially when you could get a Happy Meal from around the corner). My mom used to torture us with our season dose of Cod Liver Oil - the liquid kind (there was a lot of crying and hiccuping during those episodes). My Grandma grew her own herbs (the legal kind, thank you very much - she was cool, but not 'Cheech and Chong' cool) - and in her little kitchen in the Bronx, no less. She would boil orange and lemon rinds and make teas and tell us to drink up because we'd feel better.

I stroll down memory lane to say that Grandma and Momma knew what they were talking about, and I find it so refreshing that I am not one of few in my peer group, who actively and consistently continue with such practices, hence my blog ode to the plant "ALOE" (insert echoing sounds). Being a sufferer of acne, I finally rediscovered that for a dollar a week (that's the cost of one aloe leaf in my neighborhood), that I have been able to combat over 20 years of -what I hate to say out loud- my shame. Here is a list of 40 ways to use Aloe (I have seen this list on several sites but will reference AloeVeraForLiving.com for sharing this information from http://planetgreen.discovery.com). Enjoy, and I hope incorporating Aloe in your life helps in some small or major way!

Topical Aloe Uses

1. Pamper yourself to a soothing body rub. Slice aloe leaves lengthwise and use the inner sides as a biodegradable body scrub in the shower.

2. Treat burns from minor mishaps in the kitchen—from grease splatters or hot utensils.

3.   For more major kitchen mishaps like a scald, mix some aloe gel and vitamin E oil into a little jar for a homemade burn healer.
4.   Banish black and blue bruises by swapping on the good goo.
5.   Soothe and heal sunburns the feel-good way. Aloe contains cooling properties similar to menthol.
6.   Take the sting or itch out of insect bites.
7.   Reduce tissue damage from frostbite.
8.   Alleviate mysterious rashes.
9.   Make feet baby soft with an exfoliating foot mask by mixing together a half cup of oatmeal, a half cup of corn meal, four tbsp. of aloe vera gel and a half cup of unscented body lotion.
10.   Help heal herpes outbreaks.
11.   Fight Athlete’s Foot.
12.   Swab over blisters for quick relief.
13.   Use as an antidote to allergic skin reactions.
14.   Replace creams and lotions as a general moisturizer for dry skin. Aloe is fast absorbing!
15.   Prevent pesky pimples and treat acne.
16.   Soothe Psoriasis.
17.   Prevent scarring and stretch marks.
18.   Help rid of Rosacea.
19.   Shrink warts.
20.   Reverse signs of aging skin and wrinkles. Cleopatra did!
21.   Help eliminate Eczema.
22.   Brighten skin. Aloe can decrease pigmentation and dark spots.
23.   Make skin new again with an exfoliating, organic sugar scrub by mixing together two tbsp. of aloe vera, 2 tbsp. of organic brown sugar and 1 tsp. of organic lemon juice.
24.   For rougher patches mix together an organic salt skin scrub using two cups of sea salt, one cup of aloe vera, one cup of organic coconut oil and two tbsp. of local, organic honey.
25.   Speed up hair growth by massaging aloe into the scalp, letting it sit for 30 minutes, and rinsing.
26.   Reduce hair dandruff by mixing aloe vera juice with coconut milk and wheat germ oil. Massage into scalp and rinse.
27.   Replace aloe with conditioner for silkier, smoother hair.
28.   Remove eye makeup.
29.   Treat minor vaginal irritations.

Oral Aloe Uses

30. Drink aloe vera juice to relieve gastrointestinal disorders like indigestion.

31.   Sip it to aid in elimination. Many times, it’s recommended for its laxative effects.
32.   Take a swig to reduce symptoms of irritable bowel syndrome including bloating and discomfort.
33.   Take aloe orally to relieve heartburn, arthritis and rheumatism pain.
34.   Boil leaves in a pan of water and breathe in the vapor to alleviate asthma.
35.   Drink to lower blood sugar levels—especially for diabetics.
36.   Strengthen gums and promote strong, healthy teeth by taking orally or use toothpaste with aloe vera ingredients.
37.   Drink to help ease congestion, stomach ulcers, colitis, hemorrhoids, urinary tract infections and prostate problems.
38.   Take orally to reduce cholesterol and triglycerides for a healthy heart.
39.   Sip to minimize inflammation and infection of the eye and ear.
40.   Toast to its general detoxifier and health boosting qualities!

Source – http://planetgreen.discovery.com

Facial Steaming

2010-06-14T14:11:00.001-04:00

As mentioned in a previous post, my skin was going thru somethin (and I was not happy about it, at all)!

Well, instead of continuing to boo-hoo about it, I did a little research and realized a couple of things.

First, the aloe vera that I'd been using (and storing in the refrigerator) had exhausted all of its medicinal uses (I don't mean to sound gross but, it lost its 'snot-like' consistency). I figure I can afford a dollar a week to purchase a new aloe leaf, so that's exactly what I'm going to do because I'd been going 3 weeks from that one leaf.

The second thing I realized is I need to do a little extra every once in a while, so I will be incorporating a 10 minute facial steam* every Sunday. Not only will my skin get some nice simple pampering, but it forces 'busy-bee-me' to stop and actually sit down and take a rest - if only for 10 minutes.

I started off this facial steaming treatment by using an exfoliating scrub (Queen Helene's Pomegranate and Raspberry scrub), and toned with witch hazel to get rid of any left over particles and residue.

I brought a kettle of water to full boil and then added the following dried herbs to a tea strainer (1 tbsp chamomile, 1 tbps fennel seed, 1 tbsp rosemary -- these herbs were specific to my combination skin since this NY humid weather is wreaking havoc on everything).

Placed the tea strainer in a medium size bowl (the bowl was about the size of my head), poured enough water to cover the tea strainer, grabbed a towel, and sat my behind down with my head under the towel and over the bowl for 10 minutes (I timed myself by listening to 4 'quiet storm' songs).

I will admit that afterward I wasn't expecting much, but I took a look in the mirror and the best way to describe what I saw was that it looked like my skin had been fed, and fed real good. I then applied a thin layer of jojoba oil to my skin and hit the sack for the night. Along with purchasing a new aloe leaf this week, and immediately seeing results after I applied it to my skin, I am content with the immediate results and look forward to getting back on track with my skin care regimen. (Also note that this morning I did not use any facial cleansers. I simply allowed the steam from the shower to open up my pores, used witch hazel as a toner and applied the fresh aloe gel to my skin).

*It is recommended that one does a facial steaming only once a week.

The Skin I'm In

2010-06-11T14:22:00.001-04:00

I have stuck with the program, drinking my water, eating or drinking my vegetables too. I also take Omega 3-6-9 supplements and I add a flax seed and fiber powder to my health shakes that I drink everyday. I used pure Aloe Vera as my facial and upper body moisturizer, I do the oil cleansing method... I don't drink soda, rarely eat candy, even rarely eat my beloved chips.... so why am I breaking out?

I have ad an acne problem since I was 13. I'm now 35. And I would venture to say that the real problem was the hyper-pigmentation (when I was young my mom didn't know anything about bad skin so when I got a white head she would pop it (sorry, it's gross, but wait until I write about how all these vegetables are playing with my digestive system!). I hated that she did that, and it also left me feeling even more ashamed (because I'm already going through this in junior high school and high school). I got to the point where I started to handle white and black heads like she did all because I didn't want her digging in my face. And with that came a never-ending battle with hyper-pigmentation. When I was younger, kids (and adults, believe it or not) would make fun of me saying I looked like I had AIDS. Now, being the nerd that I was, I knew that just because I had dark spots on my skin that didn't mean I had AIDS (I'd done the research in school), but it hurt me so deep to my core that I have only recently began to think of myself as "actually a little bit attractive." I knew that kids would say horrible things that didn't make sense, but to hear adults say that too just messed with my self esteem.

Anyway, I was doing good with my skin. The water was flushing me out, the aloe was doing things that all of the other medications and over the counter (and under the counter) treatments hadn't done. I spent so much money on makeup and medications over the past 20 years that I could have probably paid my student loans off with it by now. But like I said, I was feeling good. Didn't have to wear makeup to cover up the dark spots when I went to the store around the corner. It really has been a release from a self imposed prison for me. And then all of a sudden, about 2 weeks ago I break out. And I wonder what the heck is going on because I haven't broken out in years (sure a pimple or two during that time of the month, but not various little bumps). I even started using a Benzoyl peroxide wash again because I don't know what the heck is happening.

Although I don't know what is happening, I know what's going to happen this weekend - I'm going to give myself a facial, find some recipes that use Aloe and maybe tea tree oil, as their main ingredients, and drink mostly water - I may even just take in liquids (I may).

I guess I needed to vent my frustrations because I have never felt good about how I look (oh the stories). Getting teased by my peers and adults was not fun and it crushed my self esteem. It made me feel like I wasn't worth much because people used my looks as an excuse to be cruel toward me. I was just starting to always walk around with my head held high because I finally started to feel like people were looking at me and not the spots on my face, and now this. I will take it all in stride - it's what I do, but I will also fight for that good feeling I've been having, being comfortable with me, and finally, actually believing that I am a little bit cute! Anyway, forgive me, I'm just having a moment. This too shall pass - but I wanted to share some of the various ways this challenge has helped me look at myself. Sorry for the long post. Be well everyone!

Health and Hair Challenge with "Life Star Beauty"

2010-06-04T15:16:00.000-04:00

I am taking part in "Life Star Beauty's" Health and Hair Challenge. There are 3 phases which include increasing one's water, vegetable and omega fatty acids intake, and exercise, and I must say, I thought I was already drinking enough water before this challenge but apparently I was not.

Here is an overview of the challenge:
May 1^st (Stage 1): Drink at least 5 bottles of water (that’s 10 glasses of water at 8 oz) a day. It is recommended you drink 2 bottles before lunch. Also, eat one serving of green veggies per meal. If you don’t want any veggies at breakfast you can swap it for one serving of fruit. Remember to snack on fruits/veggies between meals.
June 1^st (Stage 2): Get more Omega 3 Fatty Acids into your diet. Try to eat at salmon AT LEAST once a week. Salmon is a food that is loaded with omega 3’s, protein, and Vitamin B-12 which contributes to scalp health. A healthy scalp leads to healthy hair. If you don’t like/don’t prefer/can’t afford salmon you can replace it with other fish/foods high in Omega 3’s. Two tablespoons of ground flaxeed included in your daily diet will also contribute to scalp health. There are also Omega 3 pills or fish oil pills that you can purchase that will also help you increase the omega 3’s in your diet.
July 1^st (Stage 3): Complete 30 minutes of cardiovascular exercise 3 to 4 times a week. Cardio workout increases blood flow to the scalp which stimulates hair growth.
(For more details and to join the challenge, visit www.lifestarbeauty.com.)

I started taking my Omega 3-6-9 supplements this week, while continuing with my increased water and vegetable intake (I either juice, steam them or incorporate them into the dish).

I've been making more health shakes as well. I use 'GNC's Total Lean' Lean Shake (Vanilla) - I've also tried Gaspari Nutrition MyoFusion - and add whatever fruits I'm interested in that day. The shakes are great, especially since you mix it with water. I usually add a banana or strawberries (I recently did strawberry and blueberry), but I've and decided that I'm going to spice up my food intake a bit.

It's funny how I thought I knew of all the fruits and vegetables out there, but I don't so I've decided to try a new fruit and vegetable each week. This week I added raspberries to my health shakes and they are incredible (my son loves them too!). Now I have to figure out what new vegetable I'm going to try!

According to an article on iloveindia.com, here are some of the health benefits of raspberries:

Being rich in antioxidants, raspberry helps neutralize free radicals in the body and thus, prevents damage to cell membranes & other structures.
Raspberries can restrain proliferation of cancer cells and even the formation of tumors in various parts of the body, including the colon.
Daily consumption 3 or more servings of raspberry has been seen to lower the risk of age-related macular degeneration (ARMD), the main cause of vision loss in older adults.
The anthocyanins present in raspberry have been found to reduce the risk of heart disease and also delay the effects of aging.
The presence of salicylic acid in raspberries might slow down atherosclerosis (hardening of the arteries).
Raspberry is a good source of quercetin, an antioxidant that diminishes the release of histamines and thus, minimizes allergic reactions.
Manganese and vitamin C, two antioxidant nutrients in raspberries, help protect the body tissue from oxygen-related damage.
Raspberry is one of the few fruits whose consumption would not have much effect on the body’s blood sugar levels.
Research has shown that regular consumption of raspberry is good for those suffering from inflammation and pain.

Why "Luv My Texture"?

2010-06-02T22:40:00.000-04:00

It took me a long time to decide what the title of my blog would be because at first all I wanted to talk about was hair. And then I wanted to talk about things like juicing and cooking healthy dishes. And then I also wanted to talk about health and exercise, until I realized that I wanted to create a space to discuss the various things in my life that best represent me.

Here I am, a woman who grew up the oldest of seven. A bookworm - yes a nerd (and proud of it), who lived a childhood where I was more of a second parent than one of the kids (I know there are a lot of us out there like that). Growing up I didn't think I was a lot of things (pretty, interesting, outgoing... you know, someone that other people wanted to be around all the time - you know those kinds of people), but I knew I was smart, and I embraced it with the thought that being smart and making smart decisions was going to get me out of the hood and into a life where I had more control over the direction that my life would go in. My academic achievements were the only things I felt I had going for me, and so it was the only thing that I felt good about when I'd ask "What do I like about myself?"

I'm not a beauty queen, nor the smartest person in the room...the personal/social life hasn't been "all that", and I need to find a new apartment and job. BUT, I like me. How I got to this point is beyond me. Is it age? Is it experience? Is it not fighting myself anymore? - who knows. But I do know that I'm a good mom, a hard worker, a good friend, and a compassionate person. I like all my layers, even when I don't (just go with me on this... I'll try to explain it better later), and this blog is an opportunity to share a lot of the information, experiences and out-loud thoughts that make up those layers.